Bored to Death

Come on, Ray. Where are you?

I'm coming, Jonathan.

Hold the door. Hold the door.

Hey hey hey!

Oh, hi.

I've always had this thing where I kind of want to just

grab a policeman's gun.

Kind of like a mental Tourette's that I don't act on.

I think it's the way it kind of just protrudes.

It's like, "touch me. Touch me."

- And you can't, you know? - Have you been drinking?

No sir. No.

This is my floor. Thank you.

Building inspector.

Yes?

It's been reported that you have a safety violation by your window.

The co-op board is going to fine you.

Wait, what? Reported?

I have to violate your inspection. It's a matter of codes.

- Wait. - Yeah.

- Todd, what's going on? - There's some kind of window problem.

- He's from the co-op board. - But it's after midnight.

That's the most dangerous time of night for windows.

I'll only be a second, okay?

- Jonathan! - Ray! Thank God.

Okay, just drop down to the ledge.

- I'll catch you. - No, I'll die.

Yeah, maybe.

- Maybe? - But I won't let you.

I've been carrying Spencer all day.

I'll catch you. I am a father now.

Okay.

Whoa! Oh, Ray!

I got you! I got you! I got you! I got you!

Oh God, thank you. Thank you, Ray.

Ray, thank you. Thank you so much, Ray.

What the hell is going on? I'm calling the cops.

No no no no, that's not necessary. Thank you.

Your window's fine. I'll tell the co-op board, okay?

Here's $11 for your trouble. Sorry.

Ray, I'm not complaining, but what took so long?

- I almost died up there. - Sorry, I was getting some action from Leah.

You know what I'm up against. She has the sex drive of a cicada.

I couldn't turn it down.

I was hanging on that clock for an hour and you just had sex?

Yeah, it was great. I got her to soak her nipples in whiskey and nurse me.

Come on, two of my most favorite things in the world. Hope I don't get a DUI.

Well, drunk driving is the least of our problems right now.

Okay, you're right. Start from the beginning.

How did you get framed for murder?

And then when I came to, my pants were at my ankles

and the gun was in my hand. Next thing I know

the cops are banging on the door but I got away.

Lord. Are you making this up?

No. I don't know why my pants were at my ankles.

Have you tried to go to the bathroom? Are you sore?

Ray, don't be mean. This is the worst night of my life.

Mean? It's a legitimate question.

If you were sexually assaulted while unconscious,

- I would like to know. - Sorry.

Listen, I just think you should go to the police

- and tell them everything you know. - I can't do that.

I could be in Rikers for months before my name is cleared.

And I've got a lot of blog interviews to do for my book.

Yeah, but if you were at Rikers it could help sales.

That's true.

But I'm supposed to be on "The New Dick Cavett Show" next week.

- I don't want to miss that. - No no, forget cavett.

Turn yourself in. It's the most sane course of action.

I can't. I have a natural tendency towards guilt.

I might freak out and make a false confession.

Also you fled the scene of a crime.

Innocent men do not run.

My God, you're right. I might go to prison.

- Oh God. - All right, all right, listen, you two.

Look, let's just go to bed.

I read in a spy novel once

the fugitive's most effective weapon is sleep.

We'll figure this all out in the morning.

Sleep? I'm too upset to sleep. I've just shattered my life.

All right, Jonathan. I'll put on the vaporizer.

I also have some valium.

It's a mixture I've been playing around with lately.

- Could be comforting. - Also it's not too bad

if you top it off with just a sip of Prosecco.

Sounds like a pot-head's BLT. I like it.

Come here. Let me take care of you. Come on.

My thoughts feel buttery.

Hey, can we do high-lows?

Leah and I do that when we tuck her girls in.

Sure, Ray. You go first.

Well, my high was breastfeeding Spencer

and being nursed by Leah.

And I didn't have a low. Your turn, George.

My high was seeing Emily.

My low was her boyfriend

who was wearing a bicycle leotard

and asking permission to marry her.

But that's wonderful news, George.

It isn't.

He's nearly 60. He's way too old for her.

I might sleep with a woman half my age,

but I'd never marry her.

Well, from one father to another,

I think that's a reasonable position to take.

Mmm.

Your turn, Jonathan.

Well, in the last 24 hours

I found out that I came from a sperm bank in fair lawn, New Jersey,

and I've been framed for murder.

You're supposed to say, "my high was."

I don't feel like playing a game right now, Ray.

I'm in real trouble.

The universe is punishing me for having my book out.

No, you shouldn't think like that.

The universe doesn't care about books.

Okay, let's go to sleep.

Everything will be all right in the morning.

No spooning, Ray.

No spooning, Ray.

I can't fall asleep unless I hold someone.

All right, Ray.

Good night, boys.

Good night, George.

Oh, thank you. Good morning.

Mr. Christopher, there are police here.

They want to come up and see you.

What? Well, stall them.

Offer them scones. The police are downstairs at the restaurant.

They're coming up to talk to me.

These guys are really good detectives..

I had a beautiful dream about a gumball machine.

- Can I tell you about it? - Not now, Ray.

Oh, jeez.

Ray, get out of bed! We've got to hide!

Where are you going? Where are you going?

Hide. No no. They'll see you there.

Here here. Get in the dumbwaiter.

It goes down to the restaurant's kitchen. Go on, get in.

The scones didn't work.

Okay okay, it's best to act totally innocently.

I got that from the same spy novel.

Hey, fellas.

Come on up. Fifth floor.

I'll leave the door open.

- Why am I fleeing? - 'Cause you're a good friend.

It's too early to be a good friend.

I'll try to keep the police busy

and then I'll catch up with you two later.

George, George. We need shoes for running and phones for communicating.

Why didn't you--

Hurry.

All right.

Here's some spending money too.

We'll meet up later. Make sure you're not followed.

They might tail you to get to me.

- Really? - Come on.

Oh hey, fellas.

Sorry. I hope I wasn't hanging out there.

Come on in. Come on in.

George's shoes are really hard to make a getaway in.

I think they're the Italian ones OJ Simpson wore.

Did you notice last night how hairless George's legs are?

I did notice.

Do you think it's because his pants have rubbed everything off

over the last 60 years or did his legs go bald because he's so old?

I don't know. It is mystifying.

I think-- Oh my God, Ray, look.

That arab terrorist has your mole.

That's me, Ray. Here.

Buy a copy. We've got to get off the streets.

- I'm a wanted man. - I would have never drawn you like that.

What is our city coming to?

- Thank you, sir. - There's killers everywhere.

They made my nose way too big.

This thing is a real shylockian fish hook.

Do you think it's anti-semitic on purpose?

I don't think so. I think the cops will probably spin it

as a Jew-on-Jew murder to avoid a race riot.

- Remember Crown Heights? - Yeah, you're right.

I wonder what Spencer's nose will look like.

Right now it's just a little nub

with these two little breathing holes. Little guy.

Yeah, my nose was nice and small.

Then it exploded. Puberty hit me there at least two years

before it hit my penis. I was all out of proportion.

Can we have one conversation that doesn't involve your peen.

It won't be easy, but I can try.

I've got to get the bastards who did this.

It has to be my client. I never should have taken a case over the phone.

- Do you know where he lives? - No, but I do have his cell phone number.

We need someone who can get us an address off of that.

Now I thi-- Shit, we've been made.

How's staring camp going?

What's the matter, you don't like my pajamas?

I don't like your corporate slave outfit.

It's so good to see you, Howard.

Yeah, I've been expecting you. Get away from the window.

I've been reading the papers.

- Got everything prepared. - What?