Ash vs Evil Dead

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Ash: Do you believe in the existence of evil?

Help me!

- Oh. - No!

- (screeching) - (screaming)

Ash: 30 years ago, I found the Book of the Dead.

Now, because I read from the book...

Misartra.

...evil has found me.

- (snarling) - (screaming)

You have no idea what you're doing!

Of course I know what I'm doing.

I wrote this book.

- (grunting) - (woman screaming)

Ash: Ruby is in Elk Grove, Michigan.

That's my hometown.

- Ash? - Hiya, Pop.

I got a problem.

The book, it did something to me.

- It changed me. - (grunts)

Night night.

- (growling) - (yelling)

That's our cue!

Evil, if you show your ugly mug in this town ever again,

I will take you down and I will wipe you out!

You know me as Ash Williams,

the hero who saved Elk Grove from evil.

For 30 long years,

I've used this saw on monsters and demons.

But those battles are won, so now I use it to...

- (buzzing) - ...slash prices!

At Ashy Slashy's Hardware Store Emporium,

we got you covered!

- You want paint? - (giggling)

We shake it till we break it!

Ladies, you'll love his nuts!

What's better than a handful of my nuts?

A long screw.

- (woman moaning) - Whoa!

- (giggling) - We got wood.

- (cash register bell dings) - We got rope. We got rubber!

We got it all!

Die high prices!

Good-bye high prices!

For that special someone,

- we've got everything from "D" to "ildo." - Woman: Mmm.

'Cause at Ashy Slashy's, service is literally...

- Man: Not. - ...our middle name!

Whoo!

Perfection! And only 22 takes!

- Man on TV: Welcome back... - Pablo: Yeah.

- It's looking good, Jefe. - Marketing 101, Pablo.

- Know your audience. - (indistinct chatter outside)

Look at them lining up out there.

- Man: You're the man, Ash! - (Ash chuckling)

Pablo: You know I've never seen a town lose its shit

over a hardware store before.

Well, it's time to wake up and smell the lightly scented wax flowers, Pablo.

This isn't just a well-stocked hardware storelsex-toy emporium.

No, this is a shrine to a local hero.

Those adoring fans are my peeps!

- (dramatic music playing) - (indistinct chatter)

- (chainsaw buzzing) - All right!

- Hey, hey! - (cheering)

- Hello, Elk Grove! - Man: Hey, hey!

Are you ready for some hardware?!

- (cheering) - Come on in!

Fishing supplies, aisle two.

We got guns, we got flags, we got pornography.

- Yeah! - That's a little further in the back.

Men, can't please your wives?

Better check out aisle seven.

Woman: Yeah!

- Ash: Same problem? - Man: No need to push, jeez.

Woman #2: Aisle D, I think.

Man: Hey, no need to push. Leave me alone.

And last up we have Amy,

who I'm told has made a startling discovery.

I see here, Amy, that you

- discovered this item-- - In the mud.

- In the mud. - (eerie growling)

- (dance music playing) - (indistinct chatter, laughter)

- Well, I know. I'm sorry... - (indistinct chatter)

What did I fucking tell you? How many times I got to tell you?

Pretzels are for paying customers only!

- Okay? - (grunting)

Next time I'll use your head as a fucking cue ball.

Who touched the T-- who touched the TV?

How many fuckin'--

- (suspenseful music playing) - (eerie growling)

- (glass shattering) - (people cheering, laughter)

Hey. Hey, it's me.

You were right, evil's coming back.

And here you've found a book written in ancient Sumerian.

It's so curious.

Does "curious" mean valuable?

This appears to be some sort of...

descriptive passage.

"Conda anu astratta alaktu"...

- (Stanley continues) - You know with most of these clowns,

I got to play hardball, but for you?

Hose clamps are half-off.

These are the best in the world.

You put them on, they grip tight.

They don't slip, slide, stretch, or tear like other things.

- ..."estaro ces reche. - (Ash chuckling)

Sarr des kanda"...

- (eerie music playing) - (growling)

"Kanda"...

Kanda?

- (banging) - (all gasping)

What?

Apparently you've found an ancient text,

known as the Necronomicon-Ex Mortis.

- The Book of the Dead. - Is that good?

The book, is said to hold spells

- and incantations that... - (clinking)

...if read out loud...

could connect the demons of the netherworld,

with our own--

- (shattering) - (all gasping)

Most important thing about a hose,

is its width, and its length.

Mostly the length.

Man on TV: Our scheduled broadcast will resume in a moment.

Hey!

I paid for two more spots!

Okay, we got two fish tacos.

- Bam! - (man chuckling)

We got your hard drive.

- That's me. - Enjoy.

- Man: Oh, yeah. - Oh! (grunting)

- Man #2: I don't know... - (people murmuring)

Excuse me.

Oh! Shit--

- (eerie growling) - (groaning, panting)

- (whimpering) - (growling continues)

- (eerie music playing) - (all gasping, groaning)

Who are you?

Well, in Rome, they called me Mutter Daemonium De Igne.

Demon Woman of Fire.

And in Greece, they called me

Agria Ti Mitéra Apó Tin Kólasi.

Fierce Mother from Hell.

But in these benighted times, they just call me Ruby.

- (panting) - I'll take that.

No! No! Wait! It's too important--

- (yells) - (suspenseful music playing)

Girl: This is bullshit.

Whatever happened to free speech?

This was my best giant penis yet.

Yeah.

- Thanks for talking me into this. - (chuckles)

You missed a spot.

- Dick. - Less.

Can we just finish and get out?

I'm in enough trouble already.

Wait till they see what I drew on Perkins' car.

Is "man-Gina" a word?

Oh, Rachel, please.

I just want to get through the next four months.

Since when did you become Miss Bourgeoisie?

Oh, it's simple.

I graduate, I can leave here.

I leave here, I'm not here,

and that's a good thing.

All right, you still haven't fallen for Elk Grove's "small town charms"?

Excuse me?

The whole town's excited because their ex-psycho killer

is opening a hardware store.

- Kill me now. - (growling)

Could be worse.

- How? - (girls laughing)

We could be like them.

Oh, yeah. That'll never happen.

Good, because if you did,

I would have to slit my wrists.

- (electricity buzzing) - (coughs, laughs)