Jay and Silent Bob Reboot

Oh, shit. Hey. Hey. What's... What's this all about?

Hey. Whoa. This is about Randall, isn't it?

Randall Graves? I could take you to him.

Seriously, I can.

Listen, guys, I'm not even supposed to be here today.

One out of twelve. One out of twelve.

- Gun. - Stand-by,

suspects operating illegal marijuana dispensary

inside baked chicken sandwich store.

I love this shit.

I finally get to arrest these motherfuckers.

All right, you motherfuckers.

I know you're in there. Come out right now.

- Yeah. - Woo.

This is the Leonardo Police Department.

You're under arrest

for suspicion of drug trafficking.

Drop your plants now.

I said drop the motherfucking plants!

I'm the boss. He did what the fuck I said.

What the... I said plants, not pants.

- There's nothing there, man. - That is a white dude.

- What the fuck do you expect? - There's nothing there!

What the fuck, Sarge?

This son of a bitch doesn't have a dick.

He's got a fucking dick. He just got it tucked in.

All right, Buffalo Bill.

Where's your buddy? Mr. Silence of the Lambs.

Identify yourselves, motherfuckers!

I'm Jay and this is my hetero lifemate, Silent Bob.

Home sweet home, right?

Everyone say, "Yay, it's Jay and Silent Bob."

- Well, just look at you two. - Who the fuck are you?

I'm your lawyer. That's who the fuck I am.

Did anybody ever tell you how a courtroom works?

Okay. In the criminal justice system,

the people are represented by two separate

yet equally important groups.

Dude, we've seen all the Law & Orders.

Oh, me too. Dick Wolf is a genius.

I just love all of his shows so much.

In fact, my Grindr name is Dick Wolfer. Remember that.

Oh, I almost forgot. Before I represent you,

I'm gonna need you to sign these legal documents.

What? Read it first?

I mean, come on. Who cares what that shit says?

Just sign it.

Yeah.

I can't believe that worked. Well, perfection.

I hope you're both prepared to go home today,

because I am the best lawyer in showbiz.

Seriously, I'm like the Dick Wolf

of getting guys off with my mouth.

But that's why you hired me, am I right? Or am I wrong?

But we didn't hire you.

- Small formality. - All rise.

Thank you. Be seated.

Docket number 37, People v. Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay and Silent Bob are back?

Charges are drug trafficking

and running an illegal drug dispensary

disguised as a chicken sandwich shop called...

...Cock Smoker.

Hello, boys.

If you two are here, it must be a weekday,

but this isn't a court appointed attorney.

I spy one of those lawyers you have to pay.

How do your clients plead, Counselor?

Not guilty, Your Honor.

I guess the weed grew itself.

People on bail?

Hey, Jerry.

- How you doing? - So we the people would hope

that Your Highness would remand custody.

Cool?

And I imagine you see it all differently, Counselor?

The Cock Smoker was neither

eatery nor dispensary, Your Honor.

It was merely a promotional pop-up shop.

This affidavit is from a Hollywood

motion picture company and this proves that my clients

were nothing more than paid performers

for a real world promotional stunt

in support of a forthcoming movie.

- We are? - Yes.

We are.

So I ask that all charges be dropped since my clients

- are so obviously innocent. - Easy.

They may be obvious but one thing I would not call

these two is innocent.

But for today, at least, they are not guilty.

Jay and Silent Bob, you're free to go.

Case dismissed.

Holy shit. What the fuck just happened?

I set you free, butterflies, as promised.

Remember Dick Wolfer on Grindr.

Docket number 38,

Hollywood motion picture company v. Jay and Silent Bob.

Who's here representing Hollywood?

I am, Your Honor.

What are you doing?

This is only my second case of the day

and to tell you the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth...

...I already need a fucking drink. Jesus.

Can we get this going, Counselor?

As you can see, I have a ton of cases

that we need to get through today.

Absolutely, Your Honor.

Your Honor, my client, Saban Films,

is seeking an injunction against the defendants

for copyright infringement

of the trademarked intellectual property Jay and Silent Bob.

Yo, this guy's lying, Your Honor.

Me and Silent Bob don't own any property.

We've never been intellectual about anything.

Have your mouth take a knee.

Saban Films.

Didn't they make the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers?

Oh, man. You ever see the one where the red ranger

turns into the gold ranger?

- Dope. - That was years ago, Your Honor.

Now they're more of a multimedia company.

Oh. Does the multimedia combine into a giant Megazord?

Oh, shit.

Anyhoo, last year, Saban Films acquired worldwide rights

to the campy old Bluntman and Chronic movie

- for about $3,700 on Craigslist. - They overpaid.

So, now, all the underlying rights belong to my client,

including, not only the titular characters,

but their supporting secret identities as well,

the registered trademarks of Jay and Silent Bob.

Ergo, Your Honor, Saban Films owns their names.

What?

I said Saban Films owns your names.

Is there any paperwork to back up a claim this wild, Counselor?

Oh, yes, Your Honor.

I present contracts signed by the defendants

giving Saban Films total discretionary control

over the names Jay and Silent Bob.

That's the paper we just signed?

Will the defendants please rise?

Oh, shit. We're the defendants?

This document confirms that Saban Films does indeed own

the 2001 movie Bluntman and Chronic.

What? That old ass star-studded piece of shit?

That movie sucked balls.

Not just balls. It sucked asshole too.

Your Honor, I object.

I'll allow it. That movie did suck balls and asshole.

Jay and Silent Bob, you are hereby legally prohibited

from calling yourselves Jay and Silent Bob ever again.

You're out of order! You're out of order!

This whole fucking court's out of order!

Somebody wants an Oscar.

Why'd you move your store to the mall?

Because apparently, I wanted to be alone...

Snoogans.

Nah, rent's just cheaper here,

on account of the mall is slowly dying.

The old girl's on her last legs, boys.

So much so that you got to watch out for all the mall rats.

I... I didn't see any kids here.

No, I mean the actual rats we got running around

this abandoned shithole of a mall.

Hit the deck, boys.

Let me get this straight...

you guys got busted for running an illegal pot shop

inside a fake chicken sandwich store

and the Hollywood lawyer you didn't hire got you off,

but then he somehow stole your names?

And then the cops stole the weed we were working out for years.

And all we got left from the best bud in the world

are these three joints right here

made from the flower of one of the three strains of gold.

Huh. I knew you guys were weed dealers,

but I never knew you were weed growers.

Oh, we learned to grow

from watching our favorite movie of all time,

How High with Method and Redman.

They're like the black Jay and Silent Bob.

Holy shit. You guys still rent DVDs?

Never heard of Netflix and chill?

One time we Hulu and humped, right?

But most nights, we Redbox and jerk off.

So, how are you feeling about being busted?

LOL.

And on top of that, the judge told us

we weren't even legally allowed

to be Jay and Silent Bob no more,

because our names were bought by some assholes from Sbarro films.

- You mean Sbarro's? - Yeah, those pizza-making fucks!

All because of some stupid movie that was made 20 years ago.

It's like, "Come on already, move on.

The dishes are done, man."

Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead.

- A Keith Coogan classic. - Snoogans.

Well, you know, fellas, I think your legal woes

have less to do with the stupid old movie

that came out 20 years ago,