The Iris Affair

I need to know who these people are.

Or you tell my wife about us?

A what?

-Oi! -GUNSHOT

Exactly who and where is Iris Nixon?

This is Charlie's creator, Jensen.

All we need to get the machine up and running again

is to enter an activation sequence.

Wake Charlie up for me, Iris, or they're gonna kill me.

Say it. "I'm a cop killer."

GRUNTS

There's literally no one else I can trust.

I need to hide something. It's a book. Sort of a diary.

Under no circumstances can you let anyone see you

or get their hands on that briefcase.

INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO

MACHINE WHIRS

Between 1953 and 1973,

the United States government funded 116 studies into LSD.

Powerful psychedelics were given to alcoholics,

obsessive-compulsives, depressives,

schizophrenics, convicts,

and those suffering from terminal cancer.

These experiments showed that a single dose of LSD

could reduce or even eliminate

the fear of death in the terminally ill.

My wife, erm... was given three months.

And the... the anxiety she experienced was unendurable.

She couldn't bear the idea of being erased, of...

all she'd ever felt or thought just being gone forever,

as if she had never been.

So I administered her enough LSD

to bring about loss of subjective identity.

At first, she saw terrible things,

things of which she would not speak.

But I stayed with her,

and after passing through this shadow,

she let go her terror and congregated with the dead.

Her father. Her mother.

Our child.

Upon her return, she told me dying was easy.

The dead are all around us.

Nothing ends. Nothing ends.

And I was holding her hand when she died and...

it was the happiest moment of her life.

Wow.

Oh, sorry.

Blimey. Are you okay?

Yeah. I was, um... I was a million miles away.

TYPING ON KEYBOARD

Look at that.

They're literally putting his thinking cap on.

BOTH CHUCKLE

-You ready for the off? -Always.

SAFE BEEPS

Fuck.

GRUNTING

JOY GRUNTS

GASPS

Come back!

PANTING

PANTING

Out! Get out!

JOY YELLS

Pull over!

-No! -Stop the car!

GRUNTS

COUGHING

JOY YELLS

-Give me that. -No!

JOY GRUNTS

Get out of the fucking car!

-Get off me! -Get out the car!

BOTH GRUNTING

JOY GASPS

JOY GRUNTS

Where's your phone?

JOY GASPS

JOY GROANS

-You can't do that. -Yeah? Why not?

-Wait... You're the police! -LAUGHS

SEABIRDS SQUAWKING

IRIS BREATHES HEAVILY

Shit.

GROANS, GASPS

INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO

INDISTINCT CHATTER

-Where are you? At the police station.

-You've caused an ungodly mess. -I need your help, Teo.

I need to get away as quickly as possible. I'm in trouble here.

There are police everywhere,

and you are the only way that I can get off this island.

What exactly do you expect me to do?

Drive me off the island on a ferry in your police car.

Fuck you. That's not gonna happen.

It's the only way you get me out of your life.

-Fine. Where are you? -An old watchtower.

On the beach, five miles from Cagliari.

I know the place.

Hmm.

SIGHS

Ah, Mr. Baxter. Yes. Yes, I know your daughter.

MAN SPEAKING OVER PHONE

When was this?

Model and registration?

-Gia? Gia. -Sì?

Her phone number?

EXHALES

Okay.

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY

CELL PHONE RINGS

-Hello? Hi. Is this Alfie Bird?

It is. Who's this?

We've never actually spoken.

-My name's Iris Nixon. -Very funny.

-Is this Claire? -No, this is Iris.

Do you have any idea how many Iris Nixons call me?

-I actually don't. -A lot.

They all think they're hilarious

and think they're the first ones to have the idea.

-Half of them are blokes. -Don't you recognize my voice?

I've seen pictures, but I've never heard her speak.

I never thought about that.

So where are you, Iris?

Well, it doesn't matter. I'm leaving.

So take a selfie, send it.

And have you plaster me all over the internet?

I wouldn't do that. Not if you were real.

I don't believe you.

Okay. Thanks for calling. I think I'm gonna hang up now.

All right, let's reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.

So what you wanna do is monetize me, right?

Not sure I'd put it like that.

I don't take it personally. To you, I am content.

That's fine. It's the way of the world.

But you want better content. You want a bigger story.

You want traffic. You wanna go viral.

You want a billion views, right?

Yeah, I want that. Course I want that.

Well, I can give you that, you lucky dog.

I can give you the full story, what happened, to whom, and why.

-Why? -Yes! And why.

No, no. I mean, why would you do that?

Oh, I see. Because I told someone

that if he came looking for me, I'd punish him.

I'd bring his entire world down around him.

But he didn't listen, so now I need you to help me do that.

-Is this actually you? -Yes. Who else would it be?

I don't believe you.

No. But you want to, right?

So here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna send you a taster of that proof I have.

Now, fair warning, if any of this ends up on the internet,

you'll find me standing at the end of your bed one night

with a razor in my hand.

I'll slice off your oysters and shove them down your throat,

then I'll rip open your belly, drape your guts around the room

like fucking Christmas decorations, you get me?

Yes.

Good, because this is not cosplay

and this is not LARPing, this is real.

CHIMES

ALFIE BREATHES HEAVILY

EXHALES SLOWLY

BREATHES HEAVILY

Iris?

-Yes? -Uh... This is real, right?

This is real.

I'm not sure I ever thought, not in my heart of hearts.

It was all just, you know...

So, actually, what... what the hell is that thing?

That's what I'm trying to find out.

Meet me in Rome and I will tell you everything.

What? In Italy? When?

Be there tomorrow. I'll call you.

GASPS

It's okay to feel nervous.

I'm not nervous. You're only human.

I often wonder that. -CAMERON LAUGHS

Perhaps I was grown in a vat and poured out like pancake batter.

CAMERON LAUGHS

See, that's interesting to me.

What is?

You consistently deny feeling things you're obviously feeling.

-Why do you do that? -Why do you consistently insist

I'm feeling something I'm quite possibly not?

-No. -Are you trying to neg me?

No, I'm not negging anyone. I'm just good at reading people.

Really? -Yeah, I did a course.

Of course you did.

For what it's worth, I'm nervous too.

I know.

I want him back, Iris. I love him and I miss him.

-Charlie? -Jensen.

Yeah, I suppose you need him.

Is that what you think of me? I don't actually care about him?

You wouldn't be able to think that if you'd ever met him.

He was kind and thoughtful and funny,

and he made brilliant people feel stupid