Debbie Does Demons

Who am I?

My name is Carmilla Karnstein.

When the black plague devastated Europe, I was there.

When depraved witch finders walked the Earth, I was there.

And when my condemned sisters were flayed and burned alive,

I was there.

Some call me a witch, others think me a demon, fools!

Shall I tell you my secret?

Carmilla Karnstein is more than a woman,

more than a witch, for your eyes behold a guise.

Do you hear me, poor mortal?

Down on your knees.

Nice to see all my ghostly ghouls again.

I'm Debbie, your favorite graveyard slut,

and we have a very special episode

of Debbie Does Demons for you tonight.

We are turning the clocks back to 1723,

as we explore the life of the most notorious witch bitch

who's ever humped a broom.

A salacious slut, who gave even skeletons a boner.

The queen of naked evil, Carmilla Karnstein.

Stop that!

Where were we?

Ah yes, Carmilla.

She was always on the prowl for luscious virgin booty.

One taste of her orgasmic love smoothie,

and they were hot, horny, and hell bent.

Imagine flesh sliding against flesh,

twisting writhing bodies,

in Carmilla's personal orgy of the damned.

Now there was only one thing

that could stop her private passion party.

The Witchfinder.

Don't you know what's about to happen?

This is the greatest night of your life.

You're about to be an offering, a vessel,

to the greatest sorceress who's ever walked the Earth.

My own mother.

Your mother?

I don't understand.

- My mother passed many of her dark powers on to me,

but not all.

Then, she was caught by the Witchfinder,

burned at the stake,

before she could achieve her great work.

Unleashing demons on the earth to torment the race of man.

That's the Devil's work.

My mother was his handmaiden,

and with your virgin blood, I shall summon her spirit

to inhabit your body.

Do you understand?

My mother's great work shall finally come true at last.

Please let me go.

Witch!

No, the Witchfinder!

Seize the witch!

Carmilla Karnstein, this tribunal condemns you to death!

For your sacrilegious acts of heresy and witchcraft.

Just as I condemned your evil mother Davinia.

Your agony shall be prolonged,

until you plea for your death.

Your eyes, messengers of evil,

shall be burned from their sockets.

Your tongue, poisoned by a thousand blasphemies,

shall be torn from your mouth.

Prepare to meet your mother in Hell.

Accursed wretches.

You think you can end my evil by destroying my body?

My mother's power goes beyond the grave.

She'll find me another shell to inhabit,

until she is once again ready to rip the gates of Hell open.

Maybe I'll take your body, Witchfinder.

That would be the ultimate jest,

to use a witchfinder's body to do my mother's bidding.

Silence!

If you shall not hold your tongue, I shall take it!

Now tremble, Witch!

Tremble before the will of God!

Behold my face, Witch!

For it is your last sight you shall see on Earth!

The fool is mi... (coughs)

Mine!

The powerful, strong body!

It will serve me well!

- So Carmilla made the Witchfinder her number one bitch.

Legend has it, she still walks the earth today.

Others say she was toasted like a marshmallow

at one of those Salem witch cookouts.

As for me, I like to believe that she's still with us.

And, if I was a witchfinder, I'd be very nervous.

That brings down the curtain on another episode

of Debbie Does Demons.

I'll be back next week.

And remember, if you see ghosty, ghouly, or a goblin

in your neighborhood, call Debbie.

Bye!

Wow, Debbie is so cool you guys.

I hope I get to meet her one day.

She's got a bangin' little bod.

Maybe she'd let me in her chamber of secrets.

- Adam, if you even touch that skank without me,

I will put your balls in a blender.

- (laughs) Sounds kinky, I might be down for this.

Adam, whatever you two are about to do,

take it to the bedroom.

No one wants to see that, especially me.

Wait wait wait, hold on hold on.

Let him stay.

Lauren!

- Listen, I've got a really really cool idea,

and I need four of us for it.

What's that, naked twister?

Because I'm definitely down for it.

Not today, Adam.

Maybe another time.

Tonight, I think that we should talk to the spirit

of Carmilla Karnstein.

That witch from the T. V?

Room.

Listen you guys, Carmilla was a real person, okay?

She was alive 300 years ago.

She had amazing, crazy, witchy powers.

She was some sort of, like, amazing sorceress.

Don't you guys think that it would be really cool

to talk to her?

- Wait, since when did you become an expert on witches?

- Well, I've been doing lots of research on Carmilla

ever since I got my genealogy report back.

And get this,

it says that I'm a direct descendant of Carmilla.

Don't you guys see?

This is why I brought you over here,

so that you guys could watch Debbie with me.

I knew she was gonna talk about Carmilla.

Okay wait, this is crazy.

So you are directly related to a real witch?

Yeah.

- Okay Lauren, I need you to please do me this favor.

I need you to put a spell on Adam,

so he lasts longer than two minutes in bed, please.

- We're not supposed to talk about that.

I'm sorry, babe.

Listen listen listen, seriously guys.

I have an Ouija board.

I say that we talk to Carmilla.

- You can talk to dead people with an Ouija board?

Yeah.

I want to talk to Kurt Cobain.

Why?

So he can say if you smell like teen spirit?

(whispers) Fuck you, Adam.

Oh my God, guys.

It's my Ouija board, I say that we talk to Carmilla now.

Would you guys like some wine?

Because I've heard that a little wine

will really help you guys get in touch with the spirits.

- Okay well you had me at wine, let's do this.

So, what you're saying is

that you want all of us to get drunk,

and talk to a bunch of ghosts.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Keep me liquored up, and I be your mama.

Really good show tonight, Debbie.

- (scoffs) Don't you mean really cheap show?

Is our budget so low that my director has to play a zombie?

And don't think I didn't notice you trying to cop a feel.

- (laughs) Hey, I was getting into character.

(scoffs) Yeah, whatever.

And you almost had me goin' tonight.

All that talk about witches, spooky.

It's all real Eddie.

Carmilla Karnstein really existed,

and for all we know, she could still exist among us today.

Oh yeah well, I can't see her.

Me on the other hand, I'm right here.

And I got a bottle of Lynchburg's finest,

and I don't mind sharing.

Gosh, with little old me?

I must be a lucky girl.

Was kind kind of hoping I'd be the one

to get lucky tonight.

(laughs) I bet you were Eddie.

But you know, talking about demons and witches

really takes it out of a girl.

I think I'm gonna head home and get a little beauty sleep,

if that's okay with you?

Well, I was thinking...

And you keep right on thinking, Eddie.

A girl can take one look at you,

and notice that you're a very deep thinker.

Wow, Debbie.

You really mean that?

Every word, Eddie.

Goodnight.

You know what?

I think that babe likes me.

Carmilla Karnstein, I summon you.

Carmilla, do you hear me?

Ask her if she knows Kurt Cobain.