Roseanne

I TOLD YOU, MY MOM'S NOT HERE.

HE'S NOT HERE EITHER. I'M ALL ALONE.

And I don't know anything about electric bills.

AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ELECTRIC BILLS.

DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE FIVE MONTHS BEHIND?

Hey. I'm just a little kid, and you're scaring me.

HEY. I'M JUST A LITTLE KID, AND YOU'RE SCARING ME.

OH, NICE PARENTING, MOTHER.

D.J.'S GOING TO TURN OUT MORE SCREWED-UP THAN THE REST OF US.

BY THE TIME THE THIRD ONE COMES ALONG,

YOU SHOULD HAVE THE HANG OF IT.

THEY WANT TO CALL DAD AT WORK.

NO! TELL THEM HE'S NOT THERE.

HE'S OUT TRYING TO FIND YOU A NEW KIDNEY.

JUST SAY YOU DON'T HAVE THE NUMBER.

AND HURRY UP. I'M WAITING FOR A CALL FROM MARK.

I DON'T GOT THE NUMBER. O.K.? BYE.

ATTA BOY, DEEJ.

CAN I GO NOW?

IN A MINUTE. UM...

I'M SORRY I MADE YOU LIE.

I WOULDN'T IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO.

YEAH, I KNOW.

'CAUSE IT'S NOT COOL TO LIE. YOU KNOW THAT.

I'VE TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE.

IT'S JUST, WELL, SOMETIMES...

WE HAVE TO LIE TO PROTECT OURSELVES

FROM ALL THE EVIL PEOPLE OUT THERE

WHO SEEK TO DESTROY US.

GOT IT?

GOT IT. NOW CAN I GO?

YEAH.

YOU GET THAT. IT MIGHT BE THOSE EVIL EASTER SEAL PEOPLE.

HELLO?

OH. HI, MARK.

YEAH, BECKY'S HERE. I'LL GO GET HER.

DIDN'T I TEACH YOU ANYTHING?

IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THE BOOB JOB.

THEY SUCKED THE FAT OUT WITH A VACUUM.

HOW MUCH?

SOME.

A LOT?

ENOUGH.

DID THEY HAVE TO CHANGE THE BAG?

WHAT'S YOUR POINT, ROSEANNE?

IT DON'T LOOK NO DIFFERENT.

WELL, SURE. IT'S STILL SWOLLEN.

WHY WOULD YOU GO TORTURE YOURSELF LIKE THAT?

I WAS SO DEPRESSED

WHEN I GOT THE SEPARATION PAPERS FROM ARNIE.

I HAD TO MAKE MYSELF MORE DESIRABLE.

YEAH. GUYS JUST CAN'T RESIST A CHICK

WITH A HEMORRHOID PILLOW.

HEY. EXPECTING A WATER LANDING, NANCE?

THAT'S IT. I GOT TO GO SOAK.

WAY TO GO, DAN.

SHE JUST HAD SURGERY BECAUSE OF HER LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

YOU WALK IN AND KICK HER LIKE A DOG.

SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT HER BUTT, DAN.

VERY JAUNTY.

COME ON. I'LL DRIVE YOU HOME.

THIS TIME I WON'T GO OVER THE RAILROAD TRACKS.

OH, I KEEP MISJUDGING IT NOW.

SO, HOW'D IT GO AT THE BANK?

WELL, WE CHATTED ABOUT THE RECESSION.

THEN I GAVE HER

MY "THINGS ARE BOUND TO BE BETTER AFTER THE ELECTION" SPEECH.

THEY SAID, "YOU'RE FOUR MONTHS BEHIND IN ONE MORTGAGE,

"THREE MONTHS BEHIND IN YOUR SECOND.

"WE WANT OUR MONEY FRIDAY.

AND HERE, HAVE A CALENDAR."

LOOK. KITTENS IN A BASKET.

DAN, I'M DONE WITH THAT MANIFOLD BACK THERE.

HEY.

HEY, MARK.

YOU WANT ME TO COME IN AGAIN TOMORROW?

I DON'T THINK SO.

CAN YOU GIVE A ROUGH IDEA WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED ME?

THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING, HERE'S YOUR DAYS OFF.

IT'S THAT BAD, HUH?

THINGS ARE PRETTY ROCKY.

LET'S TAKE THIS ON A DAY-TO-DAY BASIS.

IF YOU NEED ME, YOU KNOW WHERE TO CALL.

THANKS, BUDDY.

O.K., DAN, SO WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO DO?

THEY WANT THEIR MONEY, BABE.

TELL THEM THEY CAN'T HAVE IT.

CAN'T WE JUST GIVE THEM THE TRUCK? WE HATE THE TRUCK.

WHAT WOULD WE LIVE IN, DEAR?

OH, GOD, THEY DON'T WANT THE HOUSE.

NO, THEY DON'T.

WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF.

THEY REALLY DON'T WANT THE HOUSE, BUT THEY'LL TAKE IT.

IT'S WORTH LESS THAN THEY LOANED US FOR IT.

WHAT KIND OF STUPID INVESTMENT IS THAT?

WE'RE TAKING OUR MONEY ELSEWHERES.

THAT WAS THEIR SUGGESTION.

WELL, SO, NOW WHAT?

YOU POUR THE GASOLINE. I'LL LIGHT THE MATCH.

DAMN.

YEAH, DAMN.

I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE INTO BUSINESS FOR OURSELF.

THERE'S NOBODY TO STEAL FROM.

I'M JUST A LITTLE KID, AND YOU'RE SCARING ME.

WHO WAS THAT?

GRANDMA.

WHERE'S YOUR SISTER?

UPSTAIRS.

BECKY, GET DOWN HERE!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

FAMILY MEETING, DEEJ.

ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING.

WHAT'S UP?

PULL UP A CHAIR, BECK.

OH, GOD, THESE ARE ALWAYS BAD NEWS.

HOW MUCH WORSE COULD OUR LIVES SUCK THAN THEY DO NOW?

IT'S TAKEN A WHILE, DARLENE,

BUT WE'VE HIT THE JACKPOT THIS TIME.

YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE DECIDED TO CLOSE THE BIKE SHOP.

WE'RE HAVING A "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" SALE

AND LOCKING THE DOORS ON FRIDAY.

AND I DON'T HAVE A JOB. THAT MEANS NO INCOME.

HOW'D WE DO?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR MONEY?

I'LL GO BACK TO DRYWALL

AND MAYBE REPAIR A FEW BIKES OUT OF THE GARAGE,

AND UNTIL THINGS PICK UP, IT'LL BE PRETTY TIGHT.

IT'S REALLY GOOD THAT WE NEVER GAVE YOU ANYTHING,

OR THIS COULD COME AS A PAINFUL BLOW.

WAIT A SECOND. WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO MARK?

HE'S GOOD. HE'LL FIND SOMETHING.

YOU'LL HELP HIM FIND ANOTHER JOB, AREN'T YOU?

I DON'T HAVE A JOB,

AND YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T HAVE A JOB,

BUT WE'LL MAKE MARK OUR FIRST PRIORITY.

HOW IS HE GOING TO PAY THE RENT?

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE BACK TO MAKING HEEL MARKS

ON THE CEILING OF HIS CAR, BECK.

SHUT UP, DAR!

YOU KNOW, BECK,

I DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT I THOUGHT THE FIRST WORDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

MIGHT BE "SORRY YOU LOST YOUR BUSINESS, DAD.

WE KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANT TO YOU."

I GUESS IT'LL SOUND LESS SINCERE NOW WHEN I SAY IT.

THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS JUST GREAT.

HEY!

IT AIN'T WORTH IT.

WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT TO SAY?

CAN I HAVE A PONY?

BYE.

MOM.

YEAH?

I STILL HAVE SOME BIRTHDAY MONEY I HID IN MY CLOSET.

OHH. NO, YOU DON'T,

BUT THANKS ANYWAY, HONEY.

MARK?

MM-HMM?

HOW ABOUT THAT NEW GARAGE ON WAUKEGAN ROAD?

COME ON, BECKY.

I STOPPED THERE FOR GAS.

IT TOOK A LONG TIME FOR SOMEONE TO COME OUT.

THEY MIGHT NEED SOMEBODY.

MAYBE IT WAS SELF-SERVE.

O.K., O.K. WE CAN TALK MORE ABOUT THIS TOMORROW.

I GOT TO GO IN.

THIS ISN'T EXACTLY THE TIME TO MISS CURFEW.

BYE.

I DID GET ONE JOB OFFER.

YOU'RE KIDDING. WHERE?

RICK CALLED ME TODAY FROM MINNEAPOLIS.

YEAH?

THERE'S AN OPENING WHERE HE WORKS.

THE JOB'S MINE IF I WANT IT.

WELL, DO YOU WANT IT?

IT PAYS THREE TIMES WHAT YOUR DAD PAID ME.

THEY'D LET ME JOIN THE UNION.

WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS NOW?

WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER ALL AFTERNOON.

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU.

YOU KNEW HOW TO TELL ME.

YOU JUST WANTED TO GET ME IN BED AGAIN

BEFORE YOU DUMPED ME!

WHAT?

YOU JUST DIDN'T WANT ME MAD AT YOU.

YOU'RE ALWAYS MAD AT ME.

THAT'S NEVER STOPPED US BEFORE.

LOOK, BESIDES, I'M NOT DUMPING YOU.

WHAT DO YOU CALL MOVING TO MINNEAPOLIS?

IT DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE BREAKING UP.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE PARTYING WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

YOU'RE GOING TO MEET SOMEBODY ELSE.

I'LL BE STUCK HERE WATCHING BONANZA WITH DAN AND ROSEANNE.

NO WAY!

I DIDN'T SAY I WAS GOING TO GO.

LOOK, IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO TAKE THE JOB,

I WON'T TAKE IT.

I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

DON'T GO.

O.K.