Wynonna Earp

Previously on Wynonna Earp.

- He's my father. - Nicole Rayleigh Haught,

I really, really love you. - And I really, really...

hate this ring. - Is that a yes?

I can't handle seeing the looks on your faces if I fail.

Wynonna, what are you gonna do?!

Wynonna!

- You're not the heir of anything anymore.

Waverly!

Wynonna!

- She doesn't even have a weapon in there.

I am a weapon.

Who the hell is Valdez?

- Just tell me what we do. - Let's get them back.

You almost done?

I feel like I've been standing here for two years.

- How'd you find me? Magical sword?

Buntline special?

- Fork yeah? - Eh, fork maybe.

You ready?

Let's go get our steps in.

Well, it snowed again.

Keep up, retirement shirt.

We need to make up some time.

- You wanna get a little more specific on our plan here,

Warrior Princess? - Yeah, sure!

Find and climb invisible stairs,

meet Waverly and Doc at a supernatural garden,

uh... locate the rest of our squad,

mosey on home, enjoy a curse-free life,

and I'm gonna look good doing it.

You and me both.

Holy shit, they're back.

- Geez Louise, would you look at that.

I can't mess this up.

You won't.

- You know, after this, we're gonna bring everyone home.

We're gonna bring Chrissy, we're gonna bring Nicole,

Jeremy, we're gonna make our little old town

a demon-free zone once and for all.

Nedley? - Still not looking at your ass.

Here it goes.

One small step for MILF...

one giant leap for MILF-kind.

Catch you later.

'Course you will.

You know why?

'Cause I'm Wynonna Earp.

Ah, dang it all to hell.

Oh, Waverly.

Wynonna!

Oh, no.

No. No!

You do not get to vanish!

You are architecture!

- Wynonna! - Huh?

- As far as you know, did anything else

come out of the garden? - What in the Monkey Jesus?

Whatever they are,

they seem a little cheesed.

- Eat lead, fluffer-nutters. - No! Be careful!

- Keep your panties on, Bernice, I was trained by Doc Holliday.

What the hell was that?

Does it hurt?

Uh...

You ever been bitten by a rabid mongoose?

A rabid mongoose?

No.

Ah.

Can you get me a first-aid kit?

- Yeah. That's probably something we would have. Right?

You'd think. No, not here.

Maybe over here.

No Band-aids, no Bactine,

no rabies shots.

My friend, you're gonna die.

Well, I've had a good run.

I'm gonna check your bathroom.

- Oh. Just turn on the fan, would you?

Valdez?

- Ugh, carved into our wall, no less.

Well, that's... Yeah.

That's one way to leave a message.

- Right? What kind of psychopath doesn't use a pen?

- What kind of idiot doesn't own a pen?

Ugh. Nicole! Robin!

Guys! Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!

Someone's coming, guys!

Attention citizens!

You are being evacuated for your own safety.

Come voluntarily, or we take you by force.

Not cool, bro!

That's not how the Force works!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh no. The garden.

Final warning! Come out, or we come in!

Uh... Sorry? Gays only?

Drop the knife, drop it!

- I hope that taser is set to tickle!

Found these.

- Those are for the sisters, not the misters.

- Well, they absorb blood, I'm bleeding.

Look. "For heavy flow."

- Is that why you've been so moody and unpredictable?

That's really sexist.

I am the single dad

of a girl that got her first period at eleven.

And I've been shot six times.

Absorbent is as absorbent does.

Plus, they have wings, so...

Remind me...

Why wasn't the rest of your posse there to help you?

Bulshar wasn't their fight.

I drugged them at the kitchen table.

Well, that's a felony.

You were trying to protect them.

- What if I didn't? They're gone.

Nicole was wearing this...

when we drank, before Bulshar.

She was smiling.

Waverly must've given this to her.

Given it, or...

made a proposition?

Oh, my God.

Please be okay, Haught pants.

Wherever you are.

Ah, my head!

Oh, my God, I'm not on the homestead.

Wynonna Earp.

You little motherfu... Ow!

Okay...

Ugh!

- I've used these beaver blasters.

- You know, now is not the time for marital aids.

It's always time.

These are for busting beaver dams,

or anything else that gets in our way.

You got a sex toy

that can find a mysterious place no one else can?

It's called a G-spot, Nedley.

Like the stairs?

- What do cops do when they lose something or someone?

Set up a search grid.

Yes, right!

Right after we Kill whatever is in my kitchen.

Maybe it's Valdez.

- Well then, he owes me a home reno,

because that tag is tacky as hell.

Whoa!

Mercedes? - Ah! Wynonna!

- You could've killed me! - I know! Wasn't that amazing?

I've literally never thrown a knife before.

- It's nice to see a familiar face.

What?

Itis you in there, right?

Everything behind the tits.

- Kate?! - Hush!

The guards are lazy, but they like to throw hands.

- Kate, I gotta get off this train.

Yeah, so did he.

Nicole, meet my French fried friend.

He found out the hard way that the latches are wired up

like a chair in Sing-Sing.

- Electric locks? Who's in charge here?

- Government. Private militia posing as government.

They forcibly evacuated everyone

who hadn't already left purgatory.

What about Mercedes?

She was supposed to look after you.

- Cute thought. As soon as she heard the trucks,

girl took off faster than an actual Mercedes.

- And everyone else? - Well, it's hard to say.

I have to find Waverly, okay?

Last I heard, she and Wynonna were headed to find Bulshar.

At the garden.

- So you need me to read for you. On a moving train?

- Please. - Okay, well, I need something

to establish connection with Waverly.

Do you have anything of hers?

Yeah... Me.

- And then, these manly black trucks

surrounded my house,

and Kate, she was like,

"No! You're too beautiful to die!"

And then I was like,

"No way, we are in this together."

So you guys totally boinked.

- But I think she must've vampire mind-mushed me,

because the next thing I know, I am running away from the house

totally against my will.

- You sure your brain wasn't pre-mushed?

- And then I decided to come here,

and just wait for the friggin' heir to show up.

- Well, I'm not the heir of anything anymore, Mercedes.

The curse is broken. I killed your demon hubby, Bulshar.

- That's great! What did he leave me?

- A disaster zone. Somehow, the garden opened up

and sucked Waverly in. - Oh, good Lord.

I should've known that you weren't done