The Chaser's War on Everything

APPLAUSE

So long.

How are you, Anthony?

Where we are, around the world.

Thank you very much. Welcome to the war for another week.

On this truly momentous day, as the world came together

as one to say goodbye to one of the all-time great Michael Jackson.

And what an amazing memorial service it was.

20,000 people packed into the Staples Centre.

Another six and a half thousand at a nearby theatre.

A live television feed to billions.

And to think that the whole thing was organised by a simplicity funeral.

So they did a fantastic job. Very discreet.

Very tasteful.

And there were some amazing performances at the service

by the likes of Stevie Wonder, Mariah Carey.

But look, I wasn't totally sold on a new up Jackson 5.

Yeah, I'm not sure if you'll make a Peter Jackson 9.

It was the best Jackson to replace Michael Jackson.

No, but look, otherwise, the whole service was an extremely fitting tribute.

As mourners remembered Michael by wearing the traditional black

and then slowly changing into white.

But I thought Jackson's immediate family.

They lowered the tone a little bit.

I don't think you mean. Particularly, it was very unfortunate

when Janet Jackson had yet another wardrobe malfunction during the eulogy.

What is it with the Jackson?

I mean, they're curved, aren't they?

But just before the memorial, I don't know if you saw this,

there was a revealing piece of footage on CNN suggesting

that the ghost of Michael Jackson is now haunting Neverland.

Yeah, he liked this privacy when the doors were open.

You know, it was okay, but when he'd like, he wanted to privacy.

He had his privacy.

This is one of the bathrooms.

As if that's Michael Chats.

Oh, look, don't be so quick to judge.

I mean, we did some further tests on the footage.

And you told me that this isn't the ghost of Michael.

And if you still need further proof, then I think this said all the questions pretty clearly.

But I think more than anything what we've learned in the past couple of weeks,

just how much pressure Jacko was under, and how he sought refuge in his own little world.

Yeah, well, it's not just Jacko. I mean, it's true of all celebrities.

Like this week when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes flew into Melbourne,

a lot of people had to go at them for all the extra security and staff they asked for it.

But they're hotel crantellers.

Personally, I don't think they had enough special treatment.

I mean, Tom Cruise is a guy with some very unique needs.

So we lay some groundwork in Melbourne this week to ensure that he'd have a comfortable stay.

Hi, man. Hi.

Up from the Advanced Party preparation for Tom Cruise.

I was wondering if I could ask you to observe a few curses while Tom's saying.

Yeah.

If you could put that with his room.

I'm sorry, no.

It's very important that he thinks that everyone in Australia watches Belfyn there.

Sorry, I don't understand what you need me to do.

Sorry, sir. I'm from Mr. Cruise's Advanced Propriation Team.

If you don't mind if I scan your store with this e-mater for negative vibes.

I'll try to make sure things are clean.

Okay.

Can you play to remove that, sir?

Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

Can you remove those tic-tacs as well?

Very negative.

Thank you very much.

Shhh.

He's like a scourge.

Yeah, this is a fairly negative energy coming from you, sir.

It's possible for you to just leave the area.

All right.

And he flips out when he sees drugs.

It's against his religion.

So I'm wondering if you could just remove from display all the medicines.

All the medicines?

Yeah, store the medicines.

I want to protect you for his temper.

You are somewhat less vertically challenged than Tom is.

And he gets very sensitive about that.

So if you could possibly

get a little more,

could get him next.

It's fantastic.

Now he can be in any second.

So if you could just stay like that until Tom cruiser rides

and do not mention real sky.

Okay, thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.

Hello.

I was wondering if I could just make a few requests for Mr. Cruiser rides.

Why don't you take a seat and I'll get someone who can help you take me.

Do my fighters test that catch right there?

Yeah.

Fantastic.

Thank you very much.

Woo!

Woo!

Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's it.

It's too soft anyway, Tom.

I'll hide it.

Thank you for the time, Simon.

Thank you.

Thank you.

This week on Catalyst,

could guide dogs for the blind soon become a thing of the past.

Scientists in Queensland have been training these giant guide tortoises

with startling results.

We found these tortoises to be remarkably responsive.

Their slower pace makes them a much safer option for the handler.

Although at times in traffic, they have proven a little too slow.

So we'll slow and steady once again when the race.

I think I've got the tortoise.

I've been really pleased and happy since switching to the tortoise.

A friend of mine also briefly tried a guide porpoise switch.

By all accounts was a little less successful.

That's Blind Faith, first a night on Catalyst on ABC.

And to politics now and Kevin Run Andrew is jet sitting around the globe once again.

This time he's going to Italy where he wants to meet the Pope

so that he can help make Miriam a killer per saint.

Yeah, it's actually the other way around.

The Pope wants to meet Kevin because he wants some tips on how to become more pious and self-righteous.

While he's in Italy, Rud also is hoping to have some talks with Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

Unfortunately, Berlusconi is actually just flown to Australia to join our Navy after he heard how much sex they get.

Yes, Australian Navy is a zoo magazine by the sea.

Having Rud out of the country always makes it very difficult for us.

Let's face it even when he's in the country, he goes out of his way to avoid the chase.

Well, it's hardly surprising. He's the Prime Minister, you know. It's a very prestigious job in other countries.

I mean, he can't be wasting his time with light entertainment TV shows.

He's got more important things to do, like going on rove.

Yeah, look, I don't think going on rove did him any favours.

Did you actually notice how rude Rud was during that interview?

Check this out. Look at this. Here he is.

Giving the finger to Australian workers. Look at that.

He's flippin' up.

Rudeness knows no bounds.

And I'll tell you what, in that same interview,

he kept trying to deflect the Yutgate scandal by saying that there were much more important issues like the global recession.

Well, he loves the global, he adores the recession.

It gives him an excuse for everything.

Oh, absolutely. I've even whipped up this guidebook to help the Labour Party blame everything on the global financial crisis.

You know, not just embarrassing economic stuff like the massive budget deficit, but you know, other embarrassing stuff like

Belinda Niels-Anger, you can blame that on the GFC.

Peter Garret's whole political career.

You can even blame the GFC for Mike Kelly's poor no-mer's stash.

That's very good. I think just you should give a copy of that book to Kevin.

It's very easy, I said them done, mate.

I've been trying to give it to him for the last month.

I can barely get near him for more than five seconds.

He never goes out walking. He's always out of the country.

It's very frustrating. You know, it never used to be like this.

No, not in the old days, wasn't it?

So I decided that if I couldn't get to Kevin, I'd go to one person who's always been accessible.

Good morning, we've been trying to get to Mr Rudd.

But unfortunately, he's always overseas, and he doesn't seem to do a morning walk.

So we're wondering if you can help us.

We've got this 2001 labour excuses, because I'm a little bit worried they're not using the GFC as an excuse for nothing.

So we just want to get it to the new Prime Minister.

You're the closest we can get. Would you mind taking it?

No, the guy, I think your communications channel is a better than mine.

I wish you'd worked for an organisation that has very good communication.

You can't open the government.

Well, I think you would rely on your own.

How is this? Isn't this fun? This is like all times, isn't it?

You know, the federal police might have deserted you, the electricity is deserted you.

The media is deserted you, but we're still here like all times.

Very touching.

Look, it's good to be back. You're old, huh?

Yeah, we try to do what we can't say when, touch us.

That, huh?

I'd act.

Have daily coffee with him. Oh, OK.

All right, you don't catch up as much as you might.

You don't know as much as legion has it.

All right.

You'll gas yourself.

See you later.

So the logic issue is now, and other past few years,

I have loved following the Christian Ministry, catch the fire.

And in particular, they're President Danny Naly.

Yeah, he's a family first candidate.

And he caused a massive controversy when he said that Australia's drought was caused

amongst other things by abortion, divorce, and homosexuality.

Oh, yes.

Now, it is obsessed with abortion.

It is, our Danny.

You might remember during the tragic Victorian bushfires earlier this year.

Nalyar was the guy who came out saying the bushfires were God's way of punishing Victoria

for its abortion laws.

Yes. God visited Danny in a dream telling him that the fires would hit Victorian,

and this dream was back in October.

Four months before the fires happened.

I mean, if only we'd listened to him at the top.

And all the guys got the gift, the amazing ability to dream of future disasters.

We should be working with him, not against him.

So I thought I'd pay him a visit to get the scoop on his latest dreams.

Hey, hey, hey, Danny.

I was just wondering if you had any dreams recently that we should know about.

Any dreams of natural disasters?