Brooklyn Nine-Nine

All right, ladies, I don't got a whole lot

of time here, so what do you say

we make like Boyle's mom and you debrief me?

Didn't happen, and I should know.

She tells me everything.

Yeah, not everything, Chucky.

She took off my undies.

Hey, Peralta.

What is that?

- This? - Yeah.

Oh, nothing.

Just open-and-shut case.

Well, it looks like a pretty fat file for a dunker.

What is it?

Just some old lady has a missing torso

that we can't find.

Put it in the major crimes pile.

But we've already given them all of our felonies.

It's because I got a bet going with the captain of the A4

to see whose squad can solve the most cases.

Winner gets to choose a tattoo for the loser,

and guess what I'm getting him.

Calvin peeing on the Tasmanian Devil?

No, it's supposed to be a bad tattoo.

Man, you're really stupid in the morning, aren't you?

Captain, we all want you to win that bet,

but do you think maybe we could keep a few real cases?

Look, I'm gonna keep it real simple for you.

We only solve misdemeanors, wieners.

Say it.

We only solve misdemeanors...

Wieners.

Congratulations.

You just called yourselves wieners.

Dismissed.

Good morning.

For whom?

For you-m.

Okay, I can't keep lying.

Wuntch is here.

Oh, there it is.

The shriveled husk of Raymond Holt.

Look, Gina, is that a talking raisin?

Enough foreplay.

I'm here to discuss

the department's new smuggling task force.

The task force?

Oh, I thought you'd be

handing me another vapid PR assignment.

I am.

We need to choose a phrase

to replace the phrase "task force."

Our research suggests it's too aggressive.

What?

I like it.

Task force sounds like

some sort of body spray for hot dudes.

Oh, and, um, one more thing.

Since your little stunt with the subway poster,

I think you could use some supervision.

Bob will be keeping an eye on you.

It's gonna be fun, Ray.

But I'm his boss.

Oh, ouch.

How demeaning.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Sarge, you got to check this out.

Jake, what are you doing?

We can't work real cases.

This is a B and E.

Oh, it's so much more than that.

Look at these photos.

Perp came in through the back window,

set up the living room to look like a kid's tea party,

didn't steal anything.

Do you know what this means?

The victim still has their stuff?

The perp wasn't there to take anything...

except lives.

Sorry, I always wanted to say that.

I think this is the work of the Oolong Slayer.

Seems like a stretch.

If this is the Oolong Slayer, why isn't there a body?

I don't know, maybe he got spooked

before the Vic got home, or it could be...

Jake, you want a case so bad, you're making one up.

Look, the slayer hasn't struck in five years.

Chief Garmin set up a task force to find the guy

and turned up nothing,

and most importantly, the vulture's orders were

only misdemeanors, wieners.

Why do you follow people's directions

when you could literally pick them up

and throw them out the window?

Hmm?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Was that the sound of a juicy file I heard

plopping down on Peralta's desk?

Yeah, it was.

You just lost your overtime privileges for the month.

Everybody, listen up.

Anyone caught working on a case that I didn't assign

loses their overtime.

Capooch?

Capooch.

Capooch.

Uncapooch.

You didn't say "no take backs."

Ah, there you are.

I got something real special for the two of you.

Great, what do you got?

A month from today is my birthday.

I need you to throw me a party, all right?

Make it epic, surprise me.

Are you asking us to plan you a birthday party?

Yeah, Helen Keller.

Pay attention.

Did you choose us because we're women?

Women love planning parties.

It's in the Bible.

Unbelievable.

What a waste of time.

Disagree.

This is an amazing use of time.

We have complete control over that dummy's birthday party.

We can ruin it.

Yeah, fun.

I'll just mess up a captain's orders on purpose.

It'll be so... I can't even fake it.

Yeah, baby, I can pick up the crib,

right after I get the groceries

and before I start painting the nursery.

Yeah, I can draw a cloud.

I don't need a stencil.

Okay, I'll get the stencil.

Look, I don't know when I'll be home.

I'll text you, okay?

Ugh, all this paperwork is gonna straight-up kill me.

How are you so chipper?

Oh, simple.

I eat a cacao nib every time I close a case.

A what?

A cacao nib.

They're these happy little chocolaty delights

from deep in the Peruvian rain forest.

Here, try one.

Do I look like a man who snacks?

You look like eight circles with suspenders on.

But these aren't bad for you.

They're full of fiber and antioxidants.

Go ahead, try one.

Okay, fine.

Just one.

Mm-hmm.

Damn, these are good.

And plus, they're organic and fair trade.

Terry loves responsible agricultural practices.

Mmm.

Uh-oh.

Jake, you should not be here IRL.

Gina, my old friend who I grew up with.

So good to see you, and I have missed you so much.

Is Holt in?

Yes, of course he is, but he's in a meeting,

and you can not be seen stopping by

for chits and/or chats.

You need to leave.

Gina, I'm not here to waste his time, all right?

I have an extremely dope, possibly even disgusting case,

and I need to discuss it with him.

A case?

Extra no.

If Wuntch finds out he's working on a case,

she will punish him.

She's on the warpath right now, Jake.

The warpath.

Okay, copy that.

Loud and clear.

Don't want to cause a problem.

I will skraight-up skedaddle with no further a-do-do.

What's going on?

Well, Gina said we couldn't be seen together,

and I need your help.

Looks like we've both got a pretty bad case of jerk boss.

Yes, yours is an idiot,

and mine is a fork-tongued lizard witch.

The Oolong Slayer.

He's back.

I knew you would confirm my hunch.

He's back to his cool-ass psycho ways.

Great news, right?

Aside from a serial killer being on the loose.

What's your plan?

I'm gonna work the case in secret.

Wrong.

We're gonna work the case in secret.

Holy crap.

No one can know about this, understood?

Understood.