Plunkett & Macleane (Plunkett & MacLeane)

Captain James Macleane,

for drunkenness, unruly behavior,

causing an affray, and disturbing the King's peace,

I hereby sentence you to be placed

in the Knightsbridge debtors' jail

and to be held there until you are sober.

Take him away.

Go!

Oh, Jesus, Rob!

You're all right, son.

There was a ruby.

I swallowed it to keep it for myself.

I'm sorry.

Come on, son.

Go, there was a beggar in there.

He might've seen your face, go!

Come on, Rob, come on, my son!

Go, go!

Go, I'm dead.

Here, take the 'buss son.

Name?

Sculdeen.

I hanged Sculdeen a month ago.

Who's your partner?

Be sure he'll kill you.

Who's your partner?

Dog!

All right, all right.

Psst!

Don't shoot me, please, please, don't shoot me.

Now shut up!

I, I've got money.

I can get you money.

Shut up and dig, you bastard beggar.

I'm neither of those things, actually.

I'm the son of a clergyman.

Get on with it.

Faster.

Jesus Christ.

After you'd gone, soldiers came,

and a man with a dog.

Mr. Chance.

You know him?

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna fuckin' kill him.

I swear.

Here.

Do it.

I'm not actually very good at this sort of...

All right.

Okay.

Do it!

No, you're too low.

Go higher up.

It's in his guts.

Clean it.

Oh, yeah.

Oi!

Not so fast, vicar's boy.

Not my face, not my face!

Shit.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Cast some light.

Fuck!

- Piss off. - Over here!

Tag me in!

No, listen, wait.

Bugger off, vicar's boy.

Fire!

Wait!

Wait!

Oh my god!

You buggers!

They're coming, they're coming.

We've gotta surrender, they're gonna shoot us.

Surrender's for wankers.

- We surrender! - Hold your fire!

Body snatchers, sir.

Not now!

Jamie?

Lord Pelham.

You freed?

In a manner of speaking.

My debts are to be paid in full.

Sorry, Pelham.

Mr. Harrison, give Captain Macleane

my berth in the royal suite.

I'm sure he'll prove a lucrative guest.

It could be arranged.

Thank you, my lord.

Hope it's quick.

When one goes, Jamie, one must go with style.

Macleane.

You can tell a gentleman.

And you can tell a bag of scum.

After you.

Captain.

Thank you, love.

Captain Macleane!

This man says he's got urgent business with you.

Much obliged to you, Mr. Harrison.

Go on.

Saved his life once.

He's followed me like a dog ever since.

It's rather sad, actually.

What do you want?

You've just seriously compromised my social.

Don't be a prick all your life.

Gentlemen, please!

If you must be uncouth, do it elsewhere.

My fault entirely, gentlemen.

Shouldn't have mentioned the French.

Ah, yeah, no, perhaps you shouldn't.

All right, chinless.

You remember that ruby?

What, the one everyone eats?

We can buy our way out of this place.

Well, where is it?

That's marvelous.

My freedom's at the mercy of your bowel...

Our freedom.

Slip of the tongue.

Yeah.

I provide the ruby, you do the talking, right?

We have a gentleman's agreement.

That's nice.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

the jailer's daughter requires my attention.

And do help yourself.

I recommend the prunes.

Know what I mean?

Who ate all the pies?

Oh!

Oh, my angel, y siren's song!

You've ambushed me in the forests of your hair.

You've drowned me in the pools of your eyes.

You've shackled me to the poetry of your lips.

Oh, I do like to hear a fine gentleman talk.

Lady Tipton went to Hampstead

with the Duke of Northumberland

won 1,500

and left with the Duke of Norfolk.

Oh, really?

Oh, I've heard it a hundred times before!

Bastard.

I'll wager 10 guineas that Macleane

whips his cream before the strumpet.

20 says the whore squeals first.

30 guineas says they arrive together.

Care to express an opinion?

Yes, you've more money than brains.

Come on, Macleane, eyes shut, head down, think of England.

Come on, Jessie.

Ride him hard, ride him low.

Faster, faster!

Oh.

Fuck!

30 guineas each, gentlemen.

Fuck!

Come on.

Come on, push, push, push.

Go on, go on, go on, go on.

Yes.

Congratulations, it's a girl.

Yeah, Ruby.

This goes a long way

towards establishing your innocence, Macleane.

Mr. Harrison, if wisdom grew on trees,

you would be a bush.

You mock me, sir?

Mock you, sir?

Mock me not, sir.

No man mocks me, sir.

The wise man mocks the man.

The mocked man mocks the mocker.

Right.

Good.

Leave this with me.

Well, a gentleman always keeps his word.

Yeah, but you ain't no gentleman, are you?

Yeah.

While you were fucking, I was listening.

Yes, well, there you are, I see.

No, no, I mean I was listening to your friends.

You see, a wise man might get rich by listening,

in the right places.

I'm sure he might.

See, what I'm saying is that we could prosper together.

You and me, eh?

Look, I'm not altogether sure what you're suggesting,

but, you see, I'm a gentleman

and, well, no offense intended,

but would you mind awfully fucking off?

Whoops, sorry.

What to do with these fucking beggars.

Bastards!

Ooh, hello.

Ah!

No, I didn't think so.

Apparently some sort of child prodigy, yeah.