South Park

- OK, kids, let's take our seats.

Before we get started, we have a guest speaker today.

Please give your undivided attention to Kipling.

- Thank you, sir. Hey. What's up, guys?

My name's Kipling.

I'm with the Webelos of America.

I want to talk you guys about the exciting opportunity

to join the Webelos.

- Is that a chick or a dude? - Shut up.

- I'm sure some of you were in Scouts before.

Webelos are an extension of Scouts,

specifically for fifth and sixth graders.

- You guys, is that a chick or a dude?

- It's a chick. - Nah, that's a dude, bro.

- - ...part of it as well.

Now, I know what y'all might be thinking--

Webelos used to be only for boys.

Well, now they also allow girls,

and I myself, as a...

Webelo, can tell you

it's a great organization for everyone.

- I don't know, guys, I'm like 60% sure

that was a fucking dude.

- I'm definitely betting it's a chick.

What are the odds at?

- Looks like about 40 kids betting now,

55% saying the Webelo is a dude.

- So I'd only win, like, five bucks on a $2 bet?

- What are you guys talking about?

Prediction market app, dude.

You know, online peer to peer betting.

- Yeah, it's social platform betting.

People can make any bet they want,

and then other users take them up on it.

- Really? - Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude.

People bet on anything, even stuff here at the school.

See? Will the girls' soccer team win on Friday?

Will there be a snow day this month?

Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza

and destroy a Palestinian hospital?

Will school lunch have tater tots next week?

Wait, what was that?

- Will school lunch have tater tots next week?

- No, the one about my mom! - Oh. Uh...

Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza

and destroy a Palestinian hospital?

- Why the hell would my mom destroy a Palestinian hospital?

'Cause she's a Jew?

Boys, put 'em away.

You know the rules--no cell phones during school time.

Both: Sorry, Jesus.

No phones, guys!

- Take that bet down right now, fat ass!

I didn't put it up, Kyle.

I'm not even betting on it.

It's 9:1 odds your mom won't do it--those are terrible odds.

This is such bullshit!

I'm gonna find out who started this

and I'm gonna fucking rip them a new asshole!

- Man, you just bring up Gaza to a Jew and they flip out.

Maybe these are pretty good odds.

You're watching Fox News!

- They're called prediction market apps--

controversial online betting that's found a loophole

around normal gambling laws.

And, of course, the number one trending bet on the apps:

Will President Trump and Satan's baby be a boy or a girl?

- That's right, prediction market apps

are going crazy right now.

On Kalshi, 54% are betting it's gonna be a boy,

while bettors on Polymarket are at nearly 60%

the demonic butt baby's gonna be a girl.

Hello, boss.

Another gift for the baby.

Another present for the baby?

What about me?

- Everyone is so excited for the baby, boss.

You must be so excited as well.

- Uh, yeah, sure. Real excited.

- It is going to completely change your life, though.

What are you talking about?

Well, when the baby comes,

you will have to give it all your attention.

No more dinner parties in the Rose Garden.

No more baseball games. No more travelling.

No more long nights at Mar-a-Lago.

Oh.

Ooh.

Hey, Satan!

You wanna get in the hot tub and smoke some cigarettes?

- Hot tubs and cigarettes are really bad for the baby.

- Yeah, I know. Let's do it anyway.

- Wait, do you want to get rid of the baby?

I don't think your followers would be very happy

if we got an abortion.

Hey, relax, guy!

I don't want to get rid of the baby.

- Good, 'cause we're not going to.

Great!

Jimmy!

Oh, hey, Kyle.

What the hell is this?

- That's a prediction market app.

- I'm asking why did you bet yes that my mom would strike Gaza?

- Oh, yeah, I put some money on that.

I know it's not very likely, but I like to bet on

l-longshots.

- Why are you betting on it at all?

Israel and Gaza is a very serious matter.

Oh, I know, Kyle.

I told a joke about Gaza on a Zoom meeting yesterday

and nobody laughed.

I guess it's not even remotely funny.

Wow. What a terrific audience.

What is wrong with you people?

Do you even know what Gaza is?

Do you seriously just care about making a couple bucks?

You know what my mom would do if she found out about this?

She would absolutely lose her shit!

There's been a conflict in Israel for thousands of years,

and Jews and Palestinians are not football teams

that you bet on.

Guys, phones.

all: Sorry, Jesus.

- Kyle, if you think the bet isn't fair,

then you can just take it up with the company

that manages the app. - I can?

Sure thing.

These apps aren't r-run of the mill, rinkydink.

They're all run by highly professional

strategic advisors.

Hello?

- Yeah, is this the "Strategic Advisor for Predictive Markets?

Yes, it is.

- Well, there's a bet on one of your apps

that's incredible insensitive,

and it needs to be taken down now!

- Oh, uh, all our bets are actually regulated by the CFTC.

You need to talk to them.

What's the CFTC?

- It's the Commodity Futures Trading Commission.

It's the federal government.

They have to approve all bets and deal with discrepancies.

Fine! I'll call the CFTC then.

So stupid.

Commodity Futures Trading Commission--here we go.

Hello?

- Yeah, I'm calling about a prediction market bet

that's offensive to Jewish people.

Ooh, that sounds really bad.

If it's offensive, you probably need to speak with the FCC.

The FCC?

- Yeah, they're dealing with all the offensive stuff now.

Here, let me connect you.

Hello?

This is the same fucking guy!

- Who is it? - Uh, apparently,

there's a really offensive bet on an app

that the government is sort of in charge of,

and I'm like the strategic advisor.

An offensive government app?

I better go speak with the president right away.

Hey, Satan!

Hey, Satan!

Can you come downstairs?

What do you want?

- Just come down the stairs real quick.

For what?

For just real quick.

- Oh, there you are, Mr. President!

I need to talk to you.

- No, no, no, no! Brendan Carr, don't--

Whoa!

The FCC guy must have shitty ankles.

You guys! You guys!

Have you checked out the betting app lately?

- No. - Ever since Kyle got

all pissed off, the odds are going up

on his mom attacking Gaza.

- No way. - Yeah, check it out!

Now 17% of people are betting she's gonna do it.

We gotta get in on this, guys.

- Dude, Kyle's mom isn't going to strike Gaza.

- Yes, exactly. We know that.

And we can also influence Kyle

to get the odds raised even more.

It's called a conflict of interest, you guys.

It's a way to make free money.