Brideless Groom

Now, you see, Miss Dinkelmeyer.

That's the way it should be sung.

Shall we try it again?

I'll try anything for you, professor.

That's fine, fine.

If you please, doctor.

Doctor.

Doctor.

- Ooh! - Play.

No, no. You are too fortissimo, too allegro, too quantro.

- Oh, is that bad? - It ain't good.

You're supposed to be singing about the voices of spring,

not the eruption of a volcano.

Give with the throat, not with the bellows.

Oh, professor, you want it more like a bird.

That's it. That's it. Give me the bird.

Oh! Oh.

Look.

Ahh.

Play.

Enough. Enough. That's enough. That's enough.

We've done enough for today. You might hurt your voice.

You know, bend it, crack it, or break it or something.

Oh, professor, you're so considerate.

I'm just crazy about you.

Don't forget, we've got another lesson Tuesday.

Gargle with old razor blades.

All right, professor.

I know you wouldn't want anything to happen to my throat.

Except to have somebody cut it.

How would you like to be married to a dame like that?

Don't even say that.

Ooh! I oughta...

You oughta what?

I oughta be a little more careful.

Well, shut up and listen. Do you remember your Uncle Caleb?

Do I? Why, that old tightwad.

He'd steal flies from a blind spider.

- But Shemp, he's, uh... - He's a louse and a weasel.

Yeah, well he just died and left you 500,000 bucks.

Just like that old skinflint.

Five hundred thousand bucks.

Poor old Uncle Caleb.

Like I was saying, he was a swell guy.

Give you the shirt off his back and throw in the buttons too.

But there's one little catch.

You get the dough provided you're married.

So...

Married. No, no, fellas.

I'm gonna faint.

Oh...

- Or... - Or what?

If you get married within 48 hours of the reading of the will.

-What time was that? -Six o'clock, the night before last.

You just got seven hours to get yourself a bride.

It can't be done. No woman is interested in me.

Maybe not, pal, but if you look real hard,

you might find one that's interested in a half a million bucks.

- Maybe you've got something. - You're darn right he has.

- Do you know any girls? - I got a lot of numbers,

but I haven't had much luck with 'em lately.

Well, you can't get killed for trying.

- Where's the phone? - There's a booth down the hall.

Well what are we waiting for? Come on.

Down the hall.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh!

Oh. Here, here's six nickels.

That makes 17. You oughta hit the jackpot with one of 'em.

Go ahead.

Give me Susquehanna two-two-two-two.

Say, he's been in there over an hour.

What are you getting nervous about?

When Shemp pours on the charm, no dame can resist him.

I hope you're right.

Hello. Is this Ginger Gray? It is?

Well, this is your little snookums.

I'm about to do you a big favor, heh-heh.

Will you marry me?

Oh. Oh.

Hey. Any luck?

I've got one phone number and one nickel left.

Well, start usin' it.

You clumsy ox, you. Where'd that go?

It went down here someplace.

Let's find it.

I think it went over that side.

Look out. Get off of me here.

Oh, all right.

Here, take this receiver.

I got it, I got it.

Oh!

- All right, just take the... - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Here, now, wait a minute.

Get this outta my hair here.

All right, all right.

- Easy, easy, easy. - Get off your foot.

Look at... Look at what I got here.

- What's that? - I don't know.

Hey wait a minute, it leads around under my arm,

then up here around the neck.

Get your hand off of me here!

Oh, all right, all right.

- Easy. Easy. - Wait a minute.

- The line. Here we go. All right. - Easy, easy.

- Now, wait a minute. - Can you dial from there?

- No, can you? - Yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Wait a minute, if I come around like this way

and get up in this one.

- How's that? - Well, it don't feel as good

as when I did this.

Now wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, now. Take it easy. Now, look.

We ain't getting no place fast.

Let's get at this thing right the right way.

Let me get this off.

All right, wait a minute. All right.

I can't stand it any longer. It started with the book.

Moe. Where's your hat?

How ya doin'?

Get your hand outta my face.

That ain't my hand, that's your hand.

Well, all right, you asked for it.

Ow!

- Wait, wait. - Oh.

Say, miss, would you like to get married?

- What? - Get married.

Well, I don't know.

But you are kinda cute at that.

Oh, it's not me. It's him.

- We gotta get outta this. - All right.

There isn't much time left. You know that, don't you?

What happened?

That's what I wanna know.

Wait a minute.

Did you get a load of that?

- What a dish. - I wonder who she is.

We'll soon find out.

- Oh, boy. - Yes.

- Who's the new dame? - A Miss Hopkins.

Miss Hopkins. Did you hear that, kid?

And good-looking too. Go get her, Shemp.

- Oh. - Wait a minute.

You can't propose to a girl looking like that.

We gotta give you the works. Come on.

Go on.

Stand still, will ya? We gotta get going.

It's 3:00 now.

Yeah? And if you don't marry that girl by 6:00,

we're outta the money.

I said stand still.

Oh. Oh, Moe. Moe, I'm blind.

You burnt my eye out. Get a towel, Moe. Get a towel.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, oh.

Hey, where are the towels?

In the bottom drawer.

I got it.

You sure look funny with a Buster Brown collar.

- Hold that. - Oh.

You do too.

Where are ya?

Here.

Say, I forgot to tell you.

When the afternoon papers come out,

- you're gonna be famous. - How come?

I gave the story to the reporters. Yes, sir.

"Shemp Howard to inherit a half a million bucks."

Let's get going, kid.

I'm telling you to hold still, now.

- I'm warning you. - Oh, excuse me.

Ah.

Hold still.

Oh, almost had seven years of hard luck. Heh.