Dead Air

Mommy, mommy, hurry! Come on!

Yo Mike, hey!

- He's got a gun! - Hey!

He shoots, three points!

That's four in a row for.

The kid is on fire tonight!

On the bench. 12 points.

Just under three minutes away...

Carl, before you say anything, just let me ask,

did they use foul language when describing me?

Well, I think it is.

Hey, you know what? You know what?

Carl, we are the 800 pound gorilla.

We are the ones who sell the advertising.

What are they gonna do?

It's a bluff.

It's a bluff, Carl, and it's not even...

Even Lucy doesn't think so.

Hold on a sec. I got my wife calling.

Hey honey, I'm dangerously close to running late

and I've got Carl and his FCC shit on the other...

She did?

Well, tuck her in and I'll give her a kiss

when I get in and make it all better.

She won't even remember it by morning.

Hey, Gab, I'm sorry.

Let me switch back. Okay?

Love you.

Carl, here's the thing.

Listen, I am a brand name.

I have a formula.

You change the formula, you lose the listeners.

It is as simple as that.

People listen because of who I am and what I say,

And nobody wants to listen to a guy

with a fucking ball gag in his mouth.

This is god damn radio.

You want to talk then dial in, let's talk about this.

And you can explain to everybody listening,

how you like the FCC's dick in your ass

but you can say it without using profanity.

Bye.

Better hurry up, pal.

You're on in five.

They got you on payroll now, too?

I swear, Lucy has spies everywhere.

All right, that's about gonna do it for me

on this balmy Friday night.

- Logan! - Hey hey.

Nice of you to show up.

I think Gil was hoping to take over for ya.

Not when I'm still alive.

What about you, Mags?

You gonna tune in tonight?

Oh gee, Logan, I don't know.

I was kind of hoping to go to sleep tonight

without worrying about what tomorrow might bring.

Ignorance is bliss.

- Hey, John. - Ah, he arrives.

Maggie, hold the door!

I'm not late. Don't say it.

Don't say it.

Greetings from the great one.

I am your host, Logan Bernhardt,

the man with all the answers to your pathetic lives,

the reason you stay awake at night,

the personality you can't resist,

the shrink you can't afford.

Welcome to heartburn.

Speaking of burns, I am joined by your favorite

semi-employed, near burnout, Gil, the Bickering Brick man.

How come I don't get any

Oh, there's my applause.

Oh, you're too kind, you're too kind.

How are you feeling tonight, Gil, man?

Oh, I am ready to divide and conquer.

Okay. Enough about your sex life.

This is my show.

Well, the lines are lit and we're ready to roll.

How you feeling?

I'm feeling a little paranoid, my friend.

You don't smell like pot

so you must be reading your hate mail again.

No, apparently my ex-wife has run out of postage stamps

so it's something else actually,

it's something that's been bugging me since I was a kid.

And the only reason it's coming up now is because,

well, I was stuck in traffic

and I just, in fact didn't get a chance

to prepare for tonight's show.

Awesome!

Sounds like a well-conceived eye-popping night

of insight and insanity.

It's that top level entertainment

that's made us number one,

the mostest listened to show on the air.

- Mostest! - Yes.

And with a third world, third grade education,

I will be back to take your calls right after these words.

Cutting it a little close, were we?

It's not my fault.

I had to take Gabby's brother to the airport.

You never took my family to the airport.

Well, you never asked me to.

Because I knew you'd say no.

Well, that's not fair.

I just, I just took Gabby's brother.

You know, you do a lot of things for Gabby

you never did for me, Logan.

Look, I made you my producer.

I hired you to fill a time slot

Guys, we're back in 10.

I brought you along after I made us number one.

That was part of a divorce settlement

- Back in five. - So what does that mean?

You get a better lawyer, you're a better person?

In this town, are you kidding me?

One.

Yes, we're back.

This is Logan Bernhardt.

For the next five hours, we're gonna be talking about.

P-A-R-A-N-O-I-A, paranoia.

I hope I spelled that right.

I'm, I'm not sure.

But what has you all bent out of shape?

It's the Taj Mahal.

The...

The Taj Mahal has you paranoid?

Yes, and I'll tell you why.

Oh, please do.

Have you ever, and I'm being serious now,

have you ever seen a picture of the Taj Mahal

that wasn't taken from the front?

You know, with a pool in the foreground

and there's the Taj Mahal.

I'm not kidding now.

It's starting to freak me out.

I mean, think about this.

Have you ever seen the side of the place

or the back for that matter?

Come to think of it, no.

Is it real or is or somebody just trying

to pull the wool over the rest of the world's eyes?

What do you think it is?

You think it's like a cardboard plywood cut out

that they painted to look like a palace?

Maybe.

And the use of that would be?

That's why I'm so paranoid.

I mean, it's a famous palace.

I'm guessing it's in India.

I don't know, does royalty live there?

Is it the equivalent of the White House?

Or is it a failed Vegas style casino?

You know, I really haven't thought that deeply about it.

Ah-ha! Ah-ha!

And that's why I'm here, my lovable, but ignorant friend,

to shine light and give perspective to things

that we just don't put a lot of thought into.

You know, I think it's something

that we could very easily find out online.

No, no, don't!

That would defeat the whole purpose of my being here.

You are paranoid, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

And I'm not alone.

That's why I want our callers to call in right now

and tell us why are you so freaking paranoid, America?

You mean like the guy who lives across the street from me

who sits on his porch, sharpening knives,

staring, every time I mow the lawn?

You've got a who sits on his porch and sharpens knives?

Yeah.

And he's creepy.

I'm afraid one day he's going to come over, stab me,

then ask to borrow a cup of sugar.

- Oh, in that order. - Yeah. In that order.

That would be something to be worried about.

Okay, I see the lines are lit up.

America, why are you so paranoid?

Caller number two, you're on the air.

Cat food!

Did she just say "cat food"?

Ma'am, why is cat food making you paranoid?

Well, I keep looking at all the flavors

of cat food they have,

and I keep seeing things like "beef" on the side of the can.

So you're concerned about beef flavored cat food?

Yeah!

That's a strange thing to feed a cat, don't you think?

I mean, I understand chicken and fish

because those could be something that a cat might kill.

- Cats kill fish? - I can't imagine

a domesticated cat being able to take down

a 1200 pound cow.

So how could it have acquired the taste

of something like that?

Your cat isn't from Texas, is it?

If those pet food companies

want to feed our cats beef,