The Office

This here is a radon test kit.

Okay, I'll be putting them everywhere.

And please don't throw these out.

This is a radon test kit.

Please don't throw these out.

You'll see them all over the office.

Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere

like he owns the place.

The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap.

But I figured I'd rather live with ants

than with this creepy little disk.

The second time, I thought it was one of those,

you know, the things you turn over and it moos like a cow thing,

but upon closer examination it was another ant trap, so I threw it away.

And the third time, I did it out of spite.

Come on, Michael, you're interrupting.

You're kidding me! God!

You say radon is silent but deadly and then you expect me

not to make farting noises with my mouth?

What is this? Please sit down.

You know what, we're not gonna die of radon,

we're gonna die of boredom.

Yeah.

Right?

And if I had a gun with two bullets,

and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby,

I would shoot Toby twice.

Okay, all right. You were being really funny

and then you went too far.

I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.

No. That's still...

Okay, geniuses, how would you do it?

Curve the bullet like in my favorite James McAvoy film Wanted.

All that does is help you shoot around things.

What does Bin Laden... Is there a curtain rod in the room?

I don't know.

How about make-believe land has anything you want?

Stanley, please, this is serious.

Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence?

Yes, we should stab Toby through the heart with an icicle.

Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring.

Here's how you do it. You line them all up,

you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat

at the same time.

Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here.

Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up.

I don't want to do this. Throats together.

Toby, just do it! Toby, come on.

God.

Ready, one bullet and...

Boom!

Yeah, that works.

It worked!

What flavors did you get?

It's so exciting, Pam.

The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60.

"Despera-Dough, Witchy-Womanilla." Why do they do this?

Do you want me to go back to the store?

No, no, no, it's fine. I was just commenting.

We got to get these out, open them up. Okay.

This is all for Michael. Turns out his girlfriend was married.

Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart,

this whole place comes to a halt,

so, we're just trying to get out in front of this.

After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours.

Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me.

Yeah.

Or, no, well, I don't know.

I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece.

Otherwise I'd be running this.

That's okay.

You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late.

We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room,

and the Pink Panther movie in his office.

With half hour shifts to watch with him.

And we need bodies in both these rooms, people.

So, please sign up.

He's coming. Oh. Okay.

Everyone, remember when he gets like this,

he will wallow if you empathize.

Keep conversations light.

And if you get stuck and you don't know what to do,

make a random sound effect.

Okay, farting noise, whatever. Okay.

Hey, everyone. No, out.

Get out, right now. Leave now.

Get out. Right now.

Please, please!

And if he makes a joke, just laugh it up

no matter what, okay?

Morning, everyone. Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hello.

Michael, nice tie or something.

Thank you. It's reversible, I think.

That's hilarious. PAM: That's awesome.

You want some ice cream?

Oh! Wow. Are those Eagles flavors?

"Cake It To The Limit," that's my favorite.

I love that. Too much for me to have by myself.

Anybody want to share?

Okay, well... That's random. I will dig into those later.

I don't follow this exactly.

"The descendents of any replicants

"from this union shall have..."

Joint custody. Joint custody.

Are we talking about your grandchildren?

No. No.

Rather than spend all day in court,

we have decided to settle our dispute using a mediator.

It was an option spelled out in our child-rearing contract.

Alleged contract.

Alleged?

I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over.

Pfft. Yeah, just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you.

Yeah.

See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it.

So much of this is just impossible to verify.

Item five, point B, the beet juice cleanse.

I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting.

How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample.

Dwight, look at my teeth.

Ugh!

No secret crying.

Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there.

Could he still be seeing her?

I don't think he'd do that.

So, we're gonna say the most likely scenario

is that Michael matured overnight?

It happened to Tom Hanks in Big.

Exactly. It happened in Big.

No, I gotta go. Text me later.

I'm really too tired to do this. Me, too.

Then let's just not do this.

Do you have any idea of the risks involved?

Hey, Michael. Hey.

We were wondering if you'd like to have dinner with us tonight

in our home and play with our baby?

We could order in from Hooters.

Hooters to go, nice.

We can watch a movie and play Rock Band.

Billy Joel Rock Band.

That exists?

Yes.

Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer.

Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna?

Okay, Pam,

she's not invisible, so stop asking silly questions.

Michael.

Since when is this an office

where we delve into each other's personal lives?

I like Donna.

Is it wrong to keep seeing her?

Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband

or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.

That is something I would never do.

Well, I think we all know what you're capable of, Meredith.

Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on or been used to cheat with.

I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"

People, this is Scranton

and many people consider that to be

the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania.

And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.

Ugh! Ryan, I do not want you hanging out with Michael anymore.

Okay.

Okay, I will have you know that I asked Donna about this

and she is fine with it.

And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward, same answer.

How does he feel about it?

He is never gonna find out.

He is a high school baseball coach,

he wakes up early, he goes to bed early.

Look at how long it took for him to find out.

It was right under his nose. I had to tell him.

Okay, now you're just being hurtful.

I'm sorry.

Why is it okay for Stanley to cheat? Or for Phyllis to cheat?

Hey.

On her diet.

He's a sports guy. He's scummy.

Dog fighting, drugs, they spit.

Did Donna tell you that?

Real Sports with Bryant Gumball.

So, you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy.

You know what? You know what?

I am declaring a moment of silence right now.

Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson.

Just sit there and think about Michael Jackson.

My name's Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold.

For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare,

a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him.

I've lived the part.

And let me tell you, I would so much rather play the part on stage.

So, here's the thing about infidelity.

No, no.

When are you people going to stop casting the first stone?

I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy.

How does that work?

Do you think this husband is a super sweet, nice guy?