Hellzapoppin'

This is a fine pickle-dilly.

Fifteen years I been running these pictures,

and now, all of a sudden, I got to be an actor.

Ooh! Ooh!

- Calling all devils. - Calling all devils.

Stop being so wasteful.

We have lost our priorities on fire and brimstone.

That is all.

Okay, boys! Can him up!

Send up to the warehouse for more blondes!

We're running low!

Bring up some more heat.

- Stand back, everybody. - Stand back.

Here come our prize guests.

That's the first taxi driver that ever went straight where I told him to.

- Next time you say that, smile. - Yeah.

What are you afraid of? Remember, you're head man here.

Say, that's right. I am.

Here, Jeeves. Who are you?

U.S. Secret Service, 2-5-2-6-6.

- What number? - 2-5-2-6-6.

Holy smoke, I've been drafted.

Let me go!

Let me go!

Please! Please! Let me go back to my little baby.

- What are you talking about? - My little Junior.

Mommy!

Oh, Mama!

Oh, Mommy!

They struck oil.

Hey! What about that fare?

- Who was that? - "What about that fare" is what I said!

What?

You heard me!

- Wait a minute! - What are you gonna do, give us a bill--

Hey, now, wait a minute! You can't give us a bill

for riding around just a block like that.

We've ridden in yellow taxicabs all over the country.

Do you think we're gonna pay that? Give him the works.

What's this?

Whoa!

What happened?

Pardon me just a moment, folks.

Hey, operator! Hey, you up there running this film.

I'd like to see that last part over again.

Oh, he can't do that, he's working for the theater.

The management won't let him do it. What's the matter-- Are you crazy or something?

He'll do it for us. I got him the job!

That's Cousin Louis.

Toots, every time I see you, I get hot and cold at the same time.

Give me your lips, will you, Toots?

I will not.

Louis. Louis!

Rewind the film!

- Aw, come on. - Louis!

We've been keeping steady company now for two days, haven't we?

Hey, Louis!

Don't go away.

Rewind this film, will you?

What's the matter with you guys? Don't you know

you can't talk to me and the audience?

Well, we're doing it, aren't we?

Yes, folks.

This is Hellzapoppin'!

Come on, Louis, make it snappy.

This is screwy. The actors out there talking to me up here.

Okay, Louis!

Who was that? Give him the works.

Get away!

- They're off! - Last Chance, first.

Second Honeymoon, third. Henry the Eighth, fourth.

Anaconda Copper-- 87 and 3/4, down a point.

Let me go! I can't stand it! I can't stand it!

I can't stand it any longer!

- You can't stand what? - This!

And cut! Hold the cameras.

Save the steam, save the flame.

- This is impossible. - What's the matter?

- We can't shoot this kind of stuff. - Why not?

This is Hellzapoppin'!

Chickens, horses, Tic-Tac-Toe.

Pictures are different. You got to have a story!

Story! Crazy. Come on.

Just a minute, please, just a minute. Pardon me.

May I please have your autograph? You know, you're my favorite actors.

Oscar always takes me to see your pictures. We just adore them.

- Well, thank you. - Who are they?

Why, Olsen and Johnson.

Olsen-- Olsen and Johnson!

Oscar!

Now, listen, fellas. We got to have a story. A love story.

- Why? - Why? I'll tell you why.

Because we got to have one! Because every picture has one!

Hey! Just a minute.

Take it easy, bud!

- Who is he? - My bodyguard.

- Take it easy! - Oh!

Telephone for Mr. Olsen.

Hello?

Who? The chambermaid?

It's for you.

Hello? Yeah.

That's bad.

That's good.

That's good.

- That's bad. - Hey.

- That's good. - Hey.

- That's good. - Hey!

- That's bad! - Hey, what are you doing?

- That-- What? - What are you doing?

I'm helping her sort a box of strawberries.

Mrs. Jones! Mrs. Jones!

Now, what do you want?

I've got to deliver this plant to Mrs. Jones.

- Mrs. Jones! - Look here, my friend,

we're making a motion picture here.

That's a matter of opinion. Mrs. Jones!

Ole, Chic, listen.

We've had a writer working on a love story.

Won't you at least talk to him?

Come on.

You can't tell me you have to have a love story.

Would I give you a bum steer?

Oscar!

Hey, I've been a director for 15 years and I never did a picture without a story.

There never has been a picture without a story.

There never will be a picture without a story!

Gentlemen, gentlemen. May I take your picture?

- What? - May I take your picture?

- Sure! - Go ahead.

Oh, thanks!

Boys, put your careers in the palm of my hand.

Oscar! Oscar!

Will someone stop that woman from yelling "Oscar"?

Oscar!

Will someone please stop that woman from yelling "Oscar"?

Oscar.

Thank you. Thank you, very much.

Boys, I'll mold you into great artists.

You don't have to mold us. We're very happy the way we are.

Yeah, we think we look fine. Give us a chance and we'll make you the best director--

- I am the best director! - Now, wait a minute.

I thought they burnt that.

All right, Selby. Up on your feet.

This is Mr. Olsen and Mr. Johnson.

- How are you, Selby? - I didn't hear your first name.

- Harry. - What?

Harry.

Well, you've got to speak louder. I can't hear you.

Harry!

Yes, he's a little weak. The doctor's got him on a soup diet.

- Soup diet? - Yes, he told me to eat three plates a day.

Three plates a day?

Ha! You ought to be feeling swell.

Oscar!

- Oscar! - Be right back.

Joe, Harry, Willy! Where are all my assistants around here?

Now, look, Selby. You seem like a bright young man.

- How old are you? - Twenty-three.

Twenty-three. Well, that's a patriotic age.

Uncle Sam needs young men like you.

- I presume you're ambitious. - Oh, yes.

That's fine. What would you like to be?

Twenty-nine.

Say, fella. How much would you charge to haunt a house?

How many rooms?

Okay, boys. Okay, no more interruptions.

Mrs. Jones! Mrs. Jones!

- Mrs. Jones! - Oscar!

Oscar!

How much longer do I have to put up with this?

Until we finish this picture!

How long?

Until we finish this picture!

Oh, no!

Okay, send for another cameraman.

All right, boys. Grab a couple chairs and sit down.

I'm gonna tell you this story if I have to hire people to listen.

It's a picture about a picture about Hellzapoppin'.

It's a great script. Feel how much it weighs.

Listen, buddy. For three years

we did Hellzapoppin' on Broadway.

And that's the way we want it on the screen.

This is Hollywood. We change everything here. We got to.

Why?

Listen to the story!

It's all about a young fella named Woody Tyler.

That's Woody Tyler. He's very rich.

Wait till he pays his income tax.

Now, Woody's in love with Kitty Rand.

That's Kitty Rand, also very rich.

Well, that solves everything.