Angie Tribeca

Ladies and gentlemen, we are just moments away

from hitting our one millionth cheat.

I want to thank each and every one of you

for believing in my childhood dream...

a service designed to give a voice to a group...

who for too long have been silenced.

I'm talking about people who want to be married

but still bone other people.

- Woman: That's right. - Man: Hear, hear!

- Woman #2: That's right! - And now that dream is a reality.

Cheat. Cheat.

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

What the hell is going on?

Mr. Tweedner, the servers aren't responding.

I think we've been hacked.

Huh?

Sorry. I think you still have the bathroom key.

Oh. Sorry.

Thanks.

Geils, Tribeca,

I'm afraid cybercrime has once again reared its ugly head.

Lieutenant, I told you, it's just a printer jam.

Their server's been hacked.

The perpetrator is threatening

to release the names and identities

of all the cheaters on the site unless it's shut down.

Why do we have to help a website that encourages people to cheat?

I say let the data be published.

Ow!

I know it's distasteful, Tribeca, but the law is the law.

Now, because it's a cybercrime,

the FBI has sent us a tech expert

to help out with the case.

I'd like to introduce you to Special Agent Diane Duran.

Good morning.

Agent Duran, Detectives Treils and Gibeca.

Sorry, I'm flustered because you're so impressive.

He's Treils. I'm Gibeca.

- Nice to meet you. - Hi.

Atkins: Your reputation precedes you, Duran.

Smart, professional, but with a fun, mischievous side.

You flatter me, Lieutenant.

Geils, I think you lost something.

Uh...

We got a real tough one here, Agent Duran.

Call me Diane.

Let's see if we can give this hacker a run for his money.

At 9:03 A.M., a self-replicating code was Trojan-Horsed

through the backdoor of Meet'N'Cheat's servers.

Those computer-sounding words convince me you're an expert.

Why don't I set my equipment up,

and you can go talk to the C.E.O. of Meet'N'Cheat,

find out if he has any enemies?

Other than every housewife in America.

Great. We'll get right on it.

I want to date her.

I want to be her.

Garth Tweedner: Okay. What'd you guys come up with?

Every minute I'm not online,

a dad is throwing a football with his son,

a mom's helping her daughter with homework.

Couples are finding ways to make it work,

and that's money out of my pocket.

How do you live with yourself?

I'll tell you how I live.

I sleep on a bed made out of human buttocks.

Every item of clothing that I'm wearing

was handmade by a gifted Asian child.

You want to know what I drink instead of water?

Supermodel breast milk.

You want to know what kind of car I drive?

A pre-owned Toyota Avalon.

Sir, on behalf of the 99%, thank you.

You're a job creator.

What I do might be distasteful to you, Detective,

but the world needs guys like me to take us to the next level.

I mean, imagine a world without honesty,

fidelity, common decency.

You know what I think?

I think we should let this hacker release all your data

and bring this company tumbling down.

Sounds like someone doesn't want their parking validated.

Do you have any enemies? People who want you to fail?

Mm... It would be a heck of a lot easier to count my friends.

Let's do that, then. Anyone left over will be considered your enemy.

Okay. Alex Rodriguez, Dustin Diamond... and that's it.

Wait a second.

There were these twins that I went to school with,

Ned and Ted Doppelganger.

Hate my guts.

They think that I stole the idea for Meet'N'Cheat from them.

- But that's not true? - No, it's totally true.

I literally took their computer from their home.

Ski mask, flashlight, the whole nine yards.

Suckers.

There's no way this guy's friends with Dustin Diamond.

And where would we find these Doppelgangers?

Well, they teach at our old school.

You know it as Harvard, but most people know it

as the Miami University of Ohio of Massachusetts.

Thank you for meeting with us, Professor Doppelganger.

- And Professor Doppelganger. - Of course.

Not that we're anxious to help out our old "friend".

Garth Tweedner.

That prospect is less than appetizing.

I take it you're not the biggest fan of the rock star C.E.O.

who stole your idea and made millions from it.

Since the gag order, we're not allowed to say

what we really think about Mr. Tweedner.

But off the record?

I think he's the scum of the Earth.

Lowest of the low.

Geils: Sounds like a pretty big grudge.

Big enough to want to take down his whole operation.

Hacking's not our game, Detective.

When we take people on, they know about it.

Besides, we're about to start a new business venture.

It's called FastFruit.

It's gonna revolutionize fruit delivery.

You suddenly got a hankering for a plum?

Within five minutes, a drone arrives

and drops it right in your hand.

Allow us to demonstrate. Name any fruit.

- Tomato. - Ugh. You're that guy?

Ted, it's fine. Hand me the drone controls.

As we speak, I'm piloting a drone

to our fruit-distribution warehouse in New Hampshire.

Is there anything about the nature of the hack

that would point to who might have done it?

Now, I've selected your tomato from a huge pile of tomatoes,

and I'm piloting it back to this room.

Hackers all have their own signatures.

They're show-offs.

They don't want to get caught,

but they certainly want the recognition.

Holy shit! Look out!

Your tomato.

We're still taking investors at the $10,000 price point.

So, we've come up empty so far.

Any new leads you can give us?

I have an algorithm running that should ping the location

of the servers connected to the hack.

And I'm making linguini alle vongole,

but help yourself to charcuterie

if you need something right away.

That should be the location of the server.

We've been hacked.

My mom had blowy hair.

We don't know much, Mr. Mayor.

The hacker is threatening

to release the names of every user on the site

unless we shut it down permanently.

And now he's inside the LAPD's network.

And if he can get in here,

there's no telling what he's capable of.

There's only one way of dealing with this, Pritikin.

Succumb to his every demand.

- Pardon me? - Shut down the site. Pay him off.

- Make this thing go away. - I'm not sure that'll be the end of it.

There are 25 government employees

in nine different county departments on Meet'N'Cheat,

including one in the mayor's office.

Sir, we cannot just give into this guy.

Damn it, Atkins, inside the mayor's office.

Not the outer office. The inner office. Where the mayor sits.

Sir, I understand there is sensitive info that we are dealing with...

The guy on this list sits in the mayor's chair.

Wears the mayor's suits.

Has a plaque on his desk that says "Mayor Perry."

Look, people are gonna get swept up in this...

My name is on the list. Mayor Joe Perry.

Username... MayorJoePerry1.

Password... "YesThatMayorJoePerry."

Sir, the only way we are gonna figure out whose names are on that list

is to figure out who the hacker is.

Now, I am asking for your permission to divert resources...

Me, the man standing in front of you,

the mayor of Los Angeles, cheats on his wife

and does so by making use of a website

exclusively designed for cheaters.

Mr. Mayor, if I didn't know better,

I'd think you're trying to cover up the fact

that your name may have somehow ended up on that list.

So, who's this guy again?

Just a homie I used to roll with back in my math club days.

But I got to warn you, he ain't too good with people.

I don't know about this.

What the do you want?!

Ced, it's me, Tanner, from the old neighborhood.

Who this vanilla yogurt?