Killer Klowns from Outer Space

- (SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS) - (ECHOING LAUGHTER)

(THE DICKIES: "KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE")

# Killer klowns

# P.T. Barnum said it so long ago

# There's one born every minute

# That you know

# Some make us laugh

# Some make us cry

# These clowns only gonna make you die

# Everybody's runnin' when the circus comes into the towns

# Everybody's gunnin' for the likes of the killer klowns

# Chuckle!

# The ringmaster shouts "Let the show begin"

# Send in the clowns, then they'll let you in

# See the rubber nose

# On the painted face

# Bringing genocide to the human race

# It's time to take a ride

# On the nightmare merry-go-round

# You'll be dead on arrival

# From the likes of the killer klowns

# From outer space

# There's cotton candy in their hands... #

Little son of a bitch.

Cops.

This is Mooney calling in.

'Read you. What's doing, Curt?'

Nothing yet, Dave,

but Friday night's just starting.

I'm heading across town to the park. Check in with you later.

'That was a hot tune from The Doorman,

'but now we're going to slow it down a little bit

'for all you make-out artists at the Top of the World.'

Give me a cold one.

All right.

'I'm Jojo the ice cream clown

'with the bestest ice cream in town.

'We'll give you the stick, you give it a lick,

'and it'll tickle you all the way down.

'Ice cream, ice cream.

'We brought our goodies here to you,

'a tasty treat for while you screw.

'Let's take a break.

'Cool off those hot lips with our tasty frozen fruity bars,

'icy wicys, fudgy wudgy bars,

'and everyone's favorite frozen delight, the lick-a-stick.'

Jeez, what the...

Get out of here, you morons!

Hey, take your ice cream and get lost.

'Oh, yeah?'

Quiet down. You got the speaker on.

Beat it, you jerk.

'So, you don't want any ice cream?

'Well, you're not getting any.'

We were getting it before you showed up.

Those guys, man... What the hell are they doing here?

Great idea, Paul. Everybody loves ice cream.

What do you mean? It was your idea.

Hey, why don't we just park here for a while?

Hey, what are you guys trying to pull here?

Well, we thought we'd park here for a while.

You said we could have all the ice cream we wanted,

but you didn't say anything about parking.

What kind of girls do you think we are?

I told you they weren't that stupid.

We want you to take us home right now.

- Yeah. - Take it easy. Keep your shirt on.

Don't worry. We intend to.

'Well, this worked out just great.'

'Don't blame me. I didn't want to come here.

'Hey, why don't we try the drive-in?'

'Oh, that's dumb.

'Hey, wait a minute. What's playing?'

Knuckleheads.

You know those guys?

Those guys are my best friends from school.

I tell you, whenever I want to have a good time, I call Rich and Paul.

A night out with those guys...

is a total adventure.

What am I talking about the Terenzi brothers for,

when I would much rather be kissing you?

Oh...

This is great.

Yeah.

Wow, check that out!

- Did you see that? - Yeah, I saw that.

That was incredible.

Well, I'll be hornswoggled.

Did you see that little old sky guppy zip down in there, Pooh?

It's Halley's Comet,

and he's landed in our backyard.

There's gonna be thousands of people.

Thousands of people are coming.

They're gonna have hot dogs.

Gonna have helicopters and airplanes

and tacos.

It's...

This is our lucky day. We gonna be rich, Pooh.

We gonna be rich.

Come on, let's go check it out.

Oh, come on. No way.

Debbie, it's a waste of time. It's got to be 1,000 miles away.

We'd ruin our whole evening.

Don't give me that. You saw how close it was.

It landed right over the hill. Now, that is not 1,000 miles away.

Come on. You can find it, Mr. Adventure.

Debbie, don't you want to finish our champagne?

Take it with us.

Come on.

Okay.

Heel.

Come on, come on.

Attention, dog. Come on.

Well...

I'll be greased and fried.

What in blue blazes is the circus doing up in these parts?

I love the circus.

Come on, maybe we can get us some free passes.

Come on, Pooh.

I never seen one that looked like this one before.

Well...

I don't know, Pooh.

You know, there's something kind of peculiar around here.

Where is everybody?

There ain't nobody around.

Where's the dang ticket booth?

How are we supposed to get in and see the show?

Pooh?

Pooh Bear?

Where is that dog?

Pooh! (GASPS)

Something funny's happening around here.

What in tarnation's going on here?

Oh! (MOANS)

Where's my dog?

Where's my Pooh Bear?

I'll tear this thing apart with my bare hands!

- (FIZZLING) - (SCREAMING)

Oh, ha-ha! Ow! (GASPS)

This thing is wired.

All right, get in there!

What's going on, Curt?

Same old shit.

I caught them boozing it up in the park.

We're just walking through the park on the way to the dorm.

We had a bottle of wine.

Yeah. It's a beautiful night.

We were walking around. We didn't do nothing.

You guys go to the college, right?

Yeah. Yeah, right.

So why don't you just stay there and do your drinking on campus?

Why do you have to come into town?

Well, I mean, we live in this town, too.

I mean, we don't have to just stay on campus.

Yeah...

and it's scum like you that are killing this town.

Come on, Curt! Curt!

Come on, come on, Curt. Now, just take it easy.

What's the matter, Dave?

You got a thing for these little boys? Empty your pockets!

We just had a little wine. What's the problem?

You're the problem, you little shit!

Just lighten up, Mooney. Just lighten up.

Back off, Dave.

Open container, public intoxication,

littering, disturbing the peace, resisting arrest...

These kids are history.

Unless you want to rewrite the laws, Mr. Police Academy.

Look. You got this problem with my training, I don't care,

but when you bring someone into the station,

I don't want to see you beating them up.

Now, if you're going to book them, do it according to procedure,

or I swear, Curt, you and that badge of yours will be history.

I'll tell you what's going to be history, Dave.

These kids.

Now, get in there.

Get in there!

Shit.

Yeah, it looks like we're going to have to walk from here.

- (GRUNTS) - (LAUGHS)

Let's see.

If instinct serve Chief correct...

- Uh-huh. - Path lie...

that way.

We must travel many moons...

many, many moons.

Many...

many...

Enough already with the moons.

Lead the way, Chief Running-at-the-mouth.

Holy shit.

That was no shooting star. Looks like a...

Circus tent.

What's a circus tent doing all the way out here?

It's a pretty lousy location for a show.

Something's wrong. This doesn't feel right.

Weren't we looking for the shooting star?

Come on, this looks neat. Let's check this out.

No, let's go. I've seen enough.

Oh, come on, Deb.