Parks and Recreation

- OKAY, EVERYBODY, LATEST POLL IS

NEWPORT, 40%, LESLIE, 32%,

WITH EVERYONE ELSE WAY BACK.

NOW THIS DEBATE IS OUR BEST CHANCE TO CLOSE THAT GAP.

CHRIS, ANN, AND TOM, YOU GUYS WILL BE TALKING TO REPORTERS,

PROVIDING FACTS, GENERAL SPIN.

- SPIN TEAM! - SPIN TEAM!

- THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE JOB FOR ME.

I CAN LITERALLY MAKE ANYTHING SOUND POSITIVE.

YOUR HOUSE JUST BURNED DOWN,

AND YOU LOST ALL YOUR MONEY IN THE STOCK MARKET.

IT'S A CHANCE TO START OVER.

FIRE IS CLEANSING, AND TRUE WEALTH

IS MEASURED BY THE AMOUNT OF LOVE IN YOUR LIFE.

IF I HAD TO HAVE ANYBODY TELL ME THAT I HAD CANCER,

I WOULD WANT IT TO BE ME.

- RON, APRIL, AND ANDY, YOU'LL BE THROWING

A PARTY FOR OUR BIGGEST DONORS.

- OOH, I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR HOUSE

IS GOING TO BE FULL OF RICH PEOPLE

NAMED DOTTIE AND TODD AND RICK.

IS THE MENU ALL SET?

- YES, I WILL BE PROVIDING SEVERAL SLABS

OF MY WORLD-FAMOUS SWANSON RIBS.

- AND I WILL BE PROVIDING MY WORLD-FAMOUS $100 LAP DANCES.

- SWEET! - NO.

OKAY.

THE ELECTION IS IN TWO WEEKS.

THE DEBATE IS IN NINE HOURS.

LET'S GET TO WORK.

*

WOW.

CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE DOING THIS HERE.

SEATS, LIKE, 800 PEOPLE.

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOUR OPPONENT'S

THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN TOWN.

- THIS IS A LOT BIGGER THAN MY HIGH SCHOOL DEBATE AUDITORIUM.

4 FEET.

EXACT SAME SIZE AS THE PODIUM YOU USE

IN THE PARKS DEPARTMENT.

OPENING STATEMENT.

I AM LESLIE KNOPE.

I LOVE THIS TOWN,

AND I'VE WORKED MY WHOLE LIFE TO MAKE IT GREAT.

I BELIEVE THAT I'VE EARNED YOUR VOTE.

BOBBY NEWPORT BELIEVES HE CAN BUY IT.

- YOU GOT THIS. - I GOT THIS.

- YOU COULD DEBATE NEWPORT IN YOUR SLEEP.

I HAVE.

- I KNOW. WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED.

IT'S BEEN HELL.

- I FINALLY GET A CHANCE TO STAND

IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND TALK ABOUT THE TOWN THAT I LOVE.

WHAT IF THE TOWN LOVES BOBBY MORE THAN ME?

- THERE'S NO WAY. YOU'RE GOING TO DESTROY HIM.

- I'M GOING TO WIPE THE FLOOR WITH HIS FACE.

- YOU'RE GOING TO RIP OUT HIS SPINE WITH YOUR TEETH

AND THEN CHEW IT UP AND GARGLE WITH IT.

- I LOVE IT WHEN YOU'RE NEEDLESSLY DISGUSTING.

- I'M TRYING TO CLEAN UP FOR THE PARTY,

BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, MY ARMS CAN'T MOVE THAT WAY.

- LEAVE IT MESSY. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

NOTHING MATTERS. LIFE IS GARBAGE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

- ANN BROKE UP WITH ME. FOR REALS THIS TIME.

AND ALL I DID WAS CALL INTO THIS RADIO STATION

AND GIVE HER A SWEET LITTLE SHOUT-OUT.

SO WE'RE UP IN THE CLUB.

IT'S ME! WE'RE DANCING.

WE'RE SWEATING.

LET'S JUST SAY WE GOT TO SECOND THAT NIGHT.

ME SO HORNY.

- THIS CHICK'S NAME IS ANN PERKINS.

LOOK HER UP ON THE GOVERNMENT WEBSITE.

SHE IS CRAZY HOT. ISN'T THAT GREAT?

COME HERE. AAH!

I COMPLIMENTED YOU.

I GUESS SHE'S JUST AFRAID OF HOW POWERFUL HER FEELINGS ARE.

- DUDE, THAT'S NOT WHY SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU.

YOU HAVE TO STOP YOUR STUPID SWAGGER

AND JUST TELL HER IN A NORMAL VOICE THAT YOU CARE ABOUT HER.

- WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THINGS.

- YES, I DO, I CARE ABOUT...

ANDY... AND CHAMPION.

AND I WANT LESLIE TO WIN, AND I LIKE SLEEPING.

SO EVERYBODY HAS THINGS THEY CARE ABOUT.

IF ANN IS YOURS, YOU NEED TO TELL HER.

- OKAY, CHRIS, HYPOTHETICAL CRISIS.

LESLIE JUST TRIED TO ANSWER A QUESTION

AND AUDIBLY FARTED THEN THREW UP. SPIN.

- LESLIE KNOPE IS LITERALLY OVERFLOWING

WITH IDEAS FOR THIS TOWN.

AND SPEAKING OF METHANE, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HER PLAN

TO LIMIT GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS?

- WOW. - NICE.

- SPIN TEAM! - SPIN TEAM!

- ANN AND I MAKE SUCH A GREAT TEAM.

IT'S SILLY THAT WE'RE NOT A TEAM IN REAL LIFE.

I JUST HEARD THOSE WORDS COME OUT OF MY MOUTH,

AND I HAVE MADE A DECISION.

I'VE HEARD THAT YOU AND TOM HAVERFORD

ARE NO LONGER ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED.

IS THAT TRUE?

YES, WE BROKE UP.

AND I HONESTLY CAN'T BELIEVE WE EVER DATED.

DOES DEFY LOGIC.

OKAY, I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU.

STRONG FEELINGS.

EMOTIONAL, PRIMAL FEELINGS.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE OUR RELATIONSHIP ANOTHER TRY.

- CHRIS, WE DATED FOR, LIKE, THREE MONTHS A YEAR AGO.

I HONESTLY THINK THAT YOU'VE BUILT THIS

INTO SOMETHING THAT IT WASN'T.

AND ACCORDING TO YOUR RULE,

WE CAN'T DATE BECAUSE YOU'RE MY BOSS.

MAYBE NOT FOR LONG.

IF NEWPORT WINS, THE CITY COUNCIL MAY REPLACE ME.

BUT IT WOULD OPEN IT UP FOR US TO BE TOGETHER.

WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?

DON'T ANSWER. JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

COME ON. LET'S SPIN.

- SO YOU DO A LOT OF INVESTING?

- WE LIKE TO DABBLE. - MM-HMM.

I RECENTLY INVESTED

IN SOME SHIRTS I GOT AT A GARAGE SALE.

LEFT THOSE AT WENDY'S ON THE WAY HOME.

SO...

THE ECONOMY.

HELLO.

YOU ARE HERE

BECAUSE YOU GAVE US MONEY.

NOW WE WILL GIVE YOU RIBS.

ALSO YOU WILL WATCH THE DEBATE.

IF YOU LIKE THE DEBATE, YOU'LL GIVE US MORE MONEY.

THAT IS ALL. RON SWANSON.

- UH-OH. SOMEBODY FORGOT TO PAY THE CABLE BILL.

AM I RIGHT?

IT WAS ME.

DO IT.

FIERCE. POWER.

PUMP IT UP. 2012.

[Sarah McLachlan's I Will Remember You]

NOTHING GETS ME MORE AMPED THAN SARAH MCLACHLAN.

OPENING STATEMENT.

- I AM LESLIE KNOPE. I LOVE THIS TOWN.

I'VE WORKED MY WHOLE LIFE TO MAKE IT GREAT.

I BELIEVE I'VE EARNED YOUR VOTE.

BOBBY NEWPORT BELIEVES HE CAN BUY IT.

I HAVE THE BEST CAMPAIGN MANAGER IN THE WORLD.

- I WOULDN'T SAY THAT. JEN'S A KILLER.

YOU CAN BEAT NEWPORT. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BEAT HER.

HERE'S WHAT I KNOW.

I LOVE YOU, AND I LIKE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU, AND I LIKE YOU.

* AND THE HOME OF THE

* BRAVE

- YOUR BOY LOOKS A LITTLE LOST OUT THERE.

OH, HE'LL BE FINE.

EXPECTATIONS ARE CRAZY LOW.

IF HE PUTS TWO SENTENCES TOGETHER

WITHOUT CRYING, THE PRESS IS GOING TO SAY

HE'S DOING SURPRISINGLY WELL, AND IF HE FALLS TO PIECES,

HE'S GOING TO LOOK SYMPATHETIC. IT'S A WIN-WIN.

SO DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG THIS IS GOING TO TAKE?

- GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO THE EVENT

WE ARE DOING TONIGHT, WHICH IS A CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE DEBATE

THAT WE'RE GOING TO START NOW. I'M PERD HAPLEY.

- AND I AM LEGENDARY NEWSWOMAN JOAN CALLAMEZZO, NEWLY SINGLE.

IT'S TIME FOR OPENING STATEMENTS.

I AM FESTER TRIM.

MANY OF YOU KNOW ME AS THE MAN WHO SELLS YOU YOUR GUNS

AT THE GUN-BELIEVABLE GUN EMPORIUM.

WHOO!

- I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY IDEA

FOR ASSAULT RIFLE VENDING MACHINES.

- YOU MIGHT BE THINKING, "WHAT DOES AN ADULT FILM STAR

KNOW ABOUT POLITICS?"

WELL, I'VE PRODUCED AND STARRED IN

OVER 400 ADULT FILMS THIS YEAR ALONE.

- WHOO! - THANK YOU.

AND JUST LIKE LESLIE, I KNOW

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE THE ONLY WOMAN IN A ROOM FULL OF MEN.

I AM MANRICO DELLA ROSSA.

I BELIEVE ANIMALS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS PEOPLE.

AND IF ELECTED, I WILL FIGHT FOR THEM

AS IF THEY ARE MY OWN CHILDREN.

I AM LESLIE KNOPE.

I LOVE THIS TOWN,

AND I'VE WORKED MY WHOLE LIFE TO MAKE IT GREAT.

I BELIEVE THAT I'VE EARNED YOUR VOTE.

BOBBY NEWPORT BELIEVES HE CAN BUY IT.

AND MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S NEVER EARNED ANYTHING

HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

- THAT--THAT HURT MY FEELINGS. HURT MY FEELINGS.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THIS POSITIVE PERSON.

CAN'T WE JUST TALK ABOUT THINGS WE LIKE?

WELL SAID.

UH, JUST A REMINDER TO OUR CANDIDATES

TO KEEP IT CIVIL.

LOOKING AT YOU, LESLIE.