Sightseers

Mum? Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

Mum? Mum?

Mum?

You all right?

I was just thinking about Poppy.

She was me only friend.

Aw, Mum. I'm your friend.

You're not a friend. You're just a relative.

I'm 34 years old!

And I've found someone who likes me, and I like him,

and I'm going on holiday with him.

You're running away

from your... guilt!

Don't do that with Poppy's lead, Mum.

You've always had lovely hair, Tina.

It is quite thick, isn't it?

Yes.

I've always admired your hair being thick, because mine's so thin.

I think you might have a few split ends. Better watch that.

- Any more bags you want taking? - Well,

- I might want a couple more towels. - No, not in there.

You didn't tell me your mum was an artist.

What?

Look at these.

Chris, don't go in there.

Why not? - Come out. Chris.

What's going on?

I'm just admiring your artwork, Carol. It's fantastic.

I don't want anyone in my room.

Chris was just saying how talented he thinks you are, Mum.

It's my private sanctum. I don't want anybody looking.

Well, no one's looking in your sanctum, Mum.

So I'll just... Shall I leave you, then, to look at your brushes?

I'll just sit for a few minutes, yes.

- Okay. - I could do with a cup of tea.

- I'll get you one, Mum. - That'd be nice.

- I'm shutting the door now. - That's okay.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay, Mum, bye.

Bye.

- All right? - Yeah.

Good.

- I've always wanted a boy in my bed. - Come on.

- Have you? - Yeah. I was never allowed.

I've always wanted to be in this bed.

- This is Jonty. - Oh, he's putting me off.

- I like this room. - Do you?

- Mmm. - I hate it.

Why?

Well, I like the bits.

Makes me think of you when you were a kid.

At the same time, if it was all destroyed, I'd be quite happy.

So what were you like when you were a little kid, then?

- Unhappy. - You didn't like school?

I know, nor me.

What were you like at school, Chris?

I wasn't like anything. I was, like, invisible.

What about you being ginger?

Weli, that's a problem, yeah.

That's not invisible, is it?

No, but I wanted to be.

Oh, I don't think it's safe going off with him.

It is safe!

I know about all kinds of people who've had very bad experiences in caravans.

Like who?

Well, Louise.

She fell out of it, didn't she?

Oh, I don't know. I mean, you've gone far too fast with him far too soon.

You hardly know him.

You look like you... you don't trust him.

I don't.

Just let him get on with it.

Well, I'd like to know what he's getting on with.

- Well, he's packing. - How much of our stuff has he got?

Mum, he hasn't got any of your stuff. Don't be silly.

- All right, uh, toothbrush? - Yeah.

- And a sponge? - Yeah.

- Umbrella? - Yes.

- Uh, wash bag? - Yes.

- What's that? What's that? - Potpourri.

And what are you bringing that for? We don't need potpourri.

I don't think I could cope without potpourri, Chris.

You're gonna have a woman's touch on this holiday, Chris.

Yeah, that's what I'm hoping.

Oh, Chris. Don't look at my bum.

- I'm not looking at your bum. - You are.

Just son' of loomed into my vision.

Milady.

- Bye, Mum. - You'll be back.

I will, Mum, in a week.

Okay, well, we'll see you then, Carol.

I'll bring her back safe, don't you worry.

Hey, I understand you collect snow globes.

I don't like you.

Okay, well, see you, then.

Show me your world, Chris.

Well, I thought we'd start with Crich Tram Museum.

- Great. - Murderer.

It was an accident, Mum.

So were you.

Don't listen to her.

Ii For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

That's, uh, 32.99.

- Extra strong. - How can you?

Ah, sharpens the mind.

Poppy loved mints.

- They gave her the runs. - Mint me.

Hold tight, please.

So, ladies and gentlemen, this is, um,

one of about 1,200 tram cars of this type, of type E1,

built, um, by London County Council

from about 1912 onwards.

Out of those 1,200 trams, only two have survived.

You know, mobility, the key to personal opportunity.

It's why I favour the Abbey Oxford as a caravan.

So I'm the captain of me own fate.

Excuse me, you dropped your wrapper.

Your wrapper.

I said, you dropped your wrapper.

You see that? Do you see that?

You just don't expect to see that, do you?

No. He was a pig, Chris.

He was a pig in clothes. I don't want this to ruin our holiday.

You expect that of a kid who doesn't know any better.

But that's a bloody grown man.

He must be, what, 35, something like that?

- Yeah, you don't expect it. - Behaving like that in front of...

- He's setting an example to kids... - I know, it's terrible.

And we're in a place where there's... It's a bloody heritage place.

- I know. Shh. I know. - I just cannot...

Maybe you'll feel better if you have a scone.

- No. No. - Do you want a scone?

No! They've not been preserved for hundreds of years

- so that wankers like that... - Shh. Shh.

...can use them like a bloody toilet!

Tina Read to the Visitor Information Centre.

Stop telling me to shush. It's putting me on edge.

Miss Tina Read, your mother's on the phone.

I'm gonna have to go and see what's wrong.

Yeah.

Wait here, won't you?

I'm not gonna be able to enjoy the museum if you're in this state.

I'll have to come home, then.

Chris is up there, he's looking at me. I don't...

Well, no! I'm gonna have...

Well, I'm gonna have to come back, Mum, 'cause I can't leave you in this state.

Hey, what's up? Oh, come on, what's up?

Hey. What's happened?

- What'd she say? We have to go home.

Why? What, because of her?

Blue John mines tomorrow. Pencil Museum.

I know how much you wanted to see that.

Got some vouchers as well. Two-for-one restaurant deal.

They expire in a week. It's now or never.

He just stepped out, Chris, and it wasn't your fault.

Maybe you're right.

I just feel so devastated for his family, you know?

- Maybe your mother was right. - About what?

About everything!

About everything.

- Chris... - He's ruined the Tram Museum for me now.

Mint me.

What?

You heard me. Mint me.

"Dear Mum, I'm not coming home."

"Yorkshire is lovely. Not like you said at all."

"They can smile, and they do sell my pasta sauce."

"The caravan bed is quite short, but Chris is a sensitive lover."

"Hope you can be happy for me. Love, Tina."

Right, well, they've only got two spots left.

One by the Dingley Dell and one by the bogs.

Um, he's going for Dingley Dell.

Chris, I want Dingley Dell.

I'm gonna get this bloody Dingley Dell.

- Can't we go around it? - Just hold on, I'm gonna do it.

- Go around them. Go around. - We'll make it.

- Go that way. - I will, just wait there, wait...

- Just go around it. - Okay! Hold on.

Oh, Chris! Don't look at them, Chris.

Oh, I just...

Fuck you!

I am the best. Get in.

- Now, see that? - Yes.

Plug that into that little hole over there. Right?

Why?

You don't need to know why. Just do it.

- Okay? - The little hole.

The little hole.

Turn it round so that fits in that little bit there.

- That hole... - No, I wanna do it.

- Okay. - This is a ridiculous plug, this.

Never seen anything like it.

There we go.

- I did it. - Brilliant.

I'll just sort that out.

Chris?