The Conners

We've got a lot more broken ornaments than usual.

I guess you're gonna blame my kid for that.

Uh, Becky, what does she call these?

Baseballs?

Don't you worry. I got us covered.

In the summer? Fishing lures.

In December? Christmas ornaments.

Guess what? This year, we don't have to dodge cars

or run onto the highway median to cut down a tree.

I got us one already. It's a beauty!

Becky, come give me a hand.

Oh, no dodging cars, huh?

I'm gonna miss looking at our tree

and thinking how lucky we are to be alive.

It's a beer can Christmas tree.

Just when you think our trash can't get any whiter.

One of the liquor distributors at The Lunch Box

gave it to us as a promotional item.

It was either this or "Rudolph the Rum-Nosed Reindeer".

Lights the way with his nose, but he shouldn't be on the road.

Nice tree.

When most people are worried

about Christmas becoming too commercial,

the Conners are going the other way.

Crap. Did we have plans for today?

'Cause I can ditch these people in a hot minute.

No, no. I-I just came by to tell you

that I had a really great time last night.

I also brought breakfast for everybody.

For everybody? I assume you mean it's not vegan.

Oh.

An in-person thank you and breakfast?

Well, somebody gave it up quick.

Uh, relax, you old horn dog. Nobody gave anything up.

It was just a nice night at the theater.

We've been going out a couple weeks,

and I thought it was time for it to be my turn to treat,

so I got us a couple tickets

to Lanford High's production of "Hamilton."

Ha! What kind of cheap-ass places

did you take her to to deserve that?

I-I loved it, especially when a rubber band

shot off of Hamilton's braces and into Aaron Burr's eye.

It really made the duel about something.

I'm just impressed that Nick

came all the way over here to thank you.

Actually, I-I came over 'cause I don't have a cellphone.

Dropped it in the crapper, huh?

Happens to the best of us.

You just gotta glove up and go fishing.

Uh, no.

Nick gave up his phone a while ago.

He was a stockbroker, and the phone represented stress 24/7.

Yeah, phones suck all of your energy.

They keep you from living your life in the present.

I have no energy and no life,

so it's really not a problem for me.

So, Nick, you don't have a phone.

That's really interesting.

How do people get in touch with you?

They leave me messages at the bookstore.

So, what, you're just anti-technology?

No. Not at all. I have an electric car.

Ha. In case you haven't heard,

they got ones that run on gas now.

I guess it's gonna be up to us old-timers

to finish putting that hole in the ozone by ourselves.

Well, it'll give you something to do

until the melanoma gets ya.

Anyway, I gotta get going.

Uh, hey, why don't you, uh, swing by

after you're done with work and say hi? Sure.

Hey, how about she drives all the way over there

and she can hand you an emoji

that lets you know how she's feeling?

So, Nick doesn't have a phone.

How very convenient.

Don't start. I'm not.

I'm just wondering if he's really trying to avoid stress

or he just doesn't want you to know where he is.

Sure, i-it's a little weird, and -- and, yeah,

maybe it's been kind of inconvenient,

but when we're together, he's totally present.

What if he's also present with his other girlfriend

or girlfriends or wife?

Guy's got an electric car.

Obviously, he's looking for action.

I have no idea what that means.

Dad, you're a good judge of character.

You don't think anything's going on, right?

I-I like the guy, but he's not living in a commune.

He's got a job. He's got a kid.

Emergencies come up. I don't get it.

Okay, so I'm dating a guy with a secret family,

but I'm getting to the age where guys are gonna have baggage.

Darlene.

Okay, fine. I-It bugs me. I-I'll talk to him.

Or you sit in your car outside of his house,

one house down, but on the other side of the street.

Leave your rain lights on, and don't forget to bring a pee jar.

'Cause those motion-sensor lights outside people's garages,

they will light you up

like Liza Minnelli taking a leak on Broadway.

- Captions by VITAC --

Make sure you get everything out of these drawers.

I don't want to accidentally give away something of value

at the garage sale.

I found 11 cents and a candy bar wrapper.

You want me to put this in the safe?

I still don't get why Louise is making you

get rid of this bedroom set.

I mean, it's old, but it looks fine to me.

I don't want to get rid of it, either.

I'd rather just use Louise's furniture and save this stuff,

but she wants new stuff that's ours.

Hey, start off making her happy.

Then you've got someplace to go.

Sure. The problem is,

I gotta pay for it 'cause she paid for the wedding.

I don't have the money, so I gotta sell all this stuff,

and it's too bad 'cause...

they don't make furniture like this anymore.

You mean by savaging old-growth forests

and pouring the excess varnish into our drinking water?

It was a different time,

and you don't remember what water used to taste like anyway.

This was the first new furniture your mom and dad ever bought.

Yeah, before this, it was lawn chairs in the living room

and a phone company spool for a table.

That's when we were just starting out

and I wasn't the mogul I am now.

But your mom saw a picture of this set

in a Montgomery Ward's catalogue.

Boy, did she fall in love with it.

A catalogue?

It must've taken a while for the stagecoach to deliver it

from Californee.

You know, this mattress is still in pretty good shape.

Any of you guys want it?

Rock, paper, scissors.

Loser gets the mattress

we were conceived on and Mom died on.

Ew. I don't want a humpy-ghosty mattress!

Well, we shouldn't waste it.

Oh, I'll give it to Neville.

He's treating a cow with weeping shingles

that needs something soft to lie on.

Harris, why are you stealing food?

Well, Mom didn't pack me a lunch when she kicked me out,

so I'm grabbing a meal.

I thought you were living with your boyfriend now.

I was, but...

his kids have been getting into some trouble recently,

so I'm giving them space for a couple months.

Don't tell Mom.

What? Where are you staying?

I'm staying on a friend's couch right now.

Not really a-a friend, a stranger

who rents their couch out on Craigslist.

It's basically free. I just have to call her "Grandma."

Harris!

It's safe. I'm fine.

Speaking of couches, who's the rando on ours?

Oh, that's Isabella.

She had a baby and dropped out of school.

She's one of the girls I'm mentoring to help get their GED.

And they get fed, too?

Does one have to get knocked up to get in on this action?

Well, it helps.

But if you really want your application to stand out,

join a gang or stab your pimp.

I brought you a soda and a bologna sandwich

in case you're hungry.

You're not supposed to eat lunch meat when you're nursing.

Well, that explains my brother.

Thank you for not bailing today.

I know you have a lot on your plate,

but this is important, too.

It's fine. I want my GED. Let's just do this.

Did you do the reading?

Yes. Okay.

Instead of going on to the next chapter, like we usually do,

let's review this chapter and make sure you got it.

Okay?

Okay, so you read about the Suffragette Movement.

It's pretty cool when you think about it.

They empowered me, and now I'm empowering you.

What did you think?

Well, the stuff women were doing back then was mad empowering.

That's a nice summary of what I just said.

Give me a specific.

What did you think about, uh, Marie Antoinette's contribution

to the Nineteenth Amendment?

It couldn't have happened without her.

Okay, you missed by 150 years and a continent.

You did this last week, too.

You're a smart person,

and I can't help you unless you do the reading.

I'm trying, but it's hard.

I'm distracted at home,