Top Gear

In tonight's Top Gear,

evidence that the French have gone mad,

evidence that the Germans have gone mad,

and as an oasis of sanity, the grannies are back.

But first, look at our set!

We've got cushions, we've got flowers, we've got chocolates,

I've got some breath freshener.

And that's because the star we have tonight

in our reasonably-priced car may look like a boy,

but he is, in fact, called Tara.

And that, I suppose, makes him a girl.

But this is still a car programme, so the cars.

The Honda NSX, not a spectacular success story.

It may well have been developed by Ayrton Senna,

but last year, they sold 8.

So they've given it a facelift,

well, a new set of headlamps anyway,

and produced this Type-R version, which is lighter and stiffer.

And they're currently trying to decide

whether or not they should sell it in Britain.

So they rang us up and they said,

"Your Stig, if we ship one of these over from Japan,"

"could he take it out on your track and do a lap in it?"

Said no, he prefers listening.

Oh, a lap? Oh wait, a lap!

Yes! Happy to oblige.

I doubt very much it'll break the record

set by the Westfield, 1 minute 23 seconds.

It may be light, but it's not that light.

And the engine may have clever valves,

but it's still only a 3.2L V6.

And, of course, look at that weather. That's atrocious.

That's very sideways, well he's nearly off the track there.

The only way this car really stands a chance is that

its chassis is some kind of wonder thing.

Ooh, and look at that!

It's a nice piece of driving though, Stig.

The old NSX was very good most of the time,

but at the limit, it was as forgiving

as that guard who put Alec Guinness in a box.

That is fantastic, 1:33,

that makes it 2 seconds faster than a Ferrari 575,

and 3 seconds faster than the Aston Martin Vanquish.

That's fabulous.

And bear in mind, you know, the dry track there,

we think take 4 seconds off for a dry track, that's a quick car.

I mean, that was a very wet track,

and The Stig really was trying.

Oh, my word! Ooh!

God, it was a bit close to those tyres.

That's nearly as bad as the Aston Martin Vanquish crash!

One of these days, he's gonna kill himself,

and we're gonna need a new Stig.

Replacement Stig. Yeah.

Nevertheless, crash aside, it is a very very fast car.

There's the time to prove it.

So on the strength of that,

I think they should bring it into this country.

Sell it in Britain? Yeah.

Actually that's not what we're talking about tonight.

We don't care how fast cars go tonight,

we don't care what they look like.

What we care is whether they're cool or not.

I'll try to explain it.

Think of it like this, it's a bit like what not to wear.

And you are Trinny, and I am Susannah.

Takes some imagining, that, without..

Why are you laughing? I'm exactly like Susanna Constantine.

People are always mistaking me for her in the streets. Embarrassing.

The thing is, I don't think Trinny and Susannah would much care for the NSX.

It's very very clever,

but it's like one of those expensive amplifiers you buy for your hi-fi.

Clever, but a bit nerdy.

Now this, this is a much more a Trinny and Susannah car.

It's the new Renault Vel Satis, a completely weird-looking thing.

No getting away from that, especially round at the back.

But, beneath the, I have to say, quite cool exterior,

it's a 5-seater rival for the BMW 5-Series.

Prices start around 20,000 pounds for the two-litre version.

It's a car for businessmen,

so I thought it would be a good idea to take it

to the Epicentre of the executive hotel

in the crease-free business life style trouser -

Swindon.

This is the M4 Corridor,

lots of businessmen here going about their business in a business life fashion.

Look at him! Look at that.

Rushing off to a business meeting at Dyadyne Systems,

Marvellous.

Whatever the businessman wants from his car

while he's driving down the motorway

is gonna finded in the Vel Satis.

It's very quiet, it's very comfortable, very solid,

with all this wood everywhere, it's like driving along in Arthur Negus.

There's power, too.

In the outside lane, it'll dance with the best of them.

This version, with a 3.5L V6, will do 147 mph.

And here we are, Turnoff 15, the Gateway to Swindon.

And oh dear, on normal roads,

the soft ride means everything starts to fall apart.

Few miles of these, and I'll be fast asleep.

Except I wouldn't be,

because every time it runs over a pothole or a cat's eye,

or a groove in the road of some kind,

there's an almighty crash and a shudder.

And you wake up.

Very annoying.

It's capable of going fast in the same way that

Queen Victoria was capable of running.

It just doesn't seem to like it very much.

So, if you're late for a business meeting,

you better off using a pogo stick,

or going on your hands and knees.

The Vel Satis is like an avocado, funny skin and mostly soft,

but with a surprising rock-hard stone in the middle.

As a car, then, it isn't very good.

But will the styling compensate for that here,

at the safari park for the men in suits -

A Swindon business park?

I haven't had chance to explore yet,

but I know exactly what's gonna be here,

because it'll be the same as every other business park.

There will be a lot of smoked glass,

all the trees will be 4 feet high,

because they're the same age as the buildings.

The plants, well, they exist only in business parks,

you won't find them in any textbook.

There'll be a puddle, masquerading as a lake,

there will be a sort of central structure in the middle,

a focal point to give a sense of community.

And.. What else?

Speed bumps.

Hundreds, hundreds and hundreds of speed bumps.

They'll be everywhere.

More smoked glass, more smoked glass, more.

Ooh, there's a speed bump.

Here's a plant that will stump Titchmarsh,

he'd have no idea what that was, none at all.

And there's a very small puddle, which I bet they call the lake.

Now, all we need find now is the central structure.

Something to give me a sense of belonging here.

Oh, speed bump.

No, look! It's there! It's a windmill!

Speed bump.

A windmill!

Wow, I never would have thought..

..Thought it would be there. That's nice. That's very nice.

This car is completely stumped by speed bumps.

It has a truly hopeless ride.

But that is not its biggest problem.

Oh, this is. This is what the businessman want.

Conformity, a water fountain,

a normal secretary called Janet, and a normal desk.

He likes to blend.

How many businessmen have you ever seen in a lime green suit?

That means he wants a normal car

with a boot and a bonnet, and a roof in between,

not something that appears to have come from the mind of Jerry Anderson.

It's all very well matching the indentation in the fuel fillercap

to the indentations in the bumper,

and having credit card instead of a key.

And I'm sure people in trendy Bono glasses

will appreciate the zig-zagy rear end and the unusual nose.

Renault, however, should know that

British businessmen don't like wacky and radical.

This is Renault's old store centre in Swindon,

amazing, isn't it?

Amazing, and empty.

Today, no one wants it.

You know what? Go on.

I'm not a businessman, and I love the looks of this car.

So would you buy one?

N...no, 'cause it's a rubbish car.

But, actually, I know the best way to describe it.

You know Indian food, okay?

Not the stuff you get in Indian restaurants in England,

I'm talking about Indian food, okay?

It's not very good-quality meat,

so that's why it has that very powerful sauce on it.

And that's what this is.

Poor-quality meat, very powerful sauce on the top.

It's a sort of Renault Jalfrezi.

And the thing is, this isn't just

a one-off Ron Davis moment of madness, either.

It's across the range, because this is the new Megane.

And, from the front, yeah, it looks pretty conventional.

It's pretty conventional under the bonnet,

you can have a 1.4, 1.6, or a 2-litre petrol engine, or a 1.9L diesel.

Prices are conventional, too,

starting from 10,500 up to 15,500 pounds.

I have driven it, I'd love to be able to say

it was entirely conventional to drive,

but frankly, it struggles to get there. It's a bit poor.

But it has just been voted International Car of the Year,

and I can only imagine that it did that

because the judges forgot to look at the back.

They've gone completely berserk!

This is a Renault Double-Fault.

If you want berserk, then you wanna look at this, though.

This is the Renault Avantime.