Tales from the Crypt

TONIGHT'S TALE CONCERNS A MAN WITH VOID BALLS.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

PAR FOR THE CORPSE!

10 KILLION POINTS.

IS THIS FUN OR WHAT?

OH, HELLO, KIDDIES.

DON'T MIND ME IF I'M CARRION ON,

BUT I'VE REALLY GROAN TO LOVE THIS GAME.

I COULD GHOUL ALL NIGHT!

WHICH BRINGS TO MIND TONIGHT'S TERROR TALE.

IT'S ABOUT A COUPLE OF GAME PLAYERS

WHO ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU DON'T SLAY BY THE RULES.

I CALL IT...

OIL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.

OIL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL

BABY, YOU ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SEATBELT, RIGHT,

EVEN WHEN I'M NOT AROUND?

OHH! EVEN WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND.

YOU SURE? YOU NEVER FORGET?

IT'S JUST THAT I WORRY ABOUT YOU.

AND YOU EXERCISE, RIGHT, BABY?

YOU DO SOME SORT OF AEROBICS

3 TIMES A WEEK?

I DO ENOUGH. UHH!

BUT, BABY...

GINA, DARLING,

YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS!

I MEAN, HELL, WE PORKED ONCE.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE WE'RE ENGAGED OR SOMETHIN'.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.

WHAT IF YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK OR SOMETHIN'?

OH, I AM NOT GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK,

ALL RIGHT? I'M NOT.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU DRIVE ME TO IT.

OK, BUT HAVE YOU BEEN PLANNING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT?

DO YOU HAVE AN I.R.A.?

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON UP THERE?!

GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE!

HUH! TAKIN' A HIT OF THAT VOODOO JUICE

AND PRETENDING TO BE DEAD IS ONE THING,

BUT IF I HAD TO LISTEN TO THAT GOO-GOO TALK

FOR ONE MORE SECOND,

I WAS GONNA KICK IT FOR REAL!

20 Gs. THERE YOU GO, BUDDY BOY.

JUST LIKE CLOCKWORK. HA HA.

AND YOU, PUT A SOCK IN THAT LOVE TALK.

WHERE ARE HER FRIGGIN' CLOTHES?

I'M BURIED 6 FEET UNDER AND YOU'RE INTRODUCING

THE BEARDED CLAM TO THE ONE-EYED WORM?

SHOVE IT, LARRY. IT JUST SORT OF HAPPENED.

OK. I SEE.

IF YOU WANT TO GO ON PRETENDING

THAT THIS MORON WANTS YOUR TIRED ASS,

AND HE WANTS TO GO ON PRETENDING HE CAN JUST HUMP GRANDMA MOSES,

I DON'T CARE. BUT WHEN I'M IN THAT BOX,

YOU BETTER BE CONCENTRATED 100% ON DIGGING ME UP ASAP,

OR I'LL COME BACK FROM THE DEAD

AND I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND I'LL SHIT DOWN YOUR FUCKIN' THROAT!

YOU GOT THAT, YOU FLEA-BITTEN HOSE BAG?

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED,

BUT I JUST DON'T THINK THAT'S ANY WAY

TO TALK TO A LADY WHO GIVES GREAT HEAD.

OH, BABY. YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DRIVE INTO VEGAS

AND DO A LITTLE CELEBRATIN'?

UH-UH, BABY.

I GOT THIS MONEY EARMARKED

FOR A KICK-ASS MUTUAL FUND.

WHAT? COME ON, YOU'RE SHITTIN' ME, RIGHT?

I GOT ALL MY MONEY IN IT--

$82,000, EARNING 19% ON EVERY PENNY.

AND DON'T LET ANYBODY BULLSHIT YOU, BABY.

YOU GOTTA MAKE YOUR MONEY WORK FOR YA.

AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST ANOTHER PRETTY LITTLE THING

WITH BIG TITS AND BLUE EYES.

I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU MET ME

I WAS WORTH KILLING FOR.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THIS IS THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

BUT, UH, ARE YOU SURE YOU AIN'T INTERESTED

IN JUST AN ITSY BIT OF BLACKJACK?

VEGAS IS FOR CHUMPS.

I SAY WE GET RIGHT BACK TO WORK.

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

BACK TO WORK IT IS.

AND I KNOW A PLACE A FEW COUNTIES OVER

THAT SHOULD BE READY FOR BUSINESS.

SURE IS YOUR NIGHT.

AW, THANK YOU KINDLY, JO.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE AN ANGEL.

WHEN YOU GONNA SPREAD THEM WINGS, HONEY BUTT?

HEY! DIDN'T YOUR DADDY EVER TEACH YOU HOW TO RESPECT A LADY?

BEING HIS FATHER, I MIGHT TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT, DARLIN'.

I TAUGHT MY BOY GOOD.

AND I DON'T WANT PEOPLE THINKIN' OTHERWISE.

SO YOU JUST GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

AND WHEN YOU SHOW US A LADY,

WE'LL SHOW HER SOME RESPECT.

HE JUST WANTED TO GET A LITTLE TASTE!

WHOA. WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?

WELCOME, FRIEND.

SAME TO YOU, SKINNY.

ANOTHER ROUND FOR THE HOUSE

AND A BOTTLE OF JIM BEAM ON THE BAR FOR ME.

I'M BUYING, SO KEEP 'EM COMIN'.

YOU GOT IT.

HEY, NOW, PRETTY LADY.

SHOVE IT IN YOUR PANTS, HONEY.

THERE AIN'T NO CHANCE.

LESBIAN.

UMPH! HOH!

COME HERE!

I'M NO LESBIAN, HONEY.

I DON'T MUNCH CARPET AND I DON'T STRAP IT ON.

BUT I DO HATE MEN.

AND RIGHT NOW, I HATE 'EM IN A BIG WAY.

AHEM. AHEM.

WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?

UH--UH--UH--UH, GOING TO THE BATHROOM.

DOESN'T LOOK FULL TO ME, HONEY.

SIT DOWN.

WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THIS?

IF THE GUY WANTS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

LET HIM GO, BITCH.

THERE WE GO!

THAT'S THE WORD I HATE.

BITCH!

I SHOW A LITTLE AUTHORITY,

I STRESS MY WILL A LITTLE BIT,

AND I'M A BITCH.

MEN. YOU'RE ALL THE SAME.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE GUYS I WORK FOR.

THEY WANT ME TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT

AND DO A GOOD JOB.

AND AS LONG AS I DO IT LIKE A GOOD LITTLE GIRL,

THEY CAN SCREW ME ALL OVER AND TELL ME TO LIKE IT!

AND THEN WHEN THE DAY IS DONE,

THEY CAN STOP SCREWIN' ME

SO THEY CAN FUCK ME! WHOO!

WELL, I SAY SCREW THAT.

SCREW THEM. SCREW THE COMPANY.

UH, EXCUSE ME, PLEASE, MA'AM,

BUT JUST EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS

ARE YOU IN?

OIL, BUBBA.

BUBBA?

THE DISCOVERY AND DISTRIBUTION

OF BLACK CRUDE.

Bubba?

DAMN IT!

I KNEW I'D FIND YOU HERE.

YOU NEED TO GET ON THE PHONE

WITH LESTER AND MALCOLM, PRONTO!

HEH HA!

I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S DEEP,

BUT IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE WE'VE FOUND...

WHAT?

FOUND WHAT, JERRY?

OIL?

I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU IN PRIVATE, MS. STONE.

HE'S FOUND OIL, BOYS. HE HAS FOUND OIL.

OIL? VERY OBSERVANT.

YOU'RE SMARTER THAN YOU LOOK.

ON WHOSE PROPERTY?

MAYBE ONE OF THESE BRIGHT YOUNG MEN

HAS HIT THE JACKPOT?

WHO'S THE WINNER?

WHO'S THE LUCKY WINNER?

NOBODY.

THAT'S A LIE.

LOOK, UH...

I DON'T THINK THE COMPANY WOULD APPRECIATE

THIS BREACH OF CONFIDENTIALITY, MS. STONE.

FUCK 'EM JERRY. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.

WE'RE LEAVING.

I THINK THE LADY WANTS TO STAY.

WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE, JERRY?

WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO SELL OUT

THOSE BASTARDS AT BAY VISTA OIL?

LOOK, I JUST CAN'T DO THIS.

I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST-- IT'S JUST NOT THAT EASY.

WHY NOT? I GOT 5 GRAND.

I'LL GO BACK TO THE MOTEL AND GET IT.

5 GRAND FOR YOU TO HOLD BACK THAT REPORT

UNTIL WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT WITH THE LANDOWNERS.

$5,000 TO LOSE MY JOB?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE GOT $5,000.

I WANNA BE A PARTNER.

ME, TOO! THAT MAKES 15.

I CAN GIVE 5,000.

I GOT 5 MORE.

THAT'S $25,000, JERRY,

TO HOLD UP THAT REPORT.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OK. FOR $25,000,

I'LL HOLD BACK MY REPORT FOR ONE WEEK.

BUT I WANT THAT MONEY IN MY HANDS TONIGHT.