Friends

Joey, would you slow down?

They're not gonna be sold out of papers at 1:00 in the morning.

I'm excited. I've never gotten reviewed before.

You were so amazing as the king. I'm really impressed. I was.

But you know what?

You might wanna consider wearing underwear next time.

Because when you sat on your throne, you could kind of see your...

...royal subjects.

Here it is. Here it is.

"The only thing worse than the mindless adolescent direction...

...was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king."

Okay, look. That is one guy's opinion.

- All right? Pheebs, read yours. - Okay.

"The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction..."

Does anybody have one from a different paper?

Ross, read yours.

I don't want to.

Joey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about.

Maybe they do.

I've been doing this 10 years and I haven't gotten anywhere.

There's gotta be a reason.

Come on, man, you're just, uh, paying your dues.

No, no, no. It's too hard.

It's not worth it. I quit.

What? That's crazy.

Wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute.

I believe this will change your mind.

"In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..."

Continued on page 153.

"...sucking."

When I was little, I wanted to be a veterinarian.

But then I found out you have to put your hands into cows and stuff.

Hi.

Are you okay?

Yeah, just a tough day at work, you know?

Stegosaurus fell over, trapped a kid.

I know this jacket. This is Fun Bobby's jacket.

Where is he? What? He's here, isn't he?

- Maybe. - Don't toy with me.

- Geller! - Hey, Fun Bobby.

Whoa, hey. You been working out?

Not at all.

I love this guy.

I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister.

- You and me both. - So, what'd I miss? Come on.

Oh. We were trying to make Joey feel better.

- Hey, do you need me to pick you up? - No, I'm all right, man, really.

No, I'm picking you up.

Hey, no, seriously. I don't need you to...

- All right, it still works. - Okay.

Now, before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up?

I'm still gonna go.

- Okay, I'll see you later, babe. Ah.

Public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes.

Mm.

- See you. Bye.

Fun Bobby is so great.

Oh, isn't he?

I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he makes me feel so good.

And I've been feeling so lousy, you know, no job, no boyfriend.

Well, at least my cup is half full.

Half full of love.

And for our two-week anniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin.

Cabin of love.

We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys.

- Really? I only had two glasses. - I just had a glass.

- Two. - I had one glass.

I had about a mug full in this lovely...

..."I got boned at the Museum of Natural History" mug.

Okay, so that's, what? Two bottles.

And yet somehow we went through five?

Whoa.

Oh.

So what? So he drank a lot tonight.

Yeah, but, you know, now that I think about it...

...I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a drink in his hand.

Yeah. Ooh, ooh, yeah, you know?

Did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um:

"Okay, I was so wasted," or, "Oh, we were so bombed."

Or, um, "So I wake up and I'm in this Dumpster in Connecticut."

Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking?

Well, we just happen to go to a lot of places where you might drink.

I mean, how do you go to a wine-tasting without having a drink?

Or to a club, or to the...

...zoo.

Rach, does this have nonfat milk?

Um, I don't know, why don't you taste it?

Mm. No.

Oh, well, too late, you already had some.

What do you say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?

Um, cake.

Yeah, we're gonna... We're gonna get some cake.

You know, it seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.

I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask.

Bobby.

Yeah, okay.

Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know.

But, um, I'm kind of worried about you.

Okay, look, this isn't the first time somebody said something to me about this.

But, I don't know, I always made excuses, like "I'm just a social drinker."

Or "Hey, come on, it's Flag Day."

So, what are you saying now?

I guess I'm saying...

...I'll try and quit.

I kind of like that you worry about me.

So, what's going on?

I am gonna try and quit drinking.

Oh. Why?

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Guess who's back in show business.

Ooh, ooh. Lorne Greene?

No, Pheebs. You know why? Because he's dead.

Oh, no.

Okay, I guess this is gonna seem bittersweet now...

...but Joey, that's who.

Oh, yay! Really?

My agent just called me with an audition for Days of our Lives.

Kick ass.

We have to celebrate. We should do a soap opera theme.

Hey, yeah. We could all sleep together, and then one of us could get amnesia.

Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight.

Uh, well, actually, I'm already done. Ahem. But I kind of got plans.

You have other friends?

Yeah, I, uh... I have a date.

- What? - With a man?

What? What is so strange about me having a date?

What about Ross?

Are you still mad at him because he made that list about...?

No, no, I'm not mad at him.

I'm not really anything at him anymore.

- What are you talking about? - I don't know.

Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not.

But you guys came so close.

Oh, I know. I'm sorry, you guys. You're gonna have to get used to the fact...

...that I will not be dating Ross.

Here he is. Hi.

Guys, this is Russ.

Hi.

No, no, no. I'm not saying you're not talented. You're very talented.

It's just that with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left.

Oh, honey, give me a break, will you? Oh, oh. I'll talk to you later.

Well, there's my favorite client.

So tell me, darling, how was the audition?

Well, I think it went pretty well. I got a callback for Thursday.

Joey. Have you ever seen me ecstatic?

- No. - Well, here it is.

Okay. Uh, listen, there's something I want to talk to you about.

- The network casting lady... - Oh, isn't Lori a doll?

Yeah, yeah, she's great.

But I kind of got the feeling that she was sort of coming on to me.

And I definitely would get the part if I were to, you know...

- lf I would have sent the little general in. - Oh.

I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here...

...and we'll find out what's going on and straighten it out.

Yeah, hi. Lori, please.

Hi, darling.

So how about Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver?

Isn't he terrific?

Uh-huh.

Okay, doll, talk to you later.

Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.

What's the matter? Fun Bobby.

What? Isn't he sober?

Oh, he's sober all right.

Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.

Ah. Okay.

All right, here you go, sweetie.

Thanks. You wanna hear something funny?

Oh, God, yes.

There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

That is funny.

I needed to buy a hammer the other night...

...and I'm out walking around the neighborhood.

But apparently...

...there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

Uh, say, honey, don't you have to be at your interview?

Oh, yeah.

See you guys. Bye...

...ridiculously dull Bobby.

- Oh, my God. - He's not that bad.

Not that bad? Did you not hear the hammer story?

Okay, okay, don't get all squinky.

Maybe it was just the kind of story where you had to be there.

But I'm gonna be there.

For the rest of my life.

I can't break up with him. I made him quit drinking.

- He's dull because of me. - All right, don't say that.

He's probably always been dull. You just, you know...

...set it free.

- Hi. - Hey, Ross. Ah.

Hi, Russ.

I've just got two more tables to clean, and then we'll go, okay?

Okay. I'll just sit here and, uh...

...chat with your, uh...

...friend-type people.

Rachel? Um, hi.