Ugly Americans

Some people think they know it all.

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That they have all the answers.

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I don't know.

I... don't... know.

Then I shall feast upon your bones!

Quagle, are you threatening to eat people again?

That's your fourth infraction this month.

I'm so sorry, sir.

He's a diversity hire.

That'll be $6.75.

And zip up your vest.

This is a work environment.

Sorry, mister.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Splash!

What do you think about this one?

I think it's mine, and I wish you were wearing pants.

None of your pants fit.

Randall, what's with the grooming?

This really conflicts with your casual hobo look.

Can't do cas-hob tonight, dude.

I got into the night terrors' house.

Night terrors. Wha?

Isn't this the reality show where they throw...

a bunch of horny idiots into a house together...

just so people can watch them hook up and fight?

Vishnu has finally answered my prayers.

How did you get on this show anyway?

Audition tape.

I re-edited the video I made for my job interview at the bank.

Randall, they said it was impossible...

for someone with so much charisma...

to be an unstoppable man God.

How did you prove them wrong?

It's all about my four-part philosophy:

Strength fitness,

sex power,

dance aggression,

windsurfing.

Uh?

They're very lucky to have you.

Okay, everyone, we have a new member joining us today.

Quagle, would you like to introduce yourself?

If you wish to avoid demise,

you must conjure my name within three tries.

Oh, great.

He's pulling a rumpelstiltskin.

Your name is quagle.

Mark said it, like, five seconds ago.

You know, you might want...

to hold back on the riddles, friend.

I got a riddle for you, skim.

Who's got no opposable digits and gets laid every night?

This guy.

I have riddle too.

What tastes like terrible food?

It's my wife's cooking.

It really is not good.

It's really terrible.

Okay, why don't you guys take it outside.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Look, there must be something...

you have in common with everyone.

What do you do for fun?

The answer to this riddle posed...

is how I keep so indisposed.

Is the answer to that riddle, riddles?

Yeah.

Welcome, cast mates,

to the night terrors' house.

And here's your producer,

Clark dungaree.

Hey, there, superstars.

Are you ready to get real?

Oops.

I'm on fire.

Jose, it happened again.

Thank you!

Take this down.

Idea for show: Pants on fire.

Two kids, one fire extinguisher.

Who will the parents choose?

Remind me later.

Yes, it is I, Clark dungaree,

producer of night terrors...

and america's oldest hooker.

We vetted thousands of applications,

and you are the six most likely...

to make fools of yourselves on national television.

Mm-hmm.

Now, good reality tv is about the three "f"s:

Fighting, Ing, and fight-Ing.

So with that in mind,

I encourage you to drink up, bitches!

Oh! Ah!

I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Seriously, start drinking.

I guess we shouldn't be surprised...

he lives under a bridge.

Oh, I hope those aren't human.

Well, I don't understand.

Can't you afford a place with the pay from your job?

Wait a minute.

Do you sleep on a pile of uncashed paychecks?

Timminy, tomminy, tumminy, turr,

what pray tell is a paycheck, sir?

Enough with the riddles.

No, mark, I don't think he knows what money is.

Now, frame this shot for maximum bitchiness.

Oh, you smell like an Asian market.

All your toes look like big toes!

At least I have toes.

Hmm, galen, I think your pixie dust...

is giving me a contact high.

Oh, Randall, I love being alone with you.

Good, good, now, remember,

you are contractually obligated to get weird.

You think all those paychecks...

would have gotten him more space.

When the cable guy said he'd be here between 9:00 and 2:00,

I took him at his word.

Let's just cut out the middle man.

Bink.

Now you get all the channels for free,

and I do mean all the channels.

That's right. Explore your body.

Wait, I don't want to send him the wrong message.

I'm just showing him how the world really works.

Change the channel.

Tonight on night terrors...

I will stake you, bitch!

I totally have a crush on Randall,

but my dad would kill me if he found out he's not Jewish.

Oh, I've never actually seen Randall attack somebody before.

I better look into this.

Fine. I'll handle rain man over there.

Hey, buddy. How you feeling?

I've got a kiefer sutherland-grade hangover.

Did you see the show last night?

How did it look? How did I look?

It looked like you broke through a door...

to attack someone.

Yeah, they got my sauced up...

and then locked all the bathrooms.

What was I gonna do? Piss in the closet?

I mean, I did do that, but...

Why is society more obsessed with these heightened,

manufactured situations than they are with actual reality?

Because real life is stupid.

Why don't you come by the set today,

and I'll prove it to you.

I swear on the life of my future children,

Ethan and desiree,

you will never see me on that set.

I really shouldn't have told you about this.

Night terrors is my favorite series, mark,

right behind so you think you can disembowel.

Mark lilly.

Great. Sign here.

Initial here. Thumbprint here.

Secondary thumbprint here.

And if I could just...

Ow! Hey!

Very good, sir.

You guys are real, right?

Hello.

Wow, this is not as exciting...

as it is on television.

Camera 12! Camera 27!

Bathroom Cam!

Ah!

Camera 12! Camera 12!

Boring!

Cue jock jam!

All right.

Not sexy enough!

Cue sprinklers!

Oh, so wet in here.

Too sexy! Cue kitten "b" roll!

Too precious.

Cue leatherface!

Cue status quo!

And I was like, "don't talk to me like that."

Cut. Rewind that back.

Now zoom in.

Is that Sheila yawning on my set?

Bring him to me.

Hey, where's my dramatic sting?

Oops, sorry, sir.

It's too late. The moment's passed.

How dare you come onto my set...

and make a craven display of boredom!

I'm sorry.

I'm just here because my girlfriend is a fan.

I've been in this business for 20 years, mark.

If 400 series and 2 tons of weapons-grade cocaine...