It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

What if we let off some fireworks in here, huh?

Fireworks in the bar?

It's never been done before. Right?

That could be kind of good, right?

You'll burn the place to the ground.

But Charlie is right, though. Like, we have to have

- some kind of flair for this business meeting. - Yeah.

This guy's a huge potential investor.

He could give Paddy's tons of money.

I know, we need pageantry. We need, uh--.

Oh, dude, I just thought of something.

What if it's not a guy? What if it's a woman?

If-if it's a woman, I got flowers prepped for her.

Okay. -Oh.

And if it's a guy, I got a football ready for him.

- Nice. Okay, that's good. - No, well-- No.

Hold on. What if it's a guy who hates football

- but loves flowers? - Right, right, right.

- Or a woman who loves football but hates flowers? - Hates flowers.

Or a woman who was assigned

male gender at birth

- but has retained her traditional love of the game? - Yes.

Which she has the right to do.

- That is her right... -Of course, it's 2021... - That's fine. Yeah.

Here's the bottom line, you guys: It's 2021,

all bets are off, okay?

Uh, the chances of this person walking in...

And being your typical vanilla white guy are slim to none.

Hi. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, my-my name's Gary.

I'm here to speak to the owners of Paddy's Pub.

Uh-- Oh. -Oh, thank sweet Jesus.

- All right! -Gary. - This is a relief.

Gary.

It is so good to see you.

This I can wrap my head around.

Uh, Gary, we're gonna set up over here.

- All right. Yeah. - We'll take care of you.

We got together, we got you a little gift here,

a token of our appreciation, and, uh-- from the pub.

- Yeah, that's from us to you, so... - Yeah, from us to you. Uh...

Oh, uh, thank you.

All right. That's a relief.

All right, well, now that we all know that we see eye to eye,

let's talk about you giving us that PPP loan, huh?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Uh, there must be some confusion.

I'm not here to hand out PPP loans.

I'm here to collect on ones you already have.

Um, in fact, as I believe, it's three separate loans,

so I'll just need to know, uh, what you did with the money

and what the business has been up to for the past year.

Uh-huh. -Yep. -Oh.

Gary, we saw 2020 as a year to, um, well, I don't know,

capitalize on our many various interests.

- Yeah, we got a lot of 'em, you know? - Hey, when the world

- says slow, we say go. - That's right.

-Or strike. Or attack. -CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah. Well, see, normally,

we're running a thriving bar here, you know what I mean?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. But, uh, COVID forced us

to close our doors to the community, so...

- Yeah. -What were we gonna do? - We had to branch out.

- That's what we did. - So why don't we just, uh,

talk about the first loan, which is "Punch Incorporated"?

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah. That was, uh, that was Mac and I.

- So why don't we, uh...? Okay. - Yeah.

That's a cool name, isn't it?

- It's a very, uh, aggressive name. - It's very cool.

As an out-of-work bouncer, I was looking to pursue

my other interests that would be as intellectually stimulating

as choking out a jabroni and leaving him out in the street.

Like my longtime dream of becoming

an international country teen pop sensation.

Hold-hold on a second, wh-- All right, man, look,

the-the music is starting to come together.

I-I like the music, but I'm-I'm struggling with the lyrics.

- What's wrong with the lyrics? - It's the fly thing.

Well, horses have flies. That makes sense.

Yeah, but the lyric is, "Let me be your guy,

never mind them flies."

It feels like I'm asking her to forget the flies

that are surrounding me, not the horse.

- Th-Thighs? Where-- What? Why thighs? - Yeah. Yeah.

- Whose thighs? - Yeah, well, maybe he's got thick, grotesque thighs

- and he's embarrassed about 'em. - Look...

There's a bigger problem, man. Can I be honest with you?

I'm having trouble concentrating on any of this stuff,

- because I can't stop thinking about the election. - The election.

- The election. Yes. Oh, my God. - Yes. Ah--.

Yes. I-I was, like, right there with you.

I-I can't focus on any of our...

- The integrity of the election, right? Because I-I... - Yes. Yes.

- Our democracy is at stake. - Yeah.

I feel like things aren't going well with the election

- and-and we need to get involved. - Mm-hmm.

You know, we were concerned that our guy

wasn't gonna get a fair shot in the election.

Of course not, because he's an outsider

that brings a fresh perspective

to Washington. Right?

Right. -I mean, we-

not everybody likes him, but that's why we do.

Yeah, and we were really worried that the mainstream media

just wasn't taking him seriously.

It's like, do I want a bunch of eggheads

who spend all day learning about shit

influencing how I think about things? No.

No, no. Plus, you want a guy who's lived a little, right?

You want a guy who knows how to party.

And our guy knows how to party. Right?

Yeah. -Our guy parties.

Anyway, it was obvious that the integrity

of the election was at stake here.

So that's why we wanted to make sure

that things went smoothly at the polling place.

- Right. - Hence, we created Punch Incorporated.

So, we used the loan to buy tactical gear.

Oh. Look at this one, with the New York hat.

She got bussed in from that liberal hellscape?

All right, let's go find out.

- Let's talk to her. Excuse me, ma'am? - Ma'am?

Ma'am, yes. Hi. -Ma'am.

- Ma'am. - Are you, uh, registered to vote here?

Ma'am? -Are you from Philly?

- Huh? - Yeah, and we don't want to see

- any of that bogus fake I. D. Bullshit. - Yeah.

We're gonna ask you a series of Philly-related questions

- in no particular order. - Mm-hmm.

Why do we hate Chris Chelios?

Who is Uncle Eddie Savitz?

Who is a better athlete, Donovan McNabb or Rocky Balboa?

-Where is...? -Hey-- Whoa. Well, hold on a second.

I mean, that's too easy. McNabb, obviously.

- I... - Well, I don't think it's that obvious.

I mean, do you think Donovan McNabb

could go toe-to-toe with Ivan Drago for 15 rounds?

Uh, no, what I'm saying is that Rocky Balboa

is a fictional character, so this isn't even a conversation.

Are you-- Are you saying you want Sly Stallone

to be the starting QB for the Eagles next season?

- How do you think that's gonna go? - Well, what year is it?

Is it early 1980s? 'Cause the NFC East was not strong,

and I say that Sly takes us to the playoffs.

Sly Stallone is just a meatball actor.

Then why do we make statues to him?

We don't-- Okay, hold on a sec.

Wait, just... You're crazy.

Okay, the guy is five-foot-nine, okay, to start with--.

And by the way, that's a celebrity listing.

He's probably closer to five-foot-four.

So was Doug Flutie. You saying he's an actor?

- No, I'm say... - He's one of the greatest

football players that Canada ever produced.

So-so, I'm sorry, now you're comparing McNabb

to a teeny-tiny little man

who's, uh, named after a woodwind instrument?

- What are we even talking about, man? - Hey, what's up, Brian?

Good to see you again. -Brian.

What's going on? Y-You want us to, um...

You want us back at the hundred feet?

He wants us back at the hundred feet.

We're gonna be less effective back there, but...

The problem is, back there, we can't

- we can't keep a-- Yeah. - Okay. All right.

- We'll go back to the hundred. - Let's-let's-- We're gonna...

Hey, you want to go-- grab you a coffee?

- We got-- We'll grab him a coffee. - We'll grab you a coffee,

- and then we'll be back, but... - Thanks for keeping things safe.

- We'll stay a little bit further away. - We'll keep things safe.

Suffice to say, our arguing

did not help the situation.

Yeah, it turns out they had their own security there

to keep things safe, and they just kicked us right out.

Anyway, the point is,

the country was in turmoil, okay? Tensions were high,

so Mac and I decided to pivot to a less controversial approach.

Yeah, we went with gaining exposure

for our budding musical interests

as well as providing people with an opportunity

- to vote on another pressing matter. - Mm-hmm.

Pop your votes

right in that box there, folks.

- If you want them votes to count. - That's right.

Now, uh, let's, uh, let's take it one more time from the top

before Brian Security gets here.

- Yep. Let's do it. Here we go. - Yep.

Now, the labeling... in hindsight,

was a-a bit obtuse and created a-a great deal of confusion.

It kind of backed up the whole system.

Right. Yeah, there was a whole kerfuffle-

I don't know if you remember this-

about, like, what votes were supposed to be counted

and what votes aren't gonna be counted.

And are these legitimate votes, are these not legitimate votes?

What's this, what's that?

I mean, we put our boxes all over the damn place.

So, you know, we created a mess.

I'm sorry, let me, let me try to get this straight.

So you're saying that you might be partially responsible

for the voting count delays in the presidential election?

Uh, no, no, I'm saying we might have been entirely responsible,