Don't Hang Up

Yes?

- Hello? - Mrs. Kolbein?

What? Who is this?

This is the police, ma'am. You need to listen to me.

What... police?

Listen, who else is in the house? Are you alone?

My husband's out of town.

My... my, my daughter, she's... she's in her room.

Okay, good. You both need to stay right where you are.

- We have your house surrounded. - What?

If you move from your location you'll be putting your child in danger.

Keep your lights off.

Do not approach any windows, and stay where you are.

We need you out of our way so we can safely locate the suspect.

- What do you mean, suspect? - There is a man, possibly two.

- Oh, my God! - Inside your house.

- Oh, my God! My daughter! - I need you to stay where you are!

Listen! Listen to me! The best way to protect her is to work with us.

We'll keep her safe, but we need your help. Can you help us?

Yes.

And I want you to lock the door. And don't hang up!

I can't. There's no lock.

Do what you can to secure the room. Stay put and let us do our job.

We will keep your daughter safe.

Now, she's good.

She's secure. Do you hear anything?

Nothing. There's nothing.

- You're upstairs, right? - Yeah.

Everything's happening down in the basement.

If you can't hear anything, that means you're safe.

- Hold on. - Okay.

Ready to roll.

I heard something.

I can't hear anything.

We're going in.

- No shot! No shot! He has the kid! - No! No!

He's down! He's down! Shit, we need a medical for the girl now!

Mrs. Kolbein, do not leave that room. The second suspect is coming for you!

Mrs. Kolbein? Are you still there?

Mrs. Kolbein?

I have one last thing to tell you.

I'm very sorry to inform you...

...that you've been pranked, bitch!

Oh... fuck! Whoo!

- Yes! - Oh, so much blood!

- Wait a minute, you got her audio, right? - "I hope my little girl is okay!"

"No... no, I just wanna see my daughter."

Woo!

That is how we do it. Seriously, people.

All right, click me some likes and let's make this bitch go viral!

This is Prankmonkey 69... out!

What's up, pussies?

I think she actually believed us for a second.

What the fuck, man?

The bitches don't care.

He's still trying to get her dumb ass out the door.

So the camera's all set, I'm in Sam's bedroom. Yes.

Holy fuck, he's...

- What the fuck, Sam? - Babe, I'm sorry.

All right, Brady... I told him, he's a frickin' idiot.

Please, call me.

This is Prank Monkey 69, out!

Hello?

Hello?

Okay, I'm hanging up in about two seconds...

- Yes! I got you! - Shit!

- Got you! - Shit! You're such a dick, Brady!

Oh, yeah, and you are a giant pussy.

Okay? Which makes us a perfect match, get over here. Yeah, that's right, baby.

Oh! Show me what you got. Work with me, bitch!

- Man, stop. I'm not in the mood right now. - Oh, trouble in paradise, I see.

No, a little privacy. Please?

Shit, dude.

You and Peyton are like "done" done?

Apparently, it's complicated.

Which means I have no idea what's going on, and she won't talk to me.

That is a fucking bummer, bro. But look on the bright side.

Yeah, I'm listening. This should be genius.

All right. Your parents are out of town for the weekend.

You have the house to yourself and you are suddenly single.

- No, I'm not single. - And ready to mingle.

We need to get a party going up in here right now.

- What? - That's not gonna happen, man.

Besides, I have a history paper due Monday.

That's what Sunday nights and caffeine are for. All right, stop!

Let's go out. I know a place that doesn't card.

Not in the mood for that kinda scene right now. You're spilling the beer.

- Who gives a shit? Fine. Plan B. - I think you're up to plan C now.

I don't care what you call it, just trust me.

- This one's a winner. - Oh, yeah? Can't wait to hear it.

Okay, stay in, get wasted. Grab the beer.

Take the motherfucking beer.

And, uh... maybe make some prank calls? Agh!

- Honestly, if I don't finish this paper... - Then life will go on. Fuck it, man.

You really... you've got a serious case of I'm a pussy-itis right now.

And good time Brady is here with the cure.

All right, fine. One beer and a movie, all right, but I'm not doing prank calls.

- Last time we did that shit... - Was amaze-balls!

And when Prank Monkey gets here, you're gonna shut the fuck up.

Whoa, hold on! What happened to just you and me?

When you've Prank Monkey 69 in the house. Dude is a genius at this.

Dude, you cannot be inviting people over. If my parents...

Your parents are too busy banging each other in some cheap hotel room...

- ...to care what you're doing tonight. - Thanks. Thanks for the image, you sick fuck!

Do you think your mom blows your dad?

- She seems like a giver to me. - You are in for it!

- Oh, Mrs. Fuller! - Oh, your titties are so huge!

Besides, Prank Monkey probably won't even show.

- Little fucker hasn't texted me back all day. - Please do not be inviting anyone else.

And forget about making prank calls, that shit is absolutely not happening.

What's that guy's name across the street? The one whose dog craps on your lawn?

- No, dude, not on my street. - Dude, he deserves it.

Besides you need a reaction shot. You wanna see him freak out, right?

- It's Larry, but please... - Ju... ju...

Ginelle's Pizza, Peyton speaking. How can I help you?

- There's a lot of ways you can help me, honey. - Well, that may be, sir, but...

Asshole, not Ginelle's man, hang up!

- ...ends with taking your order. - I'm gonna need one large pepperoni...

...to 1357 Ashton Lane.

- Your name please? - Larry and, hey, you, uh...

...bring that pie over here yourself. Oh! I guarantee you a real big tip.

Yeah, 45 minutes.

- Yes! - Are you kidding?

- Relax, you have caller ID blocked. - You had to order from Peyton?

When she finds out it's a prank from across the street, she's gonna know it was me.

- Isn't it innocent until proven guilty? - I am guilty.

Then just do what I do, deny, deny, deny.

All right, all right, all right. Let's get this shit started.

Sir, this is Sergeant Whetherly from Highway Patrol.

Your number was listed as an emergency contact. Was your wife Brenda?

But last night was so much fun. Why are you pretending not to know me?

Is it the wife? Is she there? Let me talk to her.

There was a pile up on the 118. Multiple vehicles.

No, there must be a mistake. Brenda went to the movies.

- She was nowhere near the 118. - Obviously you're in shock.

I'm gonna pass you off to a grief councilor who can help you onto the next step.

- My condolences, sir. - Are you telling me she's dead?

That's right. I... I... I said cancer, um...

...dick cancer, in fact.

You do have a life insurance policy, right? Maybe that could be a silver lining?

What the hell are you talking about? I thought you were supposed to be a grief counselor?

I'm serious, man, you owe me for two keys of blow.

If I ain't got that cash tomorrow we're gonna have a serious problem here.

Well, my daughter is as sure as shit pregnant...

...and she says that you're the one that put that demon seed inside of her.

It couldn't be me I'm a virgin, I swear.

Oh, my God! Busted, you fucking liar, Thornton!

- I knew he didn't bang Christie. - Yeah!

Hang on, there's somebody at my door. She's here! Brenda's alive! She's okay.

Is that you, Brady Mannion? Oh, I'm gonna beat the shit out of you!

Asshole, you hear me or what?

Are you having fun?

A little bit, yeah, how about you?

Not yet, but I have a feeling that's about to change.

What you got, big plans tonight?

It's all one big joke to you, isn't it? These phone calls you make?

You must feel so powerful, sitting there on your couch...

...laughing at the embarrassment and pain you cause.

- Yeah, it's pretty funny, yeah. - Maybe it's time for someone like me...

...to come over there and wipe that smug grin off your face.

Okay. Well, uh, how about when you get here, you suck my dick!

I guess some people really don't like getting pranked.

Oh, dude, pizza time, come on!

You don't happen to have Larry's number, do you?

- Why? - Let's take this shit up a notch.

- What? Hello? - Hi-dee-ho there, neighbor. This is, uh...

...Brad Gunderson from over on Elm Street.

I'm with neighborhood watch, don't you know?

Okay, so I care why?

Well, we've had a bit of mischief in our happy hood lately.

Teenagers and the like pretending to be, uh... gas company workers...

...and even pizza delivery boys. They knock on the door and see if anyone's home...

...and if no one answers, they rob the place.

Well, holy shit. I got a pizza guy on my front porch right now.

- And you didn't order one? - Hell, no.

Oh, dear.

That's a pickle, for sure.

Uh, just stay calm and... uh, call the police.

I know how to take care of assholes like this, don't worry.

- Shit, is that Mosley? - What?

Dude, do you think Lar... what do you think Larry's gonna do?

- Hey! You wanna find out what... - Holy shit, dude, dude, he's got a bat!

Yes! Oh, my God!

- Take the pizza and stick it up your ass! - Oh, my God.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Get down!

Do you think he saw us?

Not sure.

I know you're in there, Fuller, come on! Fuller!

What?

Shit's not funny, Brady. The guy had a fucking bat.

- I was about to knock his old ass out! - Your skinny ass ain't gonna knock nobody out.

- Don't test me, man, I'm serious. - What are you gonna do?

You're such a dick, you know that? You're lucky I'm working.

Oh, he's working.

And my fucking asshole manager's docking my pay for these... so, great.

- Fuck that, we'll take it. - All right, cool.

Hey, how's Peyton tonight?

- Oh, come on, man, don't ask me. - I wanna know if she's doing all right.

She seems fine. We're really busy, man. I gotta roll.

Hey. Quit stressing, let's eat.