Tales from the Crypt

I TELL YOU, LADIES AND GERMS,

THAT GHOUL-FRIEND OF MINE

MAKES ME SO CRAZY.

SHE TOLD ME SHE THOUGHT SHE'D LOOK GOOD

IN SOMETHING LONG AND FLOWING

SO I THREW HER IN THE MISSISSIPPI.

AND HOW 'BOUT THAT ERNEST HEMINGWAY?

ALWAYS SHOOTING HIS MOUTH OFF.

HELLO? ANYBODY?

I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE, FOLKS.

I CAN HEAR YOU BLEEDING.

IS THIS ON?

HMM.

I KNOW WHAT THIS CROWD WANTS.

A LITTLE SLAY ON WORDS.

MAYBE A COUPLE OF NASTY FRIGHT GAGS?

GET A LIFE!

SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF TONIGHT'S NASTY NUGGET.

IT'S A LITTLE TALE ABOUT MARRIAGE,

OR IF YOU PREFER, ABOUT WIFE AND DEATH.

I CALL IT TWO FOR THE SHOW.

SO I GET UP, AND I SAY,

"HEY, SCREW MAKIN' A LOT OF

STUPID PRODUCT IMPROVEMENTS

THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING HERE?

I MEAN, WHY SPEND ALL THAT MONEY

WHEN FOR NOTHING, WE CAN FIND WAYS

TO SELL WHAT'S THERE TO ALL THOSE MARKETS

THAT NEVER THOUGHT OF BUYING OUR STUFF

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I MEAN, THAT IS BRILLIANT.

AND STILL, I'M CATCHING FLAK

FROM MORONS LIKE-- LIKE QUIMBY.

I MEAN, THIS DICKHEAD THINKS

THAT JUST BECAUSE HE WENT AND COMMISSIONED

SOME GODDAMN FEASIBILITIES STUDY

THAT EVERYONE SHOULD BACK OFF,

YOU KNOW? I MEAN,

LIKE THE WHOLE THING WAS HIS IDEA

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I MEAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?

SO, ANYWAY, I SAID TO QUIMBY, "LOOK, YOU ASSHOLE,

"I'M GONNA FIGHT YOU ON THIS.

"I'M GONNA FIGHT YOU ALL THE WAY

"TO THE GODDAMN BOARD OF DIRECTORS. IF I HAVE TO."

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?

HE SAID, "I DON'T CARE."

SO I SAID TO HIM, "OK, FINE, PAL.

"BE THAT WAY, 'CAUSE ONE OF THESE DAYS

"I'M GONNA BE A VICE PRESIDENT,

"AND WHEN THAT DAY COMES, I'M GONNA SQUASH YOU

LIKE THE INSECT THAT YOU ARE."

MMM. THIS IS REALLY GOOD.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON HIS FACE.

AND THEN--OH,

OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

THERE'S A BIG COCKTAIL PARTY

SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

YOU HATE THESE WEEKEND THINGS,

BUT THIS ONE IS REALLY IMPORTANT.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU, ANDY.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I-I'D LIKE YOU TO TRY HARDER TO BE MORE SOCIAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S NOT ABOUT LIKING PEOPLE

OR NOT LIKING PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M LEAVING YOU, ANDY.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT.

I'LL EVEN-- I'LL MAKE A LIST

OF THINGS FOR YOU TO TALK ABOUT.

THAT WAY YOU WON'T--WHAT?

I SAID, "I'M LEAVING YOU."

I WANT A DIVORCE.

YOU WHAT?

ALL YOU CARE ABOUT ANYMORE IS WORK.

I WANT PASSION,

I WANT HOT SEX ON A WHITE SAND BEACH,

I WANT TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN AND ADVENTURE

WHILE I'M STILL YOUNG ENOUGH TO ENJOY IT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S THIS REALLY ABOUT?

WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO INCREASE YOUR ALLOWANCE?

IS THAT IT?

I DON'T WANT MONEY, ANDY!

I WANT OUT!

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH

I'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR.

AN AFFAIR.

I'M IN LOVE,

AND I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GREAT IT FEELS.

WE'RE RUNNING AWAY TOGETHER,

AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

WHO IS HE?

IT'S NOBODY YOU KNOW.

I WANT THE NAME.

WHY? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

SQUASH HIM LIKE AN INSECT?

YOU'RE NOT THE MAN I MARRIED, ANDY,

AND IF YOU ARE, I DIDN'T KNOW IT.

EITHER WAY, THE THOUGHT OF SPENDING

THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU

IS JUST TOO DAMN DEPRESSING.

IF ANYBODY WANTS ME, I'LL BE IN CHICAGO.

OK, OK, YOU'RE SERIOUS.

I CAN SEE THAT NOW. BUT--BUT LOOK,

YOU'VE GOT TO WORK WITH ME ON THIS, OK?

I'M NOT NEGOTIATING WITH YOU, ANDY.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING EXCEPT A LIFE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO WALK OUT ON ME?

THE WAY I SEE IT, ANDY,

YOU WALKED OUT ON ME YEARS AGO.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WE MADE LOVE?

CAN YOU EVEN REMEMBER?

DON'T DO THIS TO ME, EMMA.

YOU KNOW WHAT KINDA SCHMUCK

I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE?

THAT'S WHAT REALLY BOTHERS YOU, ISN'T IT?

WELL, LET ME PUT YOUR MIND TO REST.

YOU ALREADY LOOK LIKE A SCHMUCK.

BECAUSE YOU ARE A SCHMUCK.

AAHH! SCHMUCK?

WHO'S A SCHMUCK, HUH?

GOOD, BITCH.

YOU WANT PASSION, EMMA?

HOW'S THIS?

DAMN BITCH.

COME HERE!

POLICE DEPARTMENT.

ARE YOU SURE IT WAS A SCREAM?

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T CARE ANYMORE,

AND I'M TIRED OF TALKIN'--

TO HELL WITH ME?

NO, TO HELL WITH YOU!

RIGHT,

BUT YOU'RE SURE IT WAS A SCREAM?

MM-HMM.

YOU SAY THE WOOD GLEN APARTMENTS.

DO YOU KNOW WHICH UNIT?

THE CONWAYS'.

OK, WE'LL SEND SOMEONE OVER.

SHIT, AND THERE I WAS THINKIN'

I'D GET SOME PAPERWORK DONE TONIGHT.

HEY, COULD YOU AND YOUR WIFE

ARGUE A LITTLE MORE QUIETLY?

YEAH, WE'LL WORK ON IT.

WHAT WAS THAT CALL JUST NOW?

UH, SOME WOMAN...

SAYS SHE HEARD A FIGHT NEXT DOOR,

AND THEN A SCREAM, AND THEN NOTHING.

DID I HEAR THE NAME CONWAY?

YEAH.

THEY IN WOOD GLEN, UH, UNIT 402?

AS A MATTER OF FACT... YOU KNOW 'EM?

I DON'T THINK SO.

WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M ON IT.

I WANT TO SEE WHAT THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE.

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?

YOUR SHIFT ENDED OVER AN HOUR AGO.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GOING

ON VACATION TOMORROW WITH YOUR WIFE.

I SAID I WAS GOING FISHING.

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT TAKING MY WIFE.

SHIT!

OPEN UP. POLICE DEPARTMENT.

UH, I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.

I'M OFFICER FINE.

I, UH--

GOT A CALL FROM ONE OF YOUR NEIGHBORS.

THEY SAID THEY HEARD A SCREAM.

MIND IF I COME IN?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

A SCREAM? REALLY?

IS YOUR WIFE HERE?

NO. SHE LEFT...

ACTUALLY, FOR GOOD.

WE HAD AN ARGUMENT.

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT MY NEIGHBOR--

WHICH NEIGHBOR DID YOU SAY IT WAS?

I DIDN'T.

DID SHE GO TO A FRIEND'S HOUSE,

SOME PLACE WHERE WE CAN REACH HER?

ACTUALLY, SHE'S ON HER WAY TO CHICAGO.

CHICAGO?

YEAH. SHE HAS FAMILY THERE.

LOOK, OFFICER, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

WE HAD A FIGHT, IT GOT LOUD,

SHE PACKED HER BAG, AND SHE LEFT.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THIS?

OH, I, UM, CUT MYSELF SHAVING.

MM-HMM. MIND IF I LOOK AROUND?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

IT'S, UH, IT'S LIKE I SAID.

I CUT MYSELF SHAVING.

WE KEEP THE TOWELS IN THE TRUNK.