Tales from the Crypt

YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME, DR. VISCOUS.

IT'S OUR SON'S EATING HABITS.

YOU SAID YOU WERE CANNIBALS, RIGHT?

YES. THAT'S WHY THIS VEGETARIANISM THING SCARES ME.

NO NEED TO WORRY.

FOR ONE THING, VEGETARIANS ARE PROBABLY MUCH BETTER FOR HIM.

I LIKE TO STALK ONE MYSELF FROM TIME TO TIME.

MY ADVICE IS TO LET HIM FIEND HIMSELF.

THE LITTLE NIPPER WILL NEVER LEARN TO MAGGOT ON HIS OWN

IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY PROTECTING HIM.

OUR NEXT CALLER, LEO,

THINKS HIS WIFE IS CHEATING ON HIM.

LET'S HOPE FOR HER SAKE,

HE DOESN'T CATCH HER IN THE "HACKED."

I CALL THIS SICKENING PSYCHODRAMA

AS YE SOW.

AS YE SOW

HERE SHE IS, EXITING THE PRODUCE MARKET.

I GOT EYES, FOR CHRIST SAKE.

HOW'D YOUR GUY KNOW SHE DIDN'T GO

OUT IN THE BACK FOR A QUICKIE?

I HAD A MAN IN BACK

AND ANOTHER ONE INSIDE THE STORE.

3 GUYS-- THAT'S IT?

3 IS ALL THE FBI WOULD USE.

HERE SHE STOPS BRIEFLY AT THE BUTCHER'S.

00 VISIT TO ST. XAVIER'S.

I PAID YOU GUYS 3O GRAND FOR THIS SHIT?

HOME MOVIES OF MY WIFE

GOING IN AND OUT OF STORES AND CHURCH?

I TOLD YOU WHEN WE UNDERTOOK THIS JOB

THAT IT WOULD BE EXPENSIVE,

THAT WE MIGHT COME UP WITH NOTHING,

PARTICULARLY IF YOUR WIFE IS UP TO NOTHING.

FACE IT, MR. BYRNES,

YOUR WIFE...

IS A REGULAR CHOIR GIRL.

JUST BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T CATCH HER AT IT

DOESN'T MEAN SHE ISN'T DOING IT.

I KNOW SHE'S UP TO SOME SHIT.

I CAN FEEL IT ON HER SKIN

EVERY TIME I TOUCH HER.

I CAN SEE IT IN HER EYES

WHEN SHE LOOKS AT ME.

IT'S TEARING ME APART, FOR CHRIST SA--

YOU THINK I'M SOME KINDA ASSHOLE, DON'T YOU?

LOOK, MR. BYRNES,

WHEN A GUY MARRIES A WOMAN...

WHAT, 20, 25 YEARS YOUNGER THAN HE IS...

24.

24, A PRETTY WOMAN,

IT CAN GET TO HIM, YOU KNOW, EMOTIONALLY.

IT CAN AFFECT HIS JUDGMENT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE TELLING ME I NEED A SHRINK, HMM?

A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

MIGHT BE A GOOD INVESTMENT FOR STARTERS.

UM, AN ENCOUNTER GROUP, HEALTH FARM, SPA.

HA HA HA HA.

LOOK, I DON'T NEED YOUR NEW AGE BULLSHIT.

AND I DON'T WANT ANY MORE OF YOUR HALF-ASSED SURVEILLANCE, EITHER.

I'M GOING TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE

WHO KNOWS WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE DOING.

FINE. YOU LOOK UNDER ENOUGH ROCKS,

YOU'LL COME UP WITH SOME SHEET-SMELLER

WHO'LL BE HAPPY TO TAKE YOUR MONEY.

IN YOUR EAR, PAL.

YOUR WIFE'S VERY LOVELY.

A CATCH FOR ANY MAN, MARRIED OR NOT.

I CAN ONLY SYMPATHIZE WITH YOUR PROBLEM.

I WOULD, OF COURSE, GIVE YOUR CASE THE HIGHEST PRIORITY.

MM-HMM. YOU KNOW, THOSE OTHER GUYS

WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST IN TOWN.

HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE ANY GOOD?

YOU WOULDN'T GO TO AN OPTOMETRIST

TO GET YOUR KIDNEY STONES REMOVED, WOULD YOU?

WHAT KIDNEY STONES?

I'M MAKING A POINT.

YOU WENT TO A MAN WHOSE EXPERTISE

IS IN INSURANCE FRAUD, EMBEZZLING, THAT SORT OF THING.

AND FOR THIS, CHAPMAN IS VERY GOOD.

I'D GO TO HIM.

BUT...

INFIDELITY...

IS ANOTHER KETTLE OF FISH.

HE WAS INSENSITIVE TO YOUR SUSPICIONS, CORRECT?

MADE ME FEEL LIKE A FUCKIN' ASSHOLE.

BUT THEN, THEY WERE THE ASSHOLES.

IN MY SUBSTANTIAL EXPERIENCE,

A MAN OR WOMAN'S SUSPICIONS ABOUT THEIR OTHER HALF

ARE INVARIABLY CORRECT.

THINGS BETRAY.

A MOUTH THAT HESITATES TO ANSWER A QUESTION,

A SHOULDER THAT CRINGES TO THE TOUCH,

EYES THAT HAVE TO LOOK AWAY.

THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN BE ABLE TO PUT INTO WORDS,

BUT NEVERTHELESS ARE A SMOKE SIGNAL

THAT SOMETHING IS GOING ON.

AND WHERE THERE'S SMOKE...

THERE'S FUCKIN' FIRE!

EXACTLY.

MR. BYRNE, WHEN DID YOU FIRST SUSPECT

YOUR WIFE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR?

A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO.

YOU KNOW, WHEN SHE...

WHEN SHE STOPPED...

STOPPED HAVING CONJUGAL RELATIONS WITH YOU?

OH, CHRIST.

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN TALK ABOUT.

TELL ME, MR. BYRNE...

DOES YOUR WIFE WEAR EASY ACCESS CLOTHING?

WHAT?

DOES SHE WEAR FULL OR PLEATED SKIRTS,

STRETCH PANTS THAT JUST SLIP OVER THE HIPS?

DOES SHE PREFER GARTER BELTS TO PANTYHOSE?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE IN THE DRY CLEANING BUSINESS

AND YOU DON'T NOTICE YOUR WIFE'S CLOTHING?

I KNOW ABOUT CLOTHING, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?

ALL I'M SAYING IS,

YOU OUGHT TO THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS.

MR. BYRNE, I DON'T KNOW YET

IF YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR OR NOT.

BUT WE DO HAVE A SAYING IN THIS BUSINESS...

IF YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT, SOMEONE ELSE IS.

SO...

SHALL WE GET TO WORK?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S LINGERIE.

I KNOW THAT.

I MEAN, WHAT IS THIS?

THIS HERE, EH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS, HMM?

I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THAT.

IT'S FOR GOING TO THE LOO.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME UNDERTHINGS?

REALLY? IT'S FOR THAT?

WHAT A SILLY QUESTION.

WHAT ELSE WOULD IT BE FOR, EH?

WELL, UH...

LEO, LOOK AT THIS MESS.

DARLING, YOU KNOW, SINCE WE'RE BOTH HOME...

NOT NOW, LEO.

COME ON, IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME.

HMM?

YOU KNOW THE TIME IS A WEEK AWAY

WHEN YOU CAN DO YOUR DIRTY BUSINESS.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT A WEEK. I WANT IT NOW.

LEO. NO, LEO.

COME ON. NO.

LEO, NO. NO.

IT'S ONLY BEEN A WEEK.

YOU GOT SOMETHING FOR ME ALREADY?

FOR A PROFESSIONAL, A WEEK'S ENOUGH.

WHAT'S THIS? THIS IS THE SAME SHIT AS THE OTHER GUYS GOT.

IS IT?

TAKE A LOOK AT THE LAST TWO AGAIN.

CAREFULLY.

SO--SO WHAT'S THIS? SO SHE'S HAPPIER COMING OUT

THAN WHEN SHE WENT IN. BIG DEAL.

SHE'S BEEN SPIRITUALLY UPLIFTED.

WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?

I'M SORRY, MR. BYRNE,

BUT WHAT YOUNG WOMAN IN THIS DAY AND AGE

GOES TO MASS EVERY DAY?

BUT SHE'S FROM IRELAND. THEY ALL DO THAT OVER THERE.

DO YOU KNOW THAT THEY DO THAT,

OR DOES SHE JUST SAY THAT THEY DO THAT?

I'M NOT SURE.

ALL RIGHT, SO WHO'S THIS?

WHO DO YOU THINK? IT'S HIM.

A PRIEST?

SHE'S BANGIN' A PRIEST, FOR CHRIST SAKE?

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

AM I?

HIS NAME IS FATHER JOHN SEJAC.

HE'S A RADICAL.

HE WAS FIRED FROM HIS LAST POSITION

FOR DISOBEYING THE POPE'S ENCYCLICAL ON CONTRACEPTION.

NOW TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THAT PICTURE

OF YOUR WIFE LEAVING THE CHURCH.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELF.

TALK TO THE MAN. YOU'LL BE ABLE TO TELL.

GOOD AFTERNOON. CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH, WHERE'S FATHER SEJAC?

HE'S UP IN THE CHOIR LOFT.

THANKS.

FATHER SEJAC?

WHENEVER I'M STRUGGLING WITH A SERMON,

I FIND THAT PLAYING A LITTLE MUSIC HELPS SMOOTH THE WAY.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH. YEAH.

I JUST MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I THOUGHT I'D CHECK OUT YOUR PARISH

FOR MY WIFE AND ME AND THE KIDS.

AH, FAMILY MAN. THAT'S NICE TO HEAR THAT, MR...

LEO...LEONI.