The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

Karl, as you're aware, you've obviously got many celebrity fans.

And you've also got a new fan, Warwick Davis,

who is the short actor that many people will see

in films like "Return of the Jedi."

He also is in "Harry Potter."

He's 3'6" and Ricky and I worked with him recently.

And far from asking us about the many celebrity names that we've worked with,

the only person he was interested in talking about,

of course... Mr. K. Pilkington.

- He wanted to meet you, Karl. - Yeah.

Well, is he... is he all right to get on with?

- Why wouldn't he be? - Um...

Just because sometimes when people act normal, it's just...

- Well, just... sorry? - No, I just mean when... when someone...

Like I've met a few little people in my time.

The one that I... I met a little fellow once and he was all right.

He got drunk really quick.

But he was all right, but it took me by surprise,

only because... like I've said about

when I met Steve for the first time.

It's only that same thing.

And then if I lived with the little fellow,

I'm sure we'd get on a storm.

What do you mean when you met Steve?

There's a TV show waiting to happen.

Things wear off.

That's like the world, isn't it?

And it's the same with the little fellow you're talking about.

First time I see him, I'd be a little bit like,

well, what do you say?

Whereas as once you get to know him,

I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella.

I don't know where to start, Steve.

But Warwick asks, really,

"What are your thoughts on short people,

particularly in entertainment?"

Because, of course, they've throughout the ages made an appearance,

particularly in fiction... Tom Thumb, of course,

the oompa-loompas.

- What do I think of them? - He's just wondering, I suppose, what your take is.

Um, they're all right.

I mean when I was on jury duty,

every day I would sort of see one pop in

and he'd be sort of struggling getting on the chair.

And he'd sort of... you know, he wasn't struggling in a way

that he felt uncomfortable.

He had obviously climbed a lot of chairs in his time,

and this was just another one.

And I... Watching him, it just makes you... makes you think.

You go, "You know, I should appreciate

that I don't have that problem every time

"I have to sit down and what have you."

But I don't... you know, I don't think it's that bad.

If I had to pick being really tall or really small,

I'd go for the really small one

because, you know, it's... the world's

a more interesting place for him, isn't it?

Everything's bigger. Do you know what I mean?

We go to New York and go, "Wow, look at this."

And they go and they go, "Oh dear."

Do you know what I mean? Everything's a lot bigger.

Everything's more amazing.

Food portions... Everything's a bonus.

So out of the two, I'd be small.

And maybe that's what I'd chat to Warwick about for a bit

just to get to know... get to know him.

- Brilliant. - It's a shame anyway

that he's not been able to pop in.

I'd like to hear that conversation.

But I've got... you know,

speaking of like weird stuff and that, I've got a new...

Well, we weren't, but go on.

No, got a new book.

Do you know how I had that freaks book,

"Top 50 Freaks?"

Got a new one sent to me.

- Really? - Yeah.

And do you know how like everything normally has a name?

So like if it's the two-headed fellow...

you know, they're all nicknames like that, aren't they?

They've got two nicknames, I imagine then.

But this new book I've got, right... on the cover of this one

it's got like a woman with three breasts, right?

And she's called the... the three-breasted woman, as you'd expect.

The one-faced...

Why is she posing nude, though? That's what I wanna know.

- Tart. - Well, she looks happy.

And there was a fella with, like, one...

One face but two bodies.

What do you mean one face but two bodies?

- One face, two bodies. - What do you mean one face, two bodies?

Surely he had one head, two bodies.

Head as well, but it was mainly the face that was weird

'cause he looked fed up.

- How can you have a face without a head? - What are you talking about?

How can you have... What do you mean?

How did it join to the neck?

No, it did... it did have a head,

but the fact is it was weird that it had one face to me.

What do you mean?

If you've got one head, you'd have one face.

Yeah, I know, but it was just...

It was the fact that he had one face

and two bodies that I didn't think...

but why do you keep saying "one face and two bodies"

as opposed to "one head and two bodies"?

We're all the man with one face.

Yeah, but now I've got one body.

Yeah well, surely he's the man with two bodies then.

Again, the description...

Roll up, roll up. See the man with one face.

I know, yeah.

So it's full of stuff like that, right.

And what I'm saying is, that fella, you know,

the one-faced man, the three-breasted woman...

He wouldn't be known as the one-faced man is what I'm saying.

- Well, they've all... - That isn't the peculiar thing about him.

- No, well, they all had names like that. - Right.

But there was one thing in it

that didn't even have a nickname.

It was so weird.

What do you mean?

It was just... it just said "unidentified."

What... what did it look like?

Um, sort of... sort of testicles for eyes.

That's... that's... it just reminded me when you...

What do you mean "testicles for eyes"?

And what does he... Did he have a normal body?

- I didn't even look at that. - Oh, for...

That's what I'm saying, though.

You're attracted to the oddness of the thing,

and that's what I was saying about Warren

- when he walks in. - Warwick.

You know, it... it'll be odd for a minute.

And then I'm sure...

- For him it will be. - But he'll get over it. He'll get used to you.

I've got my head around it a bit more

and the way that there's loads of people in the world,

and yet you don't see people with like dangly eyes more often.

It amazes me.

I love the fact that he's amazed by not seeing freaks.

- Yeah yeah yeah. - It's incredible.

He's walking down the street going,

"Everyone's got one head. That's weird."

"Suzanne, see any dangly eyes today?

No? Me neither."

"It's weird, isn't it? What's going on in the world?."

Went out the other night with the lads.

You know, it was a few of us, you know...

young, free and single.

- Must have looked like "Swingers." - Oh! It was pretty...

- It looked like a boy band had gone out. - Really?

It looked like, you know, nSync had hit the streets.

All right. Yeah, excellent.

A friend of mine said, "Let's go to a club."

I haven't been to a nightclub for a long time.

Is that because your glasses steam up

when you walk in out of the cold?

That is a problem in the winter.

I genuinely... it's not...

It's very difficult to make a good impression...

...When you... as you walk in

and your glasses steam up straightaway

and, you know, you've gotta take them off and clean them and stuff.

And then, you know, you get a bit...

on your y-fronts. You pull your y-fronts up through the jeans.

- Yeah. - Clean them on that.

Or the back of a girl's dress.

But we cruised down to the club.

It was one of those big sort of London super clubs.

And there was a bit of a queue. I think it's a bit of a chore.

But we're queuing up. We're in good spirits.

We were looking at it. It sounds pretty funky.

We can hear the music coming out.

Been in the queue for quite a while... 20, 25 minutes.

Forget it. 25 minutes?

Well yeah, we were pretty excited by this point.

The doorman says, "All right, lads?"

I said, "Yeah. Can we come in please?

- He went, "No, you're not." - Really?

He said, "You're not coming in."

And he just immediately lifted the little rope

and sent us away from the queue, right.

And we were slightly perplexed.

We were dumbfounded. We didn't know what to do.

It was like this didn't... Couldn't be happening.

It didn't make sense. We just queued... queued up. What was going on?

And so my friend said, "Well, we've gotta find out why he's not gonna let us in."

- So he goes back over... - Yeah, that's what you wanna do.