Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

- Wait, whose baby is that? - It's my baby.

The one you helped me make.

I was just walking by with Hebby,

and I thought maybe Rebecca might want to see her,

since she's never acknowledged

her genetic offspring.

So, do you have to, like, study

- everywhere we go? - I have a final.

I'm gonna be a lawyer.

- A lawyer, Scott. - Well, you have worked so hard.

You're almost there, babe.

Why is he here?

She gets like this.

You ruin a shot again, and I will put you in ICU.

Bitch, don't get in my way, bitch.

I got to go see my dad. He's sober now.

Going to meetings, just like me.

There's something I got to tell you.

I had sex with your dad.

I can't believe that happened. Why did you do that?

What are you guys doing here?

I wanted to talk to you.

About what? Guys! Guys!

All of your exes showed up

on your doorstep?

Are they still into you?

I don't know. Mm.

I'm so confused.

I've never felt loved.

Welcome to Rebetzel's. Please try a sample.

Yeah. Take it.

Sample?

Yeah. It's terrible. Just...

Take one, AJ.

No.

No. What is this disgusting flavor?

- I call it the Hot Mess. - What?

This epitomizes how I feel right now,

which is confusion

over no matter how hard I try in my life,

it always ends up a steaming hot mess.

- Right. - Yeah.

Oh, I love a sample.

Food claw coming on in.

Oh, that is... that is terrible.

Ugh. Exactly. It's supposed to taste bad.

It's bad, like my life.

Why? Is everything okay?

Did you hear about what happened on my porch the other night?

Oh, you mean when Nathaniel and Greg came over to your house

and there was also the other guy there

and then Josh came flying out in those man panties

and he had that tennis racket?

Mm-mm, I hadn't heard.

So everyone knows.

Great. Wonderful.

Darryl, I'm so confused.

I mean, Nathaniel and Greg clearly had

something super important they wanted to tell me,

but I never found out what it was.

And I keep texting both of them,

and it's radio silence.

What were they doing there?

Ooh. Oh.

Hebecca's waking up from her little nappy nap.

- Who? - Oh, my God. You're not serious.

Oh! Hebecca. That's the name of your baby.

Your baby. That's your baby. Right, right, right.

Okay, okay, what is the deal?

Why do you always space on the fact that I have a baby,

one that you gave me an egg for,

one whose name rhymes with yours?

I mean, it's kind of like you got a thing about her.

I don't have a thing about her. You have a thing about her.

Yeah. You're weird around her.

It's like you can barely even look at her,

because she reminds you of a very traumatic time in your life

where you made some rash decisions

and contributed to the existence of another person

and maybe didn't fully think it through.

What?

I-I don't look at her like that at all.

Okay. Well, I don't know how you look at her,

because I'm just not a baby person.

Everyone is a baby person.

All you need to do is sniff her head.

I'm telling you, baby sniffs are my CBD oil.

I go to a store, they don't have my favorite feta?

Sniff the head. Bad day at the office? Sniff the head.

Brother has cancer? Sniff that head.

Um, your brother has cancer?

Not anymore.

Hmm.

She is kind of cute.

Cute? She's the most wonderful baby in the world.

And I'd love for you to spend more time with her.

Maybe you could even

babysit someday.

Uh...

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe. Maybe someday.

How's about Saturday at 6:45?

Sorry, what?

I really need someone.

My mom group set me up on a date.

And my nanny, Evelyn, she's busy.

I-I don't know about babysitting. I've just...

I-I don't have much experience with, like, a crying baby.

Oh, she doesn't cry at all.

It's actually weird how little Hebby cries.

Right?

Oh, come on.

It isn't that hard to take care of a baby.

Lots of people do it just fine.

Snooki has a baby.

She has two babies.

And look at what a great job she's doing

with Lorenzo and Giovanna.

Okay.

I'll do it. Okay.

Yay!

Hooray!

Yay, Auntie Rebecca.

Yay! Look!

She loves you!

I see it.

Whew! Good job, Tony.

You woke up in that skate park with a belly full

of Oxy and booze, but you bounced back and you're here.

Who else wants to share?

I'm on my seventh cup of coffee, and I can't stop talking

unless somebody else gets up.

- I'll go. - I'll go.

Uh...

I came here today because, uh,

I-I did a terrible thing to my son.

Oh, no, Dad, what are you doing?

I want to repair our relationship.

What I did to you, sleeping with your ex-girlfriend,

that was... that was...

It was unforgivable.

It was my rock bottom, and I'm-I'm ashamed.

Oh, my God. We already talked about this privately.

You also talked about this publicly,

because we talked about this last week at our meeting.

Yeah, but I really want him to know how sorry I am.

I-I-I can't say it enough.

I know you're sorry.

And so does everyone here

and everyone from last week who isn't here.

So,

please, just...

You don't have to apologize anymore, okay?

Another cup of coffee?

I could hear your large intestine screaming.

Let me have this.

I don't have meth anymore.

Hey, are you actually dealing with what happened

with your feelings with the daddy-girlfriend sex?

Oh, wow, that is an awful term.

I mean, have you even talked to Rebecca since she told you?

You showed up on that patio with something to say,

and you didn't even say it.

Greg, if you got

something to say to Rebecca,

you got to say it.

And have a truly happy day.

Thank you.

Hi, babe.

Hi, Mama Cookie.

Here is your invite

to a game night on Saturday.

A game night?

Oh, shoot. I just told Darryl

that I'd babysit Hebecca on Saturday.

Whoa, really?

Oh, that's great!

I mean, it was a bit unsettling,

the way you kept forgetting that your genetic daughter existed.

Yeah, but, you know what, no, I can cancel,

because you never have parties.

I mean, God, for your birthday, we just went

grocery shopping and ate premade sushi in the parking lot.

Okay, first of all,

this is not an actual party. It's a game night.

Second, that is how I wanted to celebrate my birthday...

With you and some room-temp California rolls.

It was perfect.

No one stared at me

and no one sang "Happy Birthday,"

so it was a big win.

Okay, seriously, Paula,

I can just cancel on Darryl. It's fine.

No! No way.

You're bonding with Hebecca. That's huge. Do that.

I do need an even number, though.

Who else can I ask at the last minute?

I mean, Darryl's got a date, obviously.

And Sunil has another widowers' camping retreat.