Doctor Who

Who are you?

I'm the Doctor.

You don't have to stand over there. Come and have a look!

It's called the TARDIS.

Nice.

But hold on. I can't call you Doctor.

No, I wanna know your name.

Yeah, that's, uh-- that's tricky.

Because I was adopted,

and the planet that took me in, they were kinda-- they were kinda posh.

They'd use titles like the Doctor or the Bishop

or the Rani or the Conquistador.

Say "Doctor" for a thousand years, and it becomes my name.

Okay. "The planet". Parking that.

"Thousand years".

Double-parked.

So, you're a doctor, but you're the police?

Police box, no.

- No, no, no, no, that's a disguise. - Oh.

Inside, it's a time and space machine, but outside, it's-- it's like a chameleon.

'Cause once I landed in 1963,

and they used to have police boxes on street corners.

- 1963? - Yeah.

Okay.

Ooh, jukebox? I like that.

Okay. So back to the planet.

My world is called Gallifrey.

- Gallifrey. Mmm.

And where's that?

Gone!

Ruby, it's gone, it's gone.

They died.

There was a genocide, and they died.

So the one that was adopted was the only one left.

I am the last of the Time Lords.

And I am so, so glad to be alive.

This thing flies.

Do you wanna see?

Let's have a random landing.

Whoo-hoo!

150 million years in the past.

- No! - Really.

No, you've gotta be kidding. You are kidding.

Don't be so ridiculous.

- Are there dinosaurs out there? - I don't know.

Go and have a look.

Wait, no!

Is it safe?

What if I change history by stepping on a butterfly or summat?

Well, that's not gonna happen, is it? Who steps on butterflies?

You'd literally have to be like, "Wait. Come here, butterfly.

Come here. Have it!"

Oh, my God.

That's--

That's so beautiful.

And TARDIS stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

Eh?

So we've moved location as well.

This will be North America.

Huh.

One day, this is Wyoming.

Wow.

Little town called Green River.

Oh!

What's wrong?

- Did I do something wrong? - Uh--

Because I'm Rubathon Blue of the 57th Hemisphere Hatchlings,

- and I do not do wrong things, Doctor. - But--

If you have made an incorrect accusation, I will have to kill you.

No, no, no. Look, just wait. Wait a minute.

Let's--

- What are you doing? - Nothing. Just--

Am I missing summat?

Nothing.

Let's try that again, okay?

Thank you. - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, uh, controls are new.

Completely forgot, the butterfly compensation switch.

Good. Right. Yes. Let's go forward.

Give me a number. Give me a year.

Two... - Two...

- ...one, five, oh... - ...one, five, oh...

...six. - ...six!

Aha! Five numbers! I like it!

But we're indoors.

- Ooh. - We got through the walls.

Aha! Is that like a, uh, matter transporter like in Star Trek ?

We gotta visit them one day.

Hey, but you said the TARDIS was like a chameleon.

But it still looks like a police box.

Oh, it's, uh-- it's broken.

- Most of the universe is knackered, babes. - Oh.

Okay. Come, come, come, come, come.

Oh, it stinks.

Something is wrong with this place.

It is a space station reaching overload.

No, you made it worse.

No, that is worse.

Is that a monster?

No. No, don't be silly.

Ruby, there's no such thing as monsters. They're just...

Just creatures you haven't met yet.

Hi there.

- Oh, run, run! - Run? Run!

Run, run, run!

Go! Come on! Run!

Come on!

Go on! Come, come!

Get in! Get in! Get in! Get in!

Oh, yeah.

The question is why did I run?

'Cause it was scary.

It was new.

I love meeting new things.

So why did it give me the shivers?

I couldn't run fast enough. I was like "whoosh".

Well, i-it'd help if we knew where we were.

Yet again, push the button.

Oh, we're on a baby farm.

Oh, a parthenogenesis machine.

What is it with you and babies?

I was gonna say the same thing to you.

We've gone from baby to baby.

I'm not saying things are connected, and yet, things connect.

Well, I'm the one looking for my parents.

And you've got a time and space machine.

So, this place grows babies. What for?

- Food? - Foo-- Wha-What?

Food? They're not tomatoes.

Well, excuse me. There's a big, hungry thing downstairs.

Baby farms boost the population.

Sometimes a world goes sterile

or, I don't know, goes mad and bans kissing.

So these babies are human, yeah?

Yep. Grown for a colony world.

And a colony world is not Earth?

Okay. Okay, one last time.

Push the button.

We made it.

The human race, we survived.

We went to the stars.

And ten minutes ago, Doctor, just ten minutes ago,

you said genocide.

- Your people are gone. Yeah.

- How do you keep going? - For days like this, Ruby Sunday.

I don't have a people. I don't have a home.

But I don't have a job either.

I don't have a boss, or taxes, or rent, or bills to pay.

I don't have a purpose, or a cause, or a mission,

but I have freedom.

That's why I keep moving on.

To see the next thing,

and the next, and the next.

And sometimes it looks even better through your eyes.

So where's this then?

Oh, uh...

Huh.

The planet Pacifico del Rio.

Oh, that's in English.

They speak English here? English exists?

Uh, no. No, no. Humans all speak one language by this point.

- A bit like Cantonese. - Oh.

Uh, this...

...is what it really looks like.

But the TARDIS translates. It's got a perception filter.

So it helps you fit into every time and place.

Right, and my mum, she's long gone now?

Can I see your phone?

Yes.

So, my sonic screwdriver can make

the distance between you and Earth 19,000 years...

...or one phone call.

What? - Carla. Phone her.

- But-- - Your mum, Ruby. Call your mum.

Well? What is it now?

Mum?

Yes, Mum, obviously.

You've just ran out the door ten seconds ago.

Why are you phoning me?

You went like the wind. Where were you going?

Yeah, yes. I will-- I'll catch up with you in a minute.

Bye. I love you, I love you.

Merry Christmas.

That was my mum.

On Christmas Eve. On my birthday. Ten minutes ago.

That's the best signal ever. How much did that cost?

I want to know what the hell is wrong with this place.

Ooh. - Do you see?

It's calm up here, but underneath it is seething,

just like downstairs with that creature.

There's gotta be a-a crew or a captain--

This is Eric reporting from Birth Zone 6.

I keep getting these temperature fluctuations.

I've opened up safety valves ten to 16.

I've tried cross-matching with the CO2 exchange.

But until we get that pressure down, I can't--

Hi.

You all right?

But-- You. Oh.