Are You Being Served?

Mr. Harman, what are you doing?

There's a coupla moths in this Irish;

one of them female, and the other's male,

and I wanna make sure they're not in residence

long enough to start a family.

Put it back at once.

Only floor personnel are allowed to touch display.

Yessir, certainly sir.

Won't happen again, sir.

Right.

- Can't you even put a wig on the right way?

- Oh blimey, you are in a bad mood this mornin'.

I'm certainly not in a very good mood.

Had to walk up the stairs;

for some reason, the lifts aren't working.

Tha's Mr. Grace's orders, sir.

Eh?

- Due to the increase of electricity prices,

he has decreed that the lift

is for the use of customers only,

not to be used by mere staff joyriding up and down.

And in this economy drive,

he has sacked Elsie of Cleanin',

which is why I are doin' the work of two pairs of 'ands.

Good morning Mr. Rumbold.

Oh, excuse me panting, but the lifts are not working.

Oh, good morning, Miss Belfridge.

This is Mr. Harman of Maintenance.

This is Miss Belfridge, my new secretary.

Hang your coat up, and I'll join you

when I've adjusted this wig properly.

Oh, I prefer you as you are, sir.

I think bald men are very sexy.

Nah, he means on there,

not on there.

(giggles) Oh, pardon me.

Oh, right.

Here, you don't half pick 'em.

Where'd you get her, page three of the Sun?

That will do, Mr. Harman.

Miss Belfridge stood out from all the other applicants.

I'm not surprised.

Hups!

Blimey, the lost tribe.

Mr. Rumbold, I have a complaint,

and I am unanimous in this.

We been stood standin',

waitin' downstairs for that lift, and it wasn't workin',

and we've had to walk up all those stairs,

and I'm fair puffed.

Yeah, all machinery that's broken down

ought to have a sign sayin' Out Of Order.

Yeah, you should have two signs:

one for the lift, one for Mrs. Slocombe.

- Mr. Spooner, if you're cheeky to me during working hours,

you can expect a reprimand.

However, any of your lip before we open,

and you'll get my umbrella up yer hooter.

As that was the opening bell,

a reprimand is all we can allow.

- Yes eh, sign the book and get to your counters.

Where's Mr. Humphries?

Oh, he was with us, but he went off.

Went off?

- Yes; he said he couldn't climb all those stairs.

It'd ruin the crease in his trousers.

I've never heard such nonsense.

- You still haven't explained why the lifts aren't working.

Oh, Mr. Harman, Mr. Harman.

Come and explain to Mrs. Slocombe, will you?

Oh, yeah.

Well, apparently, due to the economic climate,

plus OPEC vas-kiss-culatin',

resultin' in the prices of general fuel increasin',

we in Grace Brothers are saving electricity

by using the lift only for customers,

which is why they ain't been switched on

until this moment in time.

- Well, if we can't use the lifts, neither can you!

I'm Maintenance; I gotta test it.

And I'm now gonna test it to make sure

it gets me to the canteen in time for my coffee break.

Have a nice day.

Mr. Rumbold, I must speak to you.

There's a man in a blue overcoat

looking through the window of your office!

(chuckles) What's so strange about that?

- He's outside, and we're on the fourth floor!

Good heavens.

Cor, who was that?

His new secretary.

- Huh. Bet they're payin' her out the electricity bill.

Blue overcoat?

Mr. Humphries!

Oh, he's never climbed that drainpipe!

Oh, not in those trousers.

I can't get it open!

- Well, hurry up before he falls!

What's holdin' him up?

He was on a yoga course last week;

p'raps he's levitatin' himself.

And about time, too.

D'you know, very drafty out here.

Up a bit, George.

Thanks for the lift.

Oh! This is most irregular.

I was only using my initiative.

I knew that the outside o' the building was being painted,

and after a little light banter

with the workmen every morning,

I took the advantage of their kind offer of a lift.

- There's white paint on the back of your coat.

That must've been where I lost my nerve,

and he tried to steady me.

D'you know, I've no head for heights.

And he was well over six foot tall.

- Mr. Spooner, if you're to sit with senior staff,

let it be understood that you speak

only when you're spoken to.

Yeah, otherwise you sit on yer tod.

I hope that's clear.

It is, Mrs. Slocombe.

Good.

It's a pleasure.

And don't have the last word.

My apologies.

I said--

Don't have the last word.

I'm havin' the last word!

What was the last word? I forget.

I've just said it.

Was that your last word?

Yes, it was.

Good, p'raps we can order now.

Don't encourage 'im.

Where's the menu?

- Oh, we don't need it; just call the manageress over.

Most of the menu's on her pinny.

I'll attract her attention.

- 'Ere, she's very touchy; don't antagonize 'er.

- Don't tell me how to treat staff, Miss Brahms.

I don't think you're getting through.

Miss.

Excuse me, miss.

- Why don't you try a bread roll in her ear?

This is quite intolerable.

Were you aware that I was sitting there,

clicking my fingers, clearing my throat,

and banging my spoon?

I did notice it, yeah.

- And what message do those actions convey to you?

Well, when my two-year-old does it,

it usually means he wants to go to the potty.

- Your insubordination and truculent attitude

have not gone unnoticed, and will be reported.

Good! That's what I 'oped.

Then p'raps the governors will realize

that takin' away my serving waitress

will cause more trouble than it's worth,

'cos I'm not serving, and my union won't let me be fired.

Union? What union?

National Associated Canteen Employees,

Restaurant and Domestic.

Knackered. I mighta guessed.

- Well, can you at least tell me what we can eat,

and where and how we find it?