Friends

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Honey, I got us that room at the Woodford Inn this weekend.

That place in Vermont? You can take a hint.

You can't go away this weekend. It's Emma's birthday.

- Yeah. - We're having a party.

Can't you have the party when we get back?

- No. - No. It won't be her real birthday.

Gee, if only she were 1 and had no idea what the hell a birthday was.

Come on, you guys, this is really important to us.

Sorry, but Chandler and I could really use a weekend away...

you know, to reconnect, emotionally. - There's this thing I really want us to do.

I read about it in Maxim.

Well, can't you just go to Vermont the next day?

Yeah, we want everyone to be there.

As much as I hate to delay your doing weird sex stuff to my little sister.

And, I mean, you know, you guys, this is a big deal.

I mean, how can we have her first birthday party...

without her aunt and her uncle?

All right, we'll stay. We can just drive up after the party.

Fine. But if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party...

Believe me, that is not why we won't be doing that.

You know, Pheebs, when I was little, on my birthday...

my daddy would hide a present in every room of the house.

And then he would draw a treasure map to help me find them all.

Aw, I love family traditions like that.

When Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday...

our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food.

- Hey, guys. - Hi.

- I brought the camera for Emma's video. - Oh, good!

We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma...

and we'll give it to her when she's 18. - Oh, cool.

- Wow, it's like a time capsule. - Yeah.

Oh, just think, she's gonna be watching that video on a TV...

that hasn't even been invented yet...

with friends who, right now, are just, like, babies.

And they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built...

to escape the ant people.

That's the hope.

- So is Emma awake yet? - No, it's still nap time.

- But she'll be up soon. - Where's Joey?

I said, it's still nap time.

- Hey, there's Uncle Joey. - Hey.

Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday.

- Eighteen, huh? - Joey, no!

What? What? It's for her hot friends.

When they see this, you'll be 52.

And starting to think about settling down.

Hey, Joey, will you please set this up for people to put Emma's presents on?

Love to. Yeah.

- We were supposed to bring presents? - Yeah. I wrote Emma a song.

Oh, yeah. How was I supposed to know?

- Joey, it's a birthday party. - Yeah, but for a 1 -year-old.

What's the point? The other day she laughed for, like, an hour at a cup.

Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it, dressed as a farmer.

And he's standing next to this cow, and the cow says, "El-moo."

Man, that's a funny cup.

Hey.

- Where's the birthday girl? - Oh, she's still napping.

She was probably up all night excited about the party she knows is happening.

I know you guys really want to get to Vermont, and this isn't a big deal to you.

But it really is to us, okay? Emma will never have a first birthday again.

You're right. We're sorry.

Let's wake up Emma and get the fun time started!

No, she didn't sleep well last night, so we can't wake her.

Are you frigging kidding me, Green?

- Hi! - Hey!

- I'm so glad you came. - I can't believe Emma's already 1.

I remember your first birthday.

Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you.

He pulled on his testicles so hard...

we had to take him to the emergency room.

There's something you didn't know about your dad.

Hey, Mr. And Mrs. Geller. Let me help you with that.

- Thank you. - Oh, man, this is great, huh?

The three of us together again. You know what would be fun?

If we gave this present to Emma from all of us.

Which one are you?

- I can't believe Emma's still asleep. - I know. What are we gonna do?

I've got a plan. I've got a plan.

I'm going to ram this platter really hard into your ribs.

You're gonna scream out, and that'll wake her up.

I'm not going to Vermont with this Monica.

Hey, Pheebs? You know what?

I was thinking since you wrote a song...

maybe I could do something for Emma using my talents.

So you're gonna hit on her?

- No, no, no. My talents as an actor. - Oh.

You know, I could, like, maybe...

I could do a dramatic reading of one of her books.

Or you could stick a fork in an apple.

- Hey, I think Emma might like it. - Oh, Emma might like what?

- Uh, my present. - What did you get her?

- Actually, we prepared performances. - Separate performances.

But equally real.

That sounds like fun.

You know what, actually?

People are getting a little antsy waiting for Emma to wake up from her nap.

So would you mind performing them once now?

- Sure, yeah! - Okay.

Okay. All right. Everybody, let's get this party started, huh?

Joey and Phoebe are gonna perform a little something for us.

Oh, great.

Aren't you gonna be embarrassed having nothing prepared?

I do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole crew waiting.

So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us?

I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of Emma's books.

Oh, okay. Which one?

Uh, well, it's one of her favorites.

"Riding the Storm Out: Coping With Postpartum Depression."

Love You Forever.

"Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch. Published by Firefly Books. Printed..."

In Mexico.

Ahem. A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him...

back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

And while she held him, she sang, 'I'll love you forever.

I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living...

my baby you'll be."'

"And while he rocked her, he sang:

'I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living...

my baby you'll be."'

Oh, wow!

That was amazing.

Thank you so much for that gift.

I was not ready for this today.

- Amazing. Amazing. - Phoebe, I'm sorry.

- Phoebe has prepared something. - That's right.

I prepared a song for Emma, from my heart to hers.

For there's no greater gift than the gift of music.

Emma.

Your name poses a dilemma.

'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma.

Maybe the actor, Richard Crenna.

He played the commanding officer in Rambo.

Happy birthday, Emma.

Is that it?

No, of course not.

No, I've also, you know, prepared a reading.

Um, "Sex and the Single Mother."

- "Finding your G-spot." - Oh, no, no, no!

Hello, Emma. Happy 18th birthday.

Right now, that seems so far away, 17 years.

Yes. You'll be all grown up by then, and we'll be...

Well, your grandfather and I might not be here.

That's true. This message could be coming to you...

from beyond the grave, Emma.

- After all, my parents died very young. - And my cholesterol's off the charts.

Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women too.

Okay, cut! Great. Great. That was just...

- Yeah. - Oh, good.

Ross, uh, don't forget to get a shot of Emma's cake.

- It's in a box in the fridge. - Okay, sure.

You're gonna love this cake. I got it from a bakery in New Jersey, Carino's.

Oh, my God, that place has the creamiest frosting.

I used to hitchhike there when I was a kid.

Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes...

in all different shapes. And if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing.

- Did you do a picture of Emma? - Yes. On a cake shaped like a bunny.

Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance also bake...

erotic cakes?

Say, for bachelorette parties?

Ross, what are you talking...? Oh, my God!

They put my baby's face on a penis!

Now it's a party!

Wait, you guys, this isn't funny, all right?

If I wanted this cake to be a disaster, I would have baked it myself!

Uh... Is it okay that I still think it looks delicious?

- Jack, look at this. - I know what you're thinking, Judy.

The resemblance is uncanny.

I am this close to tugging on my testicles again.

No, no, this is not what I ordered, okay?

I went all the way to New Jersey so that I could have the perfect cake...

for my daughter's birthday. And I need a bunny cake right now!

Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off the penis...

so we could put it on the bunny.

That is a weird sentence.

Oh, believe you me, I am going to bring this cake back.

I don't even want it in my home. Don't touch it!

I'm so confused!

Yes, I still want my daughter's picture, but on a bunny cake!

Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!

To be fair, this one does have nuts.