What We Do in the Shadows

I'm gonna miss you so much,

but we can speak on the computerso you'll see my face.

But we won't be able to touch you.

Hey, look. You'll still have me.

Just you?-Yes. Just Your father. Hi.

We have been invited to a highly exclusive event.

We will be spending this Sunday evening

at our neighbor Sean's Superb Owl party.

Vampires have huge respect for owls.

One: they're nocturnal,

two: they're predators, and three:

they don't give a hoot where they dump their scat.

The party we're going to

is celebrating the Superb Owl,

who is the greatest owl of all time.

Do you think we're going to getto touch its little beak?

Depends what mood he's in.

Yeah, I know it's a Super Bowl party, but

I tried to correct them and they wouldn't listen.

That's the owl's egg.

Also, I didn't try all that hard.

Remember, no killing at this Superb Owl party...

-Super Bowl. -...out of respect

for our good friend and host, Sean.

Once this evening is over,

Guillermo will have a nice assortment

of virgins for us.

Oh and behave.

Blend in.

This is an all-human party.

Hey!

You guys made it! Nadja...

Nandor... My man Laz...

Dilbert-looking guy.

So, what are you waiting for?

Get your rears in gear and get in here.

That counts.

All right, come on!

Yo, Charmaine!

Look who it is.

-Our European neighbors from next door. -Oh.

Could you run to the ShopRite and grab a few more bags

of those Tostitos Hint of Limes

before you start drinking?

First off, I already started.

What?

-What? -Now you're catching an attitude?

-Right in front of our guests? -Well, this is my house.

I can catch whatever I want.

Why don't you go catch it somewhere else?

Oh, shut up.

It's always something with this one.

Anyway, come on in.

Listen, we're sort of a no-shoes household,

-so, uh... -I'm not taking my shoes off for anyone.

That's fine, Laz.

Virgins, virgins, virgins...

Stupid. I don't know why I always do that.

You know, I've been thinking about my lineage lately,

and just because I have Van Helsing blood in me

doesn't mean that I'm destined to be this vampire killer.

Get back!

I'm sure that somewhere along the line

there was an amazing baker

in my family, right?

But does that make me an amazing baker?

Actually, I am a really, really good baker.

Oh, no.

The thing with motion smoothing

that you have to remember

is, you want it on for sporting events

but off for TV and movies.

Even take a football movie,

like 1974's The Longest Yard,

starring mustachioed actor Burt Reynolds.

Dude, you're you're blocking kickoff.

Well, better to not watch the game at all

than to watch in the wrong format, right?

Colin, enough!

They want the owl.

So, do you have any knowledge

of the owl's temperament tonight?

Uh, I hope it's not too fussy.

Who, Charmaine? No, she's always like that.

What'd you say, Frankie?

Oh, nothing.

You still owe me $100 for that pizza night.

-Oh, get out of here! -No, you don't get to talk

until you give me that pizza...-I paid you back two weeks ago.

Get off it, Charmaine! -He never paid me back.

-Get off it! -100 bucks for pizza?

Ugh, Nadia, you must be miserable in here.

All this testosterone. Come on.

The other wives are having

a little powwow in the kitchen.

-Sean has more wives? I wish.

Excuse me?

-Nothing, nothing. -Yeah, that's what I thought.

Busted.

So, how come we never see you guys around here

-during the regular season? Believe me, I tried

to get 'em to hang,

but they never seem to be aroundduring the day.

You know, come to think of it,

I really only see them at night.

It's like they're, uh, vampiresor something.

Get in.

Fuck.

You heard what he said.

He knows we're vampires.

Um, ocupado.

Yes. Uh, we are just taking a nice shit together.

I-I'll come back.

I think we need to...

-What, "whack" him? -Yes.

No, if we "whack" him,

we'll have to "whack" everybody.

The place will be a fucking bloodbath.

But he knows our dark secret.

All right.

Let's get him to a private placewhere we'll both hypnotize him.

He'll forget everything.

-Good old double hypnosis. -Yes.

It's tough finding new groups of virgins.

Tried joggers. Hard to catch and very sweaty and slippery.

Tried incels. Definitely virgins.

But very bitter, apparently.

"Mosquito Collectors of the Tristate Area."

Beep, beep, beep. Nerd alert.

I'm kidding.

They are nerds, though. They're probably virgins.

Sourcing food for my master does have its benefits.

It gives me a chance to search for my own food.

And save some for later.

So, um,

how long have you guys been, uh,collecting mosquitoes for?

Seems like it would take up a lot of your time

and it wouldn't leave much timefor anything else.

Dating.

What makes you so interested in mosquito collecting, son?

-Well? -Uh, I love insects.

Mosquitoes

are an evil, deadly species.

Doesn't the fact that they drinkhuman blood sicken you?

Yeah? Sure about that?

You guys are the ones with the mosquito club.

- Just... -What about

other creatures that drink human blood?

Creatures with sharp teeth and stupid accents?

You...

Y-You mean, um, vampires?

You said that, not me.

You did.

But yeah.

Do evil, bloodsucking vampires sicken you?

Yeah. Yeah.

-They make me sick. -You sure about that?

Yeah, I want to throw up right now.

Well, brother,you've come to the right place.

He's worthy.

-Yes. -Yes.

-Come on, guys. He's worthy. Oh.

Like we practiced.

-Activate. -Yes!

Huh?

Holy...

You guys are vampire hunters.

Hell, yeah, we are.

Yeah, that mosquito thing? It's all a cover.

Actually, you're the first person

we've gotten to do that cool reveal for.

Wow.

Moving around like a l-lunatic.Put a collar

on the guy, you know?

Great joke, assholes.

-We were just saying what a beautiful house

-you have. -Oh, thanks.

Yes. Uh, we were also wondering

if it has an attic or basement or...

-Yeah. -...dark, soundproof room

you could show us?

Oh, you guys want a tour.

Yeah, sure. So, these steps

were built by my Uncle Fulvio in 2011.

And then Sean says to me,

"Why don't we wait to celebrateour anniversary until after

"I get back from the Islanders game?

-If they win." -What?

My Ronnie did

the exact same thing to me, only he did it

on the same day as my sister's funeral.

No. -Are you kidding? -Yeah. He said that...

I had completely forgotten that when a human

takes a mate, the mate keepsgrowing and changing and aging.

He said that. -Wow.

Can I ask you all, m-my ladies,

you are all such strong, beautiful,

-vicious, vibrant women. -Yes.

How did you all end up married to such boiled potatoes?

You know what, though?Seanie used to be so thoughtful.