American Dad!

Aah!

Damn. Why can I never get straight lines?

Ralph Fiennes?!

Ralph Fiennes is here?!

No, I said "straight lines."

I can never get them.

Stan, I've got some terrible news.

For you or for me?

For you. Damn.

Your mom called.

Hercules died.

Oh. Big whoop, he's just my step dad.

I barely care about my real dad.

The only dad that's ever been kind to me is Father Time.

He's been most kind.

Quick, take a picture before I blow out my rectum!

Aah, too late!

What are they putting him in?

Oh, Hercules always wanted to be buried in a Spani-coffina.

Oh, that's so jokey.

The eulogy will now be given by John Stamos,

as famous fictional Greek character, Jesse Katsopolis.

Have mercy...

on this great Greek of a man we lost today.

Now, please join me in the banquet hall

for the Greek tradition of stealing everything

that's not tied down.

Betty, that service was straight baller.

It must've cost a fortune.

All of our savings.

Wait, you're out of money?

Well, then you'll have to move in with us.

Oh, I wouldn't want to intrude.

Besides, I should be independent and on my own.

That's ridiculous. You're so old.

Look how old you are.

See?

So old.

Namaste, Lauren.

Very good, Kim.

Shawn Ian, I'm just going to adjust your arm

to the right a bit-- how does that feel?

Good? Good.

Okay, now I'm just going to put my thumb in your mouth.

How does that feel?

Good? Good.

Shut it down, pack it up.

What?

Pack up your crap; you're moving to the basement.

My mom's gonna live up here from now on.

But, Stan, this is my attic.

This is my home. You can't do this.

Sorry, bro. Mom's family.

But I'm family, too! You just called me bro!

Sorry, cuz, I was just using it as slang.

Let me break it down for you, son:

Family is your siblings, your kids, or most importantly,

people you have physically been inside,

either sexually or as a fetus.

You know, this might be the seventh best bike ride

we've ever taken.

Keep dreaming, Steve.

It's barely top nine.

Guys!

Oh, my God, a downed plane!

We've got to keep it wet until the tide comes back in!

I wonder what happened.

Well, fellas, I think it's quite clear what happened.

The pilot's head exploded while he was being read this!

The script for The Fast and the Furious 7!

No way! Look, it's signed

by Randy Scott Knobson,

the guy who wrote all the Fast and Furious movies.

Steve, this just became the best bike ride

we've had where we didn't see homeless people having sex.

So, number six?

Yeah.

Stan, I'm able to live on my own.

This is all so unnecessary.

No, Mom, the Golden Globes are unnecessary.

Chelsea Handler's career is unnecessary.

Tucson, Arizona, unnecessary.

Congratulations Tucson, you've been Dadded!

Nobody's safe!

Who's that?

Oh, don't worry about him.

That's just a nobody who lives in the basement.

A nobody?!

Who farted?

Nobody!

Well, I gotta go.

Gotta get to work.

See you tonight.

What are we doing? This is crazy.

"Exterior.

"The streets.

"Night.

"There's not a soul around...

"until the sickest Toyota you've ever seen slowly pulls up.

"Brian O'Connor stares out into the dark night.

"The only thing darker: the sick black tank top he's wearing.

Suddenly, he pulls a gun out from under his seat..."

Yo, Brian, I've been looking for you.

Heist? Heist.

Oh... my... God.

We gotta get this script to Hollywood.

The world needs to see this movie.

But first we gotta finish reading it.

"Interior.

"Crazy awesome mansion.

"A ridiculously hot girl feeds caviar to a Russian bad guy.

There's like a bear or something chained up by the pool."

Whoa!

Jeff?

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, hey, Mr. S.

Tom said if I helped him move his stuff back in the attic,

he'd let me take him to the airport one day.

Roger!

I thought I told you to move down to the basement.

Oh, yeah, right, because I wasn't family.

Oh...Did you tell him yet? Tell me what?

Me and Tom Yabo got married!

That's right, Stan.

I'm your new stepdad!

FYI, Stan, the ceremony was beautiful.

I sang an original song.

People hated it.

Mom, tell me this is a joke.

There's no way you married this guy!

She did. Now, we're registered at

Crate and Barrel, but if you'd rather make something,

that would be a lot more special.

But... I-I don't...

Oh, you want to know how we met? Sit, sit.

After all this time, I never get tired of telling our story.

At first we barely even got along.

But then we realized we had a ton in common.

Like telling this story.

We both apparently love telling this story.

I thought I was just gonna do it on my own, but, oh well.

In addition to both of us loving tea,

it turns out Betty and I are also both huge fans

of laughing while drinking tea.

Tom eventually invited me

to take a beginner's yoga class.

We connected on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level.

I haven't been this happy since I was with Hercules.

That was three days ago!

Betty, can you give me a hand with the champagne?

I'll miss you!

I'll miss you more!

Not possible.

You married my mother just to get your attic back!

Why on Earth would I want my attic back if it meant having

to share it with some old lady I didn't even love?

I'm sorry you don't trust me,

but what your mother and I have is real.

To true love.

To happy endings.

Oh, you, I know what that means.

Prove it.

Mom, I've known this guy for years.

He's a manipulative sociopath.

Stan!

It's okay, Betts.

Big family changes are often hardest on the children.

Let's just take it step by step.

You know, Stan, Betty and I would love

to have you and Francine over for dinner tonight.

Well, you can just forget--

That sounds wonderful, Tom.

Stan, I think this actually might be good for your mom.

Ugh!

"Dom and Brian drive sick convertibles

"and shoot awesome guns at these crazy Japanese dudes.

"Brian takes a hard left,

"sending him flying up a ramp.

"In slo-mo, Dom looks up

"as Brian's upside-down car sails over his own.

"It's super sick.

"Brian looks back down at Dom,

"their heads inches from each other.

"They crane their necks to steal an upside-down kiss,

and Dom's tongue explores Brian's mouth."

What the?!

Are you sure you read that right?

Maybe it's a typo.

I'll just flip ahead..

Here we go: "Interior, garage, night.

"Dom stands behind a bent-over Brian,

"and Tokyo drifts into his..."

Oh, that, okay, that scene goes on for like ten more pages.

Dudes, this script is full of

extremely graphic gay sex scenes.

What do you expect?

The whole lifestyle's fast and furious,

with the pills and the disco and the tank tops-- ohh.

Everything's changing.

Oh, honey, it means so much to me that you came.