Baby Daddy

And when the not-so-cute boy pony asked out

the girl pony, she said...

- "Neigh"! - Yeah!

- Watch out, watch out... - Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Lift it a little bit, come on. - Ouch! My hand!

- All right, what are you doing? - Can you believe it?

Somebody just left this chair on the street.

Yeah. Maybe they died before they could get it all the way to the dumpster.

Ben, you don't need to bring in everything

you find outside.

Oh, no offense.

- What a play! - Oh, come on! That's holding!

Hey, guys, turn up the volume a little.

Oh, and I'm gonna need another beer,

so volume and beer. And pretzels!

You know what? Why don't you guys just throw me the rem...

Oh...

All right, just for that, I'm not gonna let

either of you have your turn in Chairy Lee Lewis.

Ben? Hi.

I'm kind of afraid to ask what you're doin'.

It's my new chair. Pretty cool, right?

Whether kickin' back, watchin' sports,

or just putting your hand in the waistband of your shorts,

it's a sign that you're finally a man.

You know what I like most about you?

Your ability to not care when people are laughing at you.

But I'm actually glad to see you.

I finally found a new job,

so this is my official two-week notice.

I think it'd be better for both of us

if we just didn't work together.

You agree, right?

No.

Maybe? I guess.

Look, I'm really sorry about everything

that's happened or didn't happen between us.

Me too.

I'm gonna go grab Riley for yoga.

See you around, Ben.

I'll be right here just being a man.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Tuck, can you help me get rid of this stupid chair?

Oh, no, no. Been there, done that, not touching it.

No, no, no.

Why don't you ask Danny for help?

Oh, right, you can't, you're in a fight.

You think you're right, he thinks he's right.

I'm the only one that's right 'cause I think you both crazy.

Are you done?

What's with the suit? Did somebody die?

Oh, my god, did somebody die?

I'm so sorry.

No, the station is sending me out to cover

a big entertainment story.

Oh! Tucker, that's great!

A beauty pageant for toddlers.

Oh...

Tucker, that's horrible.

Can I...

You know what? Those pageants,

they aren't even for the kids.

They're really for the moms who are trying to make up

for the lack of fulfillment in their own lives.

They are certainly no place for a pudgy four-year-old

with a lazy eye and a heart of gold.

Oh, no, no, she doesn't even get to compete!

Oh, my god.

Wait, Riley, I think your sad, pathetic, tragic childhood

may have just come in handy.

Yeah, I just need to expose the... the dark underbelly

of the toddler beauty pageant circuit.

A Tucker Dobbs exclusive...

exclusive, exclusive...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just need to find a mom who's willing to act like

a complete jackass in front of a camera.

Hey, guys!

Oh, man...

it is hard outrunning a police horse.

Unrelated, if a guy named Brick calls,

tell him the drop has been made.

Okay, what's with the hand signals

and the darty eyes?

Nothing.

Tucker just has to cover this baby beauty pageant

and he thought it'd be fun to profile

one of the moms or grandmoms.

That's so lame, right?

Uh, no, not lame.

Everybody loves a good pageant story.

You know, I was two-time runner up

Miss Teen Northeastern New Jersey

till a very large baby bump derailed my career.

Hey, I have a brilliant idea.

What if I entered Emma?

Wow. Uh, yeah.

That is brilliant, but I don't know.

I mean, what will Ben say?

Nothing, because he doesn't need to know.

Just like he didn't know that I accidentally

vacuumed up his pet iguana Charles.

We lost a great vacuum that day.

Oh, good morning, Chaireem Abdul Chairbar.

What's this?

"Dear Ben, can't shake the feeling that

"there's still something between us.

"If you know who this is and you feel the same way,

"meet me at Cafe Georgia tonight at 7:00.

If I don't see you, I'll know we weren't meant to be."

Oh, my god,

that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard!

Who's it from?

She didn't sign it.

You think it might be Sam?

Oh! It has to be Sam!

You mean the Sam who literally says every day,

"Ben, stay away from me. "Ben, stop talking to me.

Ben, stop staring at my boobs"?

Yeah, that Sam.

I mean, if it's not her, then who is it?

I mean, there have got to be dozens of women out there

who wouldn't mind another spin on the Wheeler.

What if you go

and it's not someone you like,

then that poor girl is completely embarrassed

and humiliated?

Oh, my god, could you think like a dude

and not a teenage girl just once?

I'll get there early, check her out,

if I don't like what I see, I'll hide out in the men's room

until she leaves, heartbroken.

I'm not a complete jerk.

You know what, this is actually a really great idea.

Yeah, I'll bet Riley misses me just as much

as I miss her, she just doesn't know how to tell me.

I'm gonna write her a

down at the bar tonight to see if she feels the same way.

Cool.

Hey, what if the girl who wrote me this note was Riley?

Wouldn't that be hilarious?

No?

All right, look...

you will never, ever hear me say this to you again.

When we get there, be yourself.

Oh, hey.

Off to the pageant?

Oh, good luck, Emma.

She doesn't need luck.

She has me, someone who understands

how important it is to look her best...

clearly something you give zero patoots about.

For example,

you have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

That's not toilet paper.

It's garbage.

Pretty girl.

- I'm actually going down too. - Well, just take another.

- Take the next one. - Oh, my gosh.

Oh, good, you survived.

So?

How'd it go?

Get any crazy footage?

Um, unfortunately, no. No.

The cameras weren't even rolling before someone got thrown out

for trying to bribe the judges.

Oh, my god.

What kind of pathetic lowlife tries to cheat little kids?

Oh, don't you judge me, Perrin.

I mean,

it's not like I tried to blackmail them.

Oh, man!

That's what I should've done!

God!

They have not seen the last of Bonnie Wheeler.

I wish I'd seen the last of Bonnie Wheeler.

Riley...

have I ever told you how much I love you?

Only when you need something.

- I love you. - Oh...

Please? Come on, come on, come on, I need more footage.

I need you to go undercover as Emma's mom to help me

catch one of the real moms behaving horribly.

Tucker, no!

Okay? These pageants go against everything I believe in.

Which is why you should do this!

Do it for every woman out there who doesn't have a voice.

Do it for every pudgy, cross-eyed girl

with a bad perm and corrective shoes

who didn't have a chance.

I never said anything

about a bad perm or corrective shoes.

Was I wrong?

No.

You know what? Fine. All right.

Gives me a good reason to avoid Danny.

Oh, I'm sorry,

I'm saving this chair for the love of my life.

We're sort of on a break.

Actually, she would say we were broken up,