American Dad!

I love springtime,

when the bulky sweatshirts come off,

and you can see which guys were in the gym all winter.

What's that, snot? Why am I so distracted today?

'Cause I'm craving something, something I've never had.

Potato boobs!

You can have the starchy simulacra.

I need to -- nay, I will touch the real thing.

_

Exactly! What kind of guys get boob at this school?

I could be Tanya Johnson's baby.

But he's doing that. Or...

Hello.

Varsity athletes touch boob!

'Cause they got those cool letter jackets!

And how are you gonna become a varsity athlete?

_

Hardly anyone's going out for water polo.

I-it's like they're giving letter jackets away!

Or you could buy a foreign knockoff jacket

and say you transferred in.

I really think people don't remember us.

Man, these C.I.A. auctions are amazing.

There's so much cool stuff.

Hey, can we get a Farsi translator?

Please, please, please?

Will you feed her and take her for walks?

No.

And sold!

This working hellfire missile

goes to the man stroking a cat menacingly in the front row.

Oh, it's not for me.

It's for downtown Pittsburgh.

Our next item is a 26-foot sailboat

seized off the coast of Colombia.

Wow. Wow.

I've always wanted to be a boat guy.

I know, right? Hanging out on the deck,

washing down fries from the marina café

with some cheap canned beer,

making constant small repairs,

getting sunburned

and complaining the whole time...

Sounds like heaven.

Why don't we start the bidding at $5,000?

Right here! I see $5,000. Do I have --

$10,000! $20,000!

$50,000!

What the hell is going on?!

'Scusies?

Has the Colombian boat been searched for cocaine?

Uh, yes. There is no cocaine on the boat.

Take backs. Me, too.

I'm out.

Sold to the transvestite in the red dress.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

He is good.

He's got a better eye than Garry Marshall.

Good afternoon, men,

and welcome to water polo tryouts.

I'm the new coach, James Hetfield.

I know what you're thinking.

"Whoa, the James Hetfield from Metallica?"

The answer is no way...

even though I look and sound like him

and have all his guitars.

The point is, if I had to deal

with the kind of pressure that guy's under,

I'd probably crack

and end up as a high school water polo coach.

So, it's a good thing that I'm just

this very different James Hetfield.

Okay, I appreciate everyone's interest in the team,

but I can only keep 13 boys.

And...there are 13 of you trying out.

Okay, we're good.

Sweet!

Not so...

Uhh!

Not...

not so fast!

I'll take my jacket in a women's medium.

I got cut from water polo tryouts!

So you're not on a team,

and I don't get to hang with the cool parents

for yet another year. Gotcha.

Great. No one cares. I care.

Klaus? Wh-where are you?

On the table,

under a pair of Stan's workout shorts.

He missed the dirty clothes hamper...

by, like, 80 feet.

So tell me about this water polo tryout.

How was your eggbeater?

Were your dry passes not to the strong side hand?

Uh...I don't know.

Wha-- how do you know so much about water polo?

Eh, growing up,

it was a terrific way to avoid Turkish people.

Now I can give you some pointers,

and we will force the coach to reconsider you.

Awesome!

I am going to make you

the greatest water polo player in the world!

Yeah! Step aside, Peter Nordquis!

Wow. You really know your water polo.

I was just making a name up.

Welp, you got it right.

Ready? Ready!

There seems to have been a misunderstanding

about what kind of boat guys we're gonna be.

Whoa! Is it true you guys bought a sailboat?!

What do you care?

I love sailing. I practically grew up on boats.

I taught at sailing camp.

It's the one thing I'm really good at.

I guess, statistically, there had to be one.

If you ever need any help with the boat --

No. I'd be happy to --

Guns are a great tool

for keeping things from escalating out of control.

Now then, about this outfit disagreement...

You're gonna dress my way.

Nice and easy.

See? This works! No talking!

Let's hit the marina.

I just got mugged!

Ugh. Look at your upper body bobbing and swaying.

You look like a broken Barbie doll

surfacing after a ferry sinking.

Well, h-how do I stay still?

Tuck your hips in. Like this?

Ugh. Here, watch me.

Like this.

Dude, what is wrong with you?

I don't understand what I'm supposed to do!

You're supposed to do this.

Aah!

Tuck...your...hips!

Ooh!

Then you pick up a ball, eggbeater for elevation,

and fire it into the back of the net.

Whoa.

Holy crap.

You "ratatouille"'d me!

But it's not like I can go to tryouts with a --

with a -- with a fish hanging on my shorts.

I'm just gonna have to keep practicing

till I can do it myself.

A fish hanging on my shorts.

You know, in Japan, a fish on your shorts

is eight years of neither good nor bad luck.

The Japanese are very superstitious.

Wow. Smith, you just made the team.

I don't know what got into you, but I love it.

You're stronger, more confident.

Even your package looks bigger. Well done.

Nothing wrong with a fish hanging in your shorts.

There's probably a few things wrong with it.

Look at those guys with their tit-eating grins.

Time to join 'em.

All right, Klaus. Take the curly reins.

Aah!

Let's go, Scottie!

Focus, Matt!

Please note that I'm here, Nick!

I have to go back to work soon!

Wow! Uh...go, Steve!

You're Steve's mom?

Yes? Your son's a superstar!

What are you doing way over there?

You have to sit with us!

Really? With the cool parents?

Let me just check for something in my purse.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes!

Great first game, men. That was as exciting

as singing in front of 70,000 people

at Giants Stadium... I would imagine.

Tell you what. You keep the wins going,

I'm taking you all to raging waters,

and everyone can bring a friend.

I'm bringing David!

You hear that, buddy?

Raging waters.

So much water, so much rage.

It sounds lovely.

Well, you're gonna be my plus-one.

Really? Of course. You're my partner.

Hell, right now

you're my best friend in the whole world.

Slow down! No wake!

Assholes.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey, you think we should, uh, sand something?

Something always needs sanding.

Whew! Hot work.

I could use another cold one, Stan.

Oh, I think we're out.

Who the...What the...