Semi-Detached - First Season

Ah! Come on, where is it?

Oh...

Oh, shit!

Where is it? Stuart!

Where's the bag? Oh, hold my hand, hold my hand.

I think we need to get a move on.

I want to share every beautiful moment together.

You just told me to set myself on fire. It's fine.

The doctor said there might be swings.

Now you.

Breathe in the... Love.

Breathe out the... The baby.

April, where's the hospital bag?

I want to take all your clothes off.

What? It's the oxytocin. The doctor said I might get randy.

Yeah, she also said you might shit yourself.

I want to have this child while we make love.

I think we need to get you to the hospital.

Dad!

Dad? I'm entertaining!

Have you taken a bag out of my room? Just a moment.

Enter.

Stuart, this is Igor.

When you were born, your mother was twice as loud.

Heard her from the pub.

Can you get out of bed? It's two o'clock.

Didn't get back until nine.

Cannot remember beyond lunchtime.

I know we had cocktails in town.

Dad, I need some help.

Then we did poppers in the bog at Cafe Rouge.

Dad... Did we end up in a field? ..have you seen a blue sports bag?

Full of nappies and nighties? Over there.

Where's all the Red Bull? We ran out of cocaine.

I want Mummy. OK, should I phone her?

God, no. She hates me.

It's just such a festival of men in this house.

I need some Venus.

Please!

Back in a minute.

I love you! Yep.

Oh.

Stu! Hi, Barry.

Fancy hopping on for a Campari?

April's in labour. Oh, felicitations. Hm.

Hello, neighbour.

Congrats on the beard.

Doesn't look dyed. Is Kate there?

I'm in the middle of woodwork sesh,

building a pagoda for my birthday girl.

She's not yours. What'd you get her, jeans again?

She's mine. It's what real dads do, Stuart.

They don't buy disappointing presents

and they don't shit themselves on the ferry to Santander.

Could you just shut up and get Kate, please?

It was supposed to be here an hour ago. What's the hold-up?

Just make sure it's here before three.

Congratulations. Shouldn't you be...

..there? It's a bit bloke-heavy. She wondered if you could pop over.

Don't be so ridiculous.

Why would she want your ex-wife gawping up her chuff?

Play well with the female voters.

Do you really think I'm that cynical?

Won't be long.

Holler if you need me.

I'll be at the lathe.

What's she supposed to do with a pagoda?

We saw them in Japan. They're actually quite beautiful.

You know you can see his knob through that dressing gown.

Where's your van? I'm getting it pimped up with a respray.

Don't try to compete with Ted. Wasn't.

So, how are you getting to hospital?

Uber.

Hi. Why are you here? Happy birthday, sweetheart.

I thought you were getting your hair done. I did.

Fuck off.

I'm trying to win an election.

What? I thought you'd like it.

I'm challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty.

You look like Patrick Stewart.

Who? I like it.

Whatever.

Not that way.

Ted's organising a surprise.

Come on, I need your help. April's in labour.

I'll stick the kettle on.

I'm here now, April.

You off, then?

Oh, God, it feels like it's coming out of my bum.

How on earth did I get home?

Dad, can you not vape?

Balls, it's a harmless smelling mist.

I am so glad you chose to join our magical adventure.

It's like having my mum here.

I'm 40.

..8.

How long's this cab going to be? I haven't ordered it yet.

What do you mean you haven't ordered it?

Oh, don't make this another Alton Towers.

What happened at Alton Towers?

I lost my gay virginity on the teacups.

What? No. I forgot to order a cab.

Oh, I can't find my good place.

I can't find my good place!

Gucci businesswear, that's what I think about when I'm depressed.

She's not depressed.

Stuart, go and tell Ted he's taking April to the hospital

and, on your way, book the cab. We'll follow in that.

I'm not asking Ted for help. Just do it!

I think one's coming again.

And breathe.

And the reason I forgot to order that cab at Alton Towers

was cos Dad was getting arrested.

Please hurry up! Yep.

Surprise!

Why are you hiding in the bushes?

Cos it wouldn't be a surprise otherwise.

What's the surprise? Me.

In the bushes? Thought you were on the Isle of Man.

I was. Now I'm here. Just in time for my birthday.

And that's why I was hiding in the bushes.

So your present for Madonna on her 17th birthday is you in the bushes?

Well, I'm pleased to see you, Uncle Charlie.

Aw! See?

Ross Kemp don't mind.

Stick the kettle on.

Hurry up!

Something's tearing.

Now's not a good time, Charlie.

April's in labour.

Who's April?

Girl or boy? Still waiting.

If you are looking for Ted, he's round the back,

mucking about with his funny shed.

It's a pagoda.

Ooh! Konnichiwa.

What the fuck are you doing?

I cut my thumb off.

Look. Oh, Christ.

There was someone in the garden, a man in the bushes.

I got distracted.

Caught kimono in saw, took hand with it.

Where's the thumb? Well, where did you last see it?

On my fucking hand, you moron!

Where did it land?

I don't know, I was too busy having my thumb cut off.

Call an ambulance! Yep.

Oh, dear me, Ted, put some clothes on.

I can see your aubergine.

Ambulance, please. He's cut his thumb off.

Find it, find the thumb.

My neighbour's cut his thumb off on a...

..DeWalt DCS391 XR.

Oh, nice bit of kit.

They want the fucking make?

6 Fountain Close, SM5. Found it.

Going to need a rinse. OK, thanks.

We have to raise the arm and pack the thumb in ice, apparently.

Leave it to me. I love a drama.

Oh, it's cold.

Snazzy kitchen!

I realise you're not having the best day,

but I really need to borrow your car.

We need to get April to the hospital. Eurgh!

There's no way your girlfriend's leaking all over the Lambo.

That interior's hand-rubbed leather.

Can you do me a favour?

Today of all days, could you just dial back on the dick a bit?

Dick?

I'm not the dick, YOU'RE the dick.

You're a wedding DJ.

Audiovisual events coordinator.

Yeah, for weddings.

I'm dicing with disability here.

I haven't got time to worry about the latest addition

to your weird family.

What do you mean, weird? Well...

You're out of ice, so I improvised with some waffles.

Dad, Mum wants you!

We're out here!

What is going on?

It's Yul Brynner. I literally don't know who any of these people are.

Where's your hair?

Now, don't panic, love. Your dad's had a bit of an accident,

but it's all under control. I'M her dad.

What is that? No, no, don't look.

You'll spoil the surprise.

I thought I was getting a car.

Come on, we'll have to take April in the Uber.

Ted, stay with me.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Are you taking the piss?

Do you think I'm weird? Yes.

OK. Good. Honest.

I mean, who is she, anyway?

Who? Your girlfriend.

She's my girlfriend.

Mum says you're having a midlife crisis.

I'm not the one with the yellow Lamborghini.

No, you're the one dying your beard and dating someone 20 years younger.