Parks and Recreation

APRIL!

LISTEN, I WAS TRYING TO BUY

THIS HAND-CRAFTED MAHOGANY WOOD MODEL

OF A B-25 MITCHELL PANCHITO AIRCRAFT.

- AW, FOR ME? - DON'T SASS ME.

AND I WENT TO THIS WEBSITE, AND THIS AD POPPED UP

THAT SAID "HEY, RON SWANSON!

CHECK OUT THIS GREAT OFFER."

WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION?

- MY QUESTION IS, WHAT THE HELL?

- LIKE, HOW DID THEY KNOW WHO YOU ARE?

- YEAH. - OKAY.

UM, THERE ARE THESE THINGS CALLED COOKIES,

WHERE, LIKE, IF YOU GO TO A SITE AND BUY SOMETHING,

IT'LL REMEMBER YOU AND THEN CREATE ADS

FOR OTHER STUFF YOU MIGHT WANT TO BUY.

- SO IT LEARNS INFORMATION? ABOUT ME?

THAT SEEMS LIKE AN INVASION OF PRIVACY.

- DUDE, IF YOU THINK THAT'S BAD,

GO TO GOOGLE EARTH AND TYPE IN YOUR ADDRESS.

*

I AM, OF COURSE, SHOCKED...

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE BEN USUALLY PREFERS TALL BRUNETTES.

WE'RE VERY SORRY

FOR THE POSITION THIS PUTS YOU IN.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

ARE YOU HUGGING ME, OR ARE WE FIGHTING?

ARE YOU HUGGING OR FIGHTING? LET ME KNOW.

NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS.

I LOVE BOTH OF YOU.

YOU ARE EXEMPLARY GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES.

- "EXEMPLARY"? THAT'S THE WORD WE WERE THINKING OF.

- WELL, IT'S TRUE. - ISN'T IT?

- WHICH MAKES WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY EVEN SADDER.

THEN DON'T SAY IT.

- I'M LAUNCHING A FULL INVESTIGATION

INTO THE EXTENT OF YOUR WRONGDOING.

PLEASE REPORT MONDAY FIRST THING TO THE COUNCIL CHAMBERS

FOR YOUR ETHICS TRIAL AND SUBSEQUENT PUNISHMENT.

- I TOLD YOU WE'D FEEL BETTER.

HEY.

30 IN THE MORNING.

YOUR HEARING DOESN'T START FOR ANOTHER TWO HOURS.

- WELL, I WANTED TO GET HERE EARLY,

YOU KNOW, GET A FEEL OF THE ROOM.

- SO YOU GOT HERE-- - 3:00 A.M.

I COULDN'T SLEEP ANYWAY.

- WELL, I WANTED TO SNEAK IN BEFORE YOU GOT HERE--

AN ABSURD PIPE DREAM I NOW REALIZE WAS IMPOSSIBLE.

IS THAT A PRESENT FOR ME?

- YEAH. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- LI'L SEBASTIAN.

- YEAH, I HAD HIM MADE FOR YOU AT THE TOY STORE.

- AW, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING MY LIFE SO WONDERFUL.

- YOU'RE WELCOME. - I WAS TALKING TO HIM.

- OF COURSE. - BUT ALSO TO YOU.

THANKS.

- I WISH WE COULD GO THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.

LOOK, IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA GET A SLAP ON THE WRIST,

MAYBE A BRIEF SUSPENSION.

THAT'S NOT OKAY.

THAT'S GONNA GO ON MY PERMANENT RECORD.

I'M NOT THE KIND OF PERSON THAT HAS A PERMANENT RECORD.

FOR ME, A SLAP ON THE WRIST IS LIKE A KICK TO THE NUTS.

I KNOW IT IS.

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

WELL, LOOK, I'LL BE OUTSIDE ALL DAY,

RIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT WALL.

SO, IF YOU MISS ME, YOU JUST LOOK AT THIS...

WRINKLED, HIDEOUS MONSTER

AND YOU'LL KNOW I'M SITTING THERE

ROOTING FOR YOU, OKAY? - OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

- GO. - OKAY.

- MARCUS EVERETT LANGLEY WAS PAWNEE'S GREATEST LAWYER

AT THE TURN OF THE CENTURY.

HIS NICKNAME WAS "OLD STONE FACE"

BECAUSE OF HIS STEELY DEMEANOR

AND BECAUSE HE GOT IN AN ACCIDENT AT THE ROCK QUARRY

AND DYNAMITE BLEW UP HIS FACE.

- LESLIE KNOPE! GOOD MORNING!

IT IS SNOWING OUTSIDE. ISN'T THAT GREAT?

- YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.

- ACTUALLY, I'M QUITE MISERABLE.

I ADMIRE AND RESPECT YOU,

AND DRAGGING YOU THROUGH AN ETHICS TRIAL

IS FILLING ME WITH SADNESS.

I HAVE NEVER FELT SO LOW.

- WELL, YOU'RE RADIATING PURE JOY.

- I WENT TO MY HERBALIST AND GOT TWO B-12 SHOTS.

AND THEN I ATE AN UNREASONABLE AMOUNT OF ST. JOHN'S WORT,

AND MY HERBALIST TOOK THIS WEIRD BEE POLLEN PASTE

RUBBED IT AROUND MY GUMS.

AND NOW MY MOUTH FEELS LIKE A SPACESHIP.

THIS IS STRESSFUL.

OH, GOD.

IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

- WE ARE HERE TODAY TO DETERMINE WHETHER LESLIE KNOPE

VIOLATED ANY MUNICIPAL RULES OR LAWS

DUE TO HER ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP

WITH HER SUPERIOR BEN WYATT,

WHOSE HEARING WILL BE HELD TOMORROW.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A STATEMENT AT THIS TIME?

YES.

I FREELY ADMIT TO THE RELATIONSHIP,

AND I WILL NOT BE FIGHTING THE CHARGES

THAT WE VIOLATED CHRIS' RULE.

BUT WE DID NOTHING ELSE WRONG OR UNETHICAL.

IN 1849, SARAH NELSON QUINDLE EXPOSED HER ELBOW OUTDOORS,

WHICH WAS A CLASS "A" FELONY.

ALTHOUGH SHE FELT THE LAW UNJUST,

SHE ACKNOWLEDGED THAT SHE HAD BROKEN IT,

AND SHE NOBLY ACCEPTED HER PUNISHMENT--

TO BE SET ADRIFT ON LAKE MICHIGAN

LIKE A HUMAN POPSICLE.

LOOK HOW CALM SHE LOOKS. THAT'S HOW I FEEL--

TOTALLY ZEN.

MS. KNOPE, ON WHAT DAY

DID YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH BEN WYATT BEGIN?

- LAST MAY, AT YOUR REQUEST, BEN AND I DROVE TO INDIANAPOLIS

TO BID FOR THE STATE LITTLE LEAGUE TOURNAMENT.

THE NIGHT WE RETURNED WAS THE FIRST TIME

WE KISSED EACH OTHER ON EACH OTHER'S MOUTHS.

IT WAS EXCELLENT.

THAT WAS UNNECESSARY TO ADD. I'M SORRY. I'M NERVOUS.

NEXT QUESTION--

DID YOU EVER RECEIVE SPECIAL TREATMENT

AS A RESULT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH BEN WYATT?

- I RECEIVED ADORABLE NICKNAMES AND AMAZING BACK RUBS.

OH, YOU MEAN PROFESSIONALLY. NO.

- AND DID YOU BREAK ANY LOCAL, STATE, OR FEDERAL LAW

IN AN EFFORT TO COVER UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH BEN WYATT?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

- THANK YOU. MS. KNOPE, THAT IS ALL.

- MR. TRAEGER, THIS SAYS YOU'RE GONNA BE CALLING 14 WITNESSES.

IS THAT CORRECT?

UH, YES, SIR.

- 14? WHY SO MANY?

I'VE ALREADY ADMITTED THAT I BROKE YOUR RULE.

IT'S NOT MY RULE, LESLIE.

IT IS AN IMPORTANT RULE THAT EXISTS IN EVERY GOVERNMENT.

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

BETWEEN SUPERIORS AND THEIR EMPLOYEES

LEAD TO FRAUD, CORRUPTION, AND MISUSE OF PUBLIC FUNDS.

- AND YOU THINK I'M GUILTY OF THAT?

- I THINK THAT YOU BEGAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

WITH BEN WYATT EARLIER THAN YOU'RE SAYING.

I BELIEVE THAT YOU CERTAINLY RECEIVED SPECIAL TREATMENT,

AND I THINK THAT YOU MAY EVEN BE GUILTY OF BRIBERY.

- NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE.

AND I WILL PROVE IT, MR. TRAEGER.

- OKAY, TEN-MINUTE BREAK PLEASE.

HERE YOU GO, BOSS.

- OKAY, GUYS, WE NEED TO COUNTER EVERY CHARGE

THAT CHRIS HAS LEVELED AGAINST ME.

ANDY, I NEED EVIDENCE. - GOT IT!

- WAIT! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT EVIDENCE.

- AH, RIGHT ON. YES. HIT ME.

- NEXT TO MY DESK IS A PICTURE OF A FEMALE POLITICIAN--

BELLA ABZUG.

GET THE KEY THAT'S TAPED TO THE BACK OF THAT PICTURE.

IT OPENS UP MY BOTTOM DESK DRAWER

IN THERE ARE SOME FILES-- PAY ATTENTION.

WHERE ARE YOU LOOKING? LOOK HERE, FOCUS HERE.

GET THE FILES IN THE DRAWER,

AND THEN GET ALL THE FILE BOXES IN THE OFFICE.

- PUT THE FILES IN THE DRAWER. LET'S GO.

- NO. - OKAY, I'LL GO WITH HIM.

- THANK YOU. RON, CHRIS HAS 14 WITNESSES.

I NEED YOU TO TALK TO ALL THE DEPARTMENT HEADS

AND FIND OUT WHO'S GONNA TESTIFY.

- I DON'T KNOW THE NAMES OF THE OTHER DEPARTMENT HEADS.

- I'LL GO WITH HIM. SERIOUSLY? WITH THE MEN IN THIS OFFICE?

- ANN? - YEAH?

- I NEED YOU TO TEXT ME EVERY 30 SECONDS

THAT EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.

- OKAY. -

THANKS, ANN!

I BROKE ONE RULE, AND I WILL ACCEPT A SLAP ON THE WRIST.

BUT WHEN YOU SIT BACK AND LET YOUR REPUTATION BE DESTROYED.

YOU GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS A FROZEN WHORE.

I'M FIGHTING.

- HEY. GOT MY COMPUTER. I'M ALL SET.

- GREAT. YOU'RE UP NEXT. HOW IS BEN? IS HE SAD?

YOU NEED TO CHEER HIM UP, ANN. - BEN IS FINE.

HE SAYS HE'S SORRY HE'S NOT IN HERE.

HE SAID TO LOOK AT THE MONSTER.

I'M HOPING YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

- THERE'S A RUMOR GOING AROUND THAT CHRIS HAS A KILLER WITNESS.

- HOW? WHY? THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

THERE'S NO KILLER WITNESS,

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG--

UNLESS SOMEONE'S PLANNING TO LIE OR SLANDER US.

OKAY, JUST TO BE SAFE, FIND OUT WHO IT IS AND SILENCE HIM.

- WITH PLEASURE. - WAIT. LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR.

DON'T SILENCE HIM. JUST MAKE SURE HE CAN'T TALK.

OKAY, WE'RE BACK.

CLEAR THIS CHAMBER, PLEASE.