Rustlers' Rhapsody

This is how every Rex O'Heriihan movie ever made always started.

It was the same every time.

And they made 52 of them in all

between the years 1938 and 1947.

Sounds like trouble.

On, Wildfire, on!

1947 was the year the lights sort of went out for Rex.

Yeah, he never did much after that.

Always made me wonder what one of these B Westerns would look like.

You know, if they still made them today.

On, Wildfire, on!

In the first place,

the bad guys probably wouldn't all be such cowards.

Rex probably wouldn't be so damn perfect all the time.

Roofs beginning to work.

The prairie sun has Kissed the day goodbye

Yeah, it's definitely kicking in now.

The wind behind me Sounds like it may cry

Here we go.

Now I hear the lonesome Whistle of a quail

As I ride alone

Along the tumbleweed trail

The road ahead is as endless As the one I left behind

But there are no ties To hold me down

Because I was born The drifting kind

With just a faithful horse For company

And a saddle for my home

I ride alone

I ride alone

- Morning, ma'am. - Morning.

Glass of warm milk, please.

Make it a sarsaparilla.

Is this one of those really tough bars?

Well, let me have a large glass of warm gin sewed with a human hair in it.

Coming UP-

This here story is about the time

the most wonderful and interesting thing happened to Rex.

He met me.

Let me guess.

You're new here at Oakwood Estates, aren't you, mister?

You buy me a drink, I'll tell you what's going on.

Bartender, make that two.

OK, OK. Here's what's happening.

Most of these people are nobodies. Forget about them.

That group, those are the sheepherders.

They're the good guys. Work hard, don't bother nobody.

But they smell God-awful.

Must be the sheep.

Makes you wanna kill them sometimes. Oh, yeah.

Now, over here is the sheriff.

Obviously a corrupt coward who takes his orders from the colonel.

- The colonel? - Yeah, the colonel.

The power-mad cattle baron who really runs the town.

Oh, yeah.

Can I have another drink? I'm the town drunk, you know.

- Sure. - Warm gin!

Hold the hair.

Who's that, over there?

That's Miss Tracy.

She solicits drinks, hooks on the side.

But you know, she doesn't actually go to bed with her customers.

She just talks dirty to them.

And underneath that exterior is a heart of gold.

Yeah.

How did you know that?

I know.

Of course, I don't have to pay for sex myself.

You'll excuse me, won't you? Hi, wanna know what's going on?

I smell sheep.

Bad guys, work for the colonel.

Now, there wouldn't happen to be any sheepherders in here, would there?

I'm not wearing a gun.

And I'm not going to do anything that might in any way cause you...

It's a tough town.

Sorry about the table, saloon owner.

That's OK, Blackie. No problem.

Since it's Tuesday, have a free drink.

- It's on the house. - Blackie.

You can kill me too, if you want.

But I think it's exactly this type of thing

that drives down property values here in Oakwood Estates...

That was the town doctor.

I'm kidding. Just some real-estate guy.

Sorry about that, sheriff.

Well, you ceflainly don't have to apologize to me.

These fellows were driving you crazy.

I swear, sometimes I don't know how you put up with it.

Anybody else got anything to say?

I do.

I think you're out of order, Blackie.

What do you know? You're just a prostitute!

Who sells her body to anyone with the financial wherewithal...

All right!

That'll be enough of that kind of talk.

What in the hell are you?

Just a stranger passing through.

Where in the hell did you get that shifl?

How a person dresses is nobody's business but his or her own.

- What? - You heard me.

You know what you look like to me?

You look like one of those fellas who's attracted to other men.

This is just a warning.

If you or your men draw on me,

I'll shoot each man in the hand.

In the hand?

That's right.

Not in the face or the chest?

Nope.

I don't like the idea of getting shot in the hand.

Then go home, Blackie.

- Go home? - That's right.

Go home?

Yeah, and see someone about your hearing.

Draw your gun, prairie fairy.

I never draw first.

Well, hell. That's no problem.

Well, don't just stand there, boys. Get him.

Now!

Now we've done it.

All right, you two.

Get your friend and get out of here.

But he's dead.

So what?

Get him out of here.

You ain't heard the last of this, mister.

I know.

Believe me, I know.

Mister, I never saw shooting like that in my life.

You're good.

Thanks, partner.

Was that as good for you as it was for me?

Yeah.

Excuse me. Excuse me there, stranger.

You got a place to stay?

I got a campsite outside of town.

Why don't you stay in the hotel?

I never stay in town.

What's your name anyhow?

I'm Rex O'Herlihan, The Singing Cowboy.

- The what? - The Singing Cowboy!

Oh, well, listen, Mr. O'Herlihan. You got to be careful

here in Oakwood Estates. This is a plenty dangerous town.

High-stakes power plays, murder, robbery, intrigue, the works.

You think that's funny? This is the West.

People are arbitrarily shot to pieces left and right. I mean, it is all so violent!

Where was I?

Oh. "It's all so violent."

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, see, this is the West.

- Out in the West... - I know all about the West.

I travel all over it, from town to town. That's what I do.

Yeah, but see, in this town...

This town's no different than any Western town.

They're all identical.

They are?

- Really? - Yeah, really.

In every town there's a bar like the one we came from.

They might not all have continuous entertainment,

but they're basically the same.

Sheriff's stereotypical, and so is the saloon owner with that mustache...

Oh, no, no. Those guys are unique.

I'm sorry, but I just don't believe you.

OK, you have a very pretty, but somehow asexual, new schoolmarm?

Yeah.

Is the blacksmith a friendly guy who only gets mad

when somebody burns down his barn?

Yeah.

Is the editor of the paper an idealist who hocked everything for his press?

Damn.

See.

Hey, hey, I know one thing that's...

I know one thing different about Oakwood Estates.

- None of these other towns have... - Railroad coming through.

Holy cow!

All Western towns have the rail road coming through?

Yep.

Wait! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

One last thing. Do all these towns have a town drunk?

I'm not sure.

Oh, come on.

You know.

No, you're the first I ever met.

Oh, well, that's something at least, isn't it?

Sure is, partner. You're one of a kind.

You ought to... You ought to travel more.

Get out, see the world.

You know, the most amazing thing

is that all these other towns are as violent as this one.

Yep.

Hard to believe.

Yep. Adiés, buckaroo.

On, Wildfire, on!

For some reason, the bad guy was always a colonel

who had a beautiful, young daughter

and about 1,000 head of cattle which you'd hear but never see.

Let me just ask you one question.

There's one thing I'm most curious about.

Why bring the body here?

My God, this is a home. People live here!

Well, colonel, we didn't know what to do with him.