Candice

Hello, I'm Nicole Byer.

I don't know what I'm doing today.

Also, there's no mirrors,

so I don't know if there's toothpaste on my face.

Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

Who am I?

- Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot,

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

Three, two, one, open.

Oh.

Okay.

Talking metal till I die, dude.

There's nothing better than listening to metal

and drinking tequila!

She's Susan from England and she's having a midlife crisis.

My husband left me.

He was a nice bloke,

but I feel like I need a bad boy.

I want to feel a hog between my legs,

and that means motorcycle.

A 16-year-old who's rebelling

against her dumb fucking parents.

We all have a story to tell.

Sorry, just, oh, right, okay.

Okay. (clears throat)

We all have a story to tell

and sometimes that story needs to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition of "Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

So again, we're bringing the guest to set

and that is sort of how we start this.

And that's how we started all of them, right?

PA, am I gonna go find them?

So maybe that.

Okay, maybe a hot-or-cold situation.

You tell me if I'm close.

This way.

Guest, guest, guest.

Okay, everyone, so this is sort

of the conceit of the show, right?

Is we have a guest come in,

and then we sort of bring them to set.

So maybe we try that next time.

I'm gonna take a break, I'm gonna take five.

I don't want a cigarette,

but I want something that looks like a cigarette, okay?

I want it long and I want it set on fire.

Wow, guess you're late.

- So I'm not late, been here for four hours.

- Wow. - And overnight.

- I've never seen somebody in a suit be so late.

Okay, so please introduce yourself.

- I asked for vodka and this is fucking water!

Well, you look like you're maybe 16.

Yeah, you guessed it.

Almost 17, almost 32.

- Well, happy birthday, and I guess time is relative.

Please introduce yourself.

Candice.

- Hello, Candice, we're very happy to have you.

I'm Vic, nice to meet you.

Hi, Vic.

I'm from Vermont. - Well, that's wonderful.

Maple syrup. - Yeah.

- We're sort of trying to connect with the teen audience.

- Okay. - Now, we did a big open call

and you submitted a video to us.

My mom did.

Her name's Georgie.

Now, I'm a little confused,

'cause she did say you were a cheerleader, an A student,

and you were competing in a pageant next weekend.

That was two weeks ago, I'm changing.

- What happens two weeks ago that brings us here?

- I woke up. - Sure.

I was looking on the internet.

I was on a website called YouTube.

- Okay. - And I found a bunch

of cool kids who dress like this,

and I said, "That's what the fuck I'm gon be."

- Okay. - And then, my mom was like,

"Man, I wish 'Jenny Jones' still existed.

I wish 'Jerry Springer' still existed."

- "Maury." - Wait, what?

What? Were you in a- - As well.

Closet as closet listening to my mama?

- No, I wasn't in a closet listening to anybody.

And if I was in the closet,

I'd come out, 'cause that's cool.

'Cause that would be creepy.

- If I was in the closet listening to your mom?

Yeah, if a nice white was in the closet

listening to my mom.

And I wouldn't, and I wouldn't do that.

You got a lot of swans.

It's kind of weird. - I do.

Thank you for noticing.

They're sort of emblematic of my transformation.

Your transformation?

- That's not what we're here to talk about today.

We're here to talk about teen culture.

- Yeah. - And so school.

- Yeah? - What is that like?

You're trying so hard.

And, like, the part of, like, counterculture that I'm in,

it's like, who cares?

Like, lean back.

Kick a leg out.

I got a cough from smoking ciggies.

- Okay, so two weeks ago, you won an exemplary award

for an exemplary student at your high school.

- Yeah. - Apparently,

you're very good at social studies.

- Was. - Was?

Now, I don't care about the studies

or the social aspect of school.

- Why? - Because my mom

wants me to be a doctor and I don't wanna do that.

So what do you do for fun?

- Smoke cigarettes, drink vodka or gin, not water.

Hey, I got some coffee in my cup.

Sort of the vodka of the working world.

- What's your deal? - Host.

Hosting a show.

- Have you ever thought about thinking outside the box

and doing what you wanna do for you?

Listen, I was at the top of the pyramid

and I was thinking, I said,

"Do I really wanna be this high up?

Why do I wanna wear a skirt?

Why do I wanna excel in school?"

And then I was like, "I'm gonna be bad."

- Not everybody has the option to just decide to, you know.

You can be bad.

You could find someone with a motorcycle

and you can get on the back,

and you could say, "Fuck all this pink,

fuck all these swans.

Fuck this weird gold thing." - It's a rental.

You could rent plants like that?

- Mhmm. - Who would've thought?

I feel like in school they don't tell you

you could be a plant rental person.

- So we brought you on to sort of hear about teen culture.

Teen life. - Hell yeah, dude.

- In order to learn a little bit more about that,

I was hoping we could do a segment

that I like to call "What's in Your Bag?"

Sure.

Hey, thanks.

- So we got your mom to bring in your backpack

from school here.

I was hoping maybe I could go through it-

- Usually I don't let people touch my stuff,

but I'ma be agreeable. - Thank you.

Okay, so yeah, we got some fun designs on here.

SK8? - Yeah.

It's a fun way to spell skate.

- Breaking away from our mold of sort of a good student.

- I just ran outta ink in my little white pen.

Right, of course.

First item we got, so we have a notebook.

Don't look in it.

Well, I won't if you don't want me to.

- It's my diary. - Right.

We have, oh, okay, these are fun.

- Tarot cards. - Tarot cards.

Why don't we pull some cards, huh?

- All right. Pick three. - Pick three? Okay.

Do I look? - No.

Are you gonna try and guess my card?

- No, that's called magic. - Right.

- All right, they're all upside down, that's pretty bad.

What do you mean it's pretty bad?

It's not good.

Okay, because, am I gonna die?

Well, your past is the moon.

So that means there was a lot of light in your heart,

but then there was darkness that took over.

- That doesn't sound right. - Your present,

Queen of Swords, that means you're gonna kill someone.

Your future is Night of Swords.

You're gonna do it at night. - I couldn't kill anything.

I can't kill bugs. - The cards don't lie.

Seems like you're pretty counterculture yourself.

- Maybe I am counterculture, a little chill.

How about we read your cards?

How about that? - Okay.

Pick three, don't peak.

Okay, Double Past, Double Swords, down.

Uh-uh, it's because you sort of have two paths.

- Okay. - Next,

we have Judgment Day. - Oh boy.

- And that day is- - Oh, on my heart.

On your heart, your heart day.