Sick of It

Norma, how long do you reckon it'll be for me to, you know,

get used to not having her around?

Oh, I suppose that's up to you.

I wasn't expecting her to go just like that.

Well, it's no good you going on about it.

- I'm not going on about it! - You're constantly whining.

I mean, my husband is lying there in a box

and you can't stop talking about your ex-girlfriend!

Yeah, but Uncle Vinnie had been ill for ages, hadn't he?

Well, he didn't leave you, did he? He's dead.

Don't look like that!

I mean, Zoe, she left me because she prefers not having me in her life,

that's worse in a way.

Well, Zoe gave you plenty of warning,

it's not like this came out of the blue like you're making out.

Now go get yourself dressed up before everyone arrives.

Excuse me, is it all right if I try this on?

- Through the back. - All right, cheers.

You look a right knob in a suit.

It's the way you're holding yourself, innit?

Look at you, you're all sort of stiff,

like a gingerbread man.

You know why that is don't you?

It's because you're not comfortable in smart clothes, you never have been.

It's not you is it, it's restricting, they're all tight, you can't stretch,

you can't move about. That's what it is.

Yeah, that's what I've never understood about James Bond,

when you think about the line of work he's involved in and he wears a suit.

Every day he's getting involved in a scrap

and fighting the enemy on top of a moving train

and he turns up to work wearing a tuxedo.

Fucking idiot.

He's meant to be, sort of, an undercover spy

and he's wandering around like he's been invited to the Oscars.

I tell you who got it right, Superman.

That's ideal clothing, nice and stretchy, light,

moveable, airy.

It's just when he added the cape I think he went a bit too far.

Oh, shut up.

I'm not Superman, am I? I'm not fighting the enemy, I'm just

- going to a funeral. - You know what's funny about this,

whenever Zoe asked you to wear a suit you never wore one.

She's gone hasn't she, so why start now?

- (ENTRANCE BELL CHIMES) - That's more like it.

- Smart but casual. - Really?

You know that's just like a built-in collar, don't you?

It's not... It's not a full shirt, that.

You're getting about 8% of the shirt look.

It's just sewn in, there's no cuffs! They're taking the piss.

Yeah, well, less buttons. Saves time, doesn't it?

What do you mean saves time? What...

Mr Mega Busy over there, what do you mean saves time?

Jesus, what are you gonna buy next?

Some, like, trousers with built in underpants?

I'm going to take it.

I tell you what, you could use today as a way of meeting someone new, you know.

What, at a funeral?

When else are you gonna meet someone?

You don't have much else for a social life do you, so perfect.

And if you think about it, the other thing that normally lets you down

is that miserable face of yours,

not having a go but that's your default setting, isn't it?

That sort of, that sort of look.

Whereas today you can have that

because they're gonna think you look like that 'cause it's a funeral.

Think about it, makes sense. Let's face it,

you can't live with your Auntie the rest of your life, can you?

So get out there!

Just a thought.

Don't you look smart. - All right, innit?

- How about a tie? - No, I'd rather not wear one.

- Why? - I just don't like 'em.

Oh, but it'd look so nice.

Yeah, I know, but they're a bit irritating.

I'm sure Vinnie had a black one you could have, I'll go get it...

I don't want a tie! I don't want a tie!

- Stop going on! - Why?

Because it's not real. There's no shirt there,

- it's just a built in collar. - What the hell is that?

- (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - When I walked in

you said how nice I looked, stop making a fuss.

Ties are pointless, they're a waste of material.

Sofa delivery.

Oh, you're having a laugh, aren't you?

Where do you want it?

Yeah, today's not good, to be honest with you.

Any chance you could sort of rearrange to get it sorted another time?

Yeah, I suppose so, that is doable.

You'll have to phone the office to rearrange.

All right, I'll do that. Cheers.

Just so you know, there will be a charge.

- For what? - To rearrange delivery.

Nah, he's taking the piss. I tell you what he's doing,

they do this so you send him off and you've got to pay him again.

But I've already paid for delivery.

Yeah, but that's for today's delivery.

Oh, I've got a funeral today.

Yeah, well I'm very sorry for your loss, but like I say,

there is a charge for redelivery.

It's £40.

Forty quid! Again?

Get him to bring it in.

Okay, all right. Bring it in now then. Fine.

God!

Couldn't you have them deliver it at a more appropriate time?

There's no room for it.

And there are a lot more people coming for the reception.

Yeah, but he charges forty quid each time he does a drop off.

And anyway, there's going to be more room once Uncle Vinnie's been shifted.

And the old sofa's gotta go.

Excuse me, this, I think you're taking this old sofa today.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's down here in... In the paperwork.

I've just got to check it out first.

Sorry for your loss.

Excuse me, ladies.

You've got a bit of problem here. There ain't no fire labels.

- So what does that mean? - I can't take it.

- But why? - Safety regulations.

Honestly, health and safety does me head in.

They'll be selling like safety goggles with fuckin' bacon next.

Look, can you sign for the new one

here and here?

Just so you know, you've got a 14-day return policy.

So what am I meant to do with it now then?

Well most people stick it on Gumtree or one of them sites.

There's always someone that's willing to take a risk.

Take a risk?

It's a sofa!

Where we going then?

It's only down the road, it's a little chaise.

Excuse me, fellas.

See you at the crematorium.

Thank you, thank you.

- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) - We're going now.

Would you take Marco and Sofia in your car?

Yeah. Just give me a minute, will you?

Just taking photos of the, erm,

sofa to put online.

This is barmy this, isn't it?

I mean, if they're gonna insist on driving this slowly

why don't they just throw all funerals in rush hour?

Eh?

We're causing a right tailback.

When you think about it, when we all eventually die,

the last thing we do before we're like, stuck in a hole or get set fire to,

is piss off other drivers. That's it, that's the last thing we do.

- (MOBILE RINGING) - Hello?

Yeah, I'm calling about the sofa you've got online.

Oh, yeah. That was quick.

What colour is it? It's hard to tell on that photo.

It's, erm, sort of yellow. Yellow... Yellow checked.

A mustard yellow or a more lemony yellow?

It's just yellow.

Right, what sort of condition is it in? Any stains?

You do know it's free don't you?

Yeah, I noticed that, that's why I'm asking.

You wouldn't get shite for free normally.

I'll just come round for it now if that's all right.

Take it off your hands.

- Now? What?

You having second thoughts?

I'm just in the middle... Is it...

Can you give us like 20 minutes? I'll be there as quick as I can.

Well, hurry up, won't you,

- it's bloody free... - (MOBILE BEEPS)

Norma. I'm gonna nip back to the flat.

Had a call about the old sofa, someone's gonna take it.

You're going to miss your uncle's funeral for a sofa?

No. I won't be long. Honestly, gonna get it moved

and then there's more room for everyone later isn't there,

for having the butties.

You didn't even need a new sofa.

We've been through all this, haven't we?

I just got to get shot of it. It's a constant reminder of Zoe.

Well, don't be too long, you don't want to let your uncle down.

Vinnie's not going to be bothered, is he?

It's his funeral, not his birthday party.

All right, mate. You here for the sofa?

- Yeah. - It's just through here.

Great.

I'm in a bit of a rush.

It's, erm, this one here.

Looked a bit better in the photo.

Well, it's the same one.

Cushions are a bit battered, aren't they?

- (EXHALES SHARPLY) - (SOFA SPRINGS SQUEAKING)

Yeah, all right then. I'll take it off your hands.

You couldn't give us a hand, could you?

Yeah, all right. Yeah.

One, two...

Right, I'm clear.

- Right. Woah, woah, woah! - Woah, woah, woah!

- You got it? - Just... Can you slow down a minute,

- I'm still on the steps here. - Right.

All right? Clear.

There you go.

- Right, where you parked? - Eh?

Where you parked? Where's your van?

No, I haven't got a van. I thought you said you'd give me a hand.