The Exes

Hey, Haskell.

I know you're dying to know

about the dental seminar.

And yes, my powerpoint on gingivitis rocked the house!

Haskell? Hey, Haskell, you...

Are you crazy?

Sneaking up on a former junior scout?

I didn't know you had the headphones on, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I was trying to drown out all the loud sex noises

coming from Phil's bedroom.

I know.

I know, it keeps me up every night.

I wouldn't mind it so much if he would

let the girl talk, but he won't shut up.

"What's my name? What's my name?"

Hello? Your name is Phil!

Haskell, you seen my vitamin water?

A brother needs to hydrate.

You know what I mean?

Everybody in the building knows what you mean.

Is there a problem?

Yes, there's a problem!

For once I'd like to be able to watch

jeopardy without having to fight off

another useless erection.

Okay, okay, we have a problem.

My brand new mauviel cuprinox pan has been scratched.

Yeah, I'm just gonna let the gravity of that sink in.

- Phil? - Hey.

Everything okay?

Yeah, baby.

No, baby, everything is not okay.

What kind of man uses steel wool on an omelet pan?

A straight one?

We're not pointing any fingers,

but I think Phil's lady did it.

I did not.

Not you, toots.

The one from last night.

The one from last night?

What?

Are you saying my mother ruined your pan?

Bye, Phil.

Ow!

Oh, sorry about that.

It's a child safety device I'm selling online.

You know, it works on cattle, why not toddlers?

Bye, Phil.

You happy, Haskell?

Not only did you run off my date,

but you almost electrocuted her

with one of your stupid products.

Pardon me for running a small home-based business

and being the backbone of our economy.

I am America.

Yeah, well then I must be China

because you owe me a lot of money

and I'm starting to think I'm

never gonna see it.

I'm coming, Stuart.

Holly, you have to do something about those guys.

I can't live with them.

Stuart, it's 10:00

on a saturday night.

You can't just barge in here.

Sorry, do you have a date?

I'm asking the questions here.

I knew it.

I knew you'd be over here running to mommy.

Stuart, you are a child.

Ooh, cookie corn.

I wasn't running to mommy.

I was merely voicing my grievances.

Okay, well then let's voice 'em.

Holly, thanks to these two jokers,

I had a woman walk out on me tonight.

What if she was the one?

Well what was her name?

Hurts too much to say.

All right, all right.

You guys, I cannot keep doing this. Okay?

This is the third time this week

you've been over here

bitching about your problems.

I'm not your mother!

Arms up.

Make so big. So big.

Thanks. That was scary.

Look, Holly, I've tried to reason with them.

They won't listen.

What are you talking about, Stuart?

All I do is listen.

'Cause you won't stop talking.

All right. Okay. Shh.

Boys.

You want my help?

Here's my suggestion.

The three of you need to go

into couples therapy.

You mean, like, marriage counseling or...

Exactly.

I'm gonna give you the number of a terrific

family therapist I recommend some clients to.

She's in my building.

Well, I guess I would be

willing to work on "us" if they are.

When you put "us" in air quotes like that,

it makes me wanna "run" into traffic.

Come on, Phil, it's a great idea.

Absolutely not.

My people don't do therapy.

We got Jesus.

The lutzes don't do therapy either.

We just gather together at holidays

and blame each other for destroying our lives.

Last year, we marched up to the cemetery

and kicked over grandpa's headstone.

Well if they're not going, neither am I.

Look, you guys, one thing I learned

working with divorced couples is

if you don't deal with these problems now,

the anger and resentment will build,

and then your relationship is doomed.

But you're grown men,

I certainly can't tell you what to do.

Well you're going!

Hi, come on in.

I'm Dr. Carol Thomas.

Ah, Dr. Thomas, it's an honor.

I'm Dr. Stuart gardner.

Dentist!

And you must be Mr. lutz.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing at all.

Please, have a seat.

I just don't like to be judged, mother.

I mean doctor.

Mr. lutz, I assure you no one is judging you here.

Isn't there a third member in your group?

That would be Phil... Late, in his typically

passive-aggressive way.

Textbook narcissist, as I'm sure

you'd no doubt concur, doctor.

In my practice, I like to refrain from using labels.

That's actual doctor talk for "shut up".

Sorry I'm late.

Uh, sorry, I know.

Nice to meet you, Mr. chase.

I'm Dr. Thomas.

So you're the therapist?

I'm sorry, I was expecting someone less... damn!

Please, Mr. chase, have a seat.

Hitting on the therapist.

Could you embarrass us any more?

I see you met my wife.

When you're done with the Bickersons,

just tell me when you need me to talk about mother.

Okay, I think I have a sense of the group dynamic here.

So, tell me, what brings you to therapy?

Well, we're all divorced and we live together.

We're having some trouble getting along.

Lets start at the beginning.

How did you guys get together

in the first place?

Our divorce attorney Holly,

put us in an apartment together.

That's unusual.

No, not really. She owns it.

She's our landlord.

Wow, so it sounds like this Holly

is pretty involved in your lives.

Well it's not like she lives with us.

Naw, across the hall.

Actually, she's the one who suggested that we come here.

Strongly suggested.

She threatened us.

Anyway, now that you have our histories,

I assume we'll start with some trust exercises,

perhaps some role play?

Is that right, doctor?

You like a little role play?

We'll certainly work on communication skills,

but first I think we need to deal with the bigger issue here.

Mother?

And her fall-away house dress?

No.

Holly.

Stuart, Haskell, I was thinking about having

a lady friend come over tonight

and I was wondering how you felt about it.

Thanks for asking, Phil.

It makes me feel validated when you

take my feelings into consideration.

I'm fine with it, as long as my cookware is respected.

I'll honor that.

Haskell?

I, too, am fine with it,

as long as the noise generated through coitus

is kept to a respectable level.

I'll be mindful of your concerns and as such,