New Girl

Gentlemen!

Three months ago I bravely reentered the dating pool,

and how has this city rewarded me?

With an endless parade of weirdo assclowns.

Hard to say who was the worst.

- Comedy magician. - This guy with the little ding dang.

- The lion tamer. - Never went out with a lion tamer.

I am having some vivid dreams.

The point is Ian has asked me out on a third date,

and this is the biggest compliment I could give.

I want to go. Because I like him.

- Booh! - That's not a reason.

And frankly it's been a while,

and the third date is where, mama gets her biscuit.

- Mama gets her biscuit. - I don't understand.

- It's sex. - Oh!

- Yeah! - Now, that's a reason!

Anyway, I'm bringing him home tonight,

so let's keep those toilets flushed.

That means stick around. Take a second look.

How'd you tell Ian about the fun surprise that you still live with your ex?

All right.

Well, I haven't told him yet.

Uh, tricky conversation.

I'm thinking of something simple like,

"Hey, Ian, I live with my ex."

No. No, no. When a guy hears that, he is going to

run through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.

Here's a fun idea. You can put a hat on him with antlers.

This way, the hole he makes in the wall will make us all smile.

Nick brings home girls all the time.

- There's no problem. - No complaints here.

It'll make you forget every botanical garden

you've ever seen.

I live with my ex-girlfriend.

And after the farmer's market...

I live with my ex.

Let's have sex again.

I live with my ex.

Damn it. Too quick.

Hey, if you're looking to scare somebody off,

it's basically a goldmine.

Nobody cares that we're exes who live together.

I got to go.

Okay, that doesn't prove anything.

Just for the record, I'm leaving 'cause you live with your ex.

It's gross. And disgusting.

And I'm gonna steal some stuff.

Take what you want, honey.

We don't read those anymore.

Nick, who are these girls?

They're not the best.

S04E07 Goldmine

Jess, guys hate complicated situations.

We want the path of least resistance.

There's a flap in our underwear because we are too lazy

to pull our underpants down.

No offense, Nick, but...

Ian's a little different from you or the women you bring home.

The... tavern folk.

Have some respect. They're called Uh-Ohs.

And I've been through a lot of names: Pork Pals,

- Okay. - Bone Cronies,

- Right. - C-Plussy Hussies.

- Very reverent. - But "Uh-Oh" takes it off of them

and back onto me where it belongs.

I made the mistake, not them. They're great.

You really are a prince among men, Nick.

Aw, that's awfully nice. I feel like I'm maturing.

All I'm saying is that, somehow,

Ian is even more mature than you are.

And that's why I think he'll understand

when I tell him in a mature adult way

I live with my ex but there's nothing to worry about.

- Can I suggest a tweak? - Fine.

"I live with my ex but there's nothing to worry about

- because he's gay now." - No.

- "Because he has weeks to live." - No.

"Because he's already dead."

- What? - Then I'll act like a ghost.

No.

Consider it.

- No. - Come on.

That's the worst ghost impression I've ever heard.

This is the worst ghost impression you've ever heard?

I'm a ghost.

There's way worse.

Anything for me?

Oh, no, this isn't our mail. This is our neighbors' mail.

You see, Viv likes it alphabetized.

Yet Michelle likes it according to size.

Hashtag "go figure," right?

Hashtag "did you see how I rhymed?"

I want to choke you until your eyes

literally pop out of your head.

Those girls are not going to sleep with you.

They are hot. And nothing is less hot than a male secretary.

What?

I think somebody needs to take a good long look

at Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel.

Dude's eyes are so pouchy

he can barely see anything, and he's still killing it.

Girls don't have sex with guys who sort their mail.

I am playing the long game here, Coach,

weaving myself into the fabric of their lives.

Pretty soon I'll be as permanent

as the will that I helped them draw up.

Oh, Winston, thank God you're here.

The toilet won't flush.

Did you jiggle the handle?

No, it's not working for us.

- Here. - Oh.

I'm not here to do any chores.

You guys want to hang out tonight?

- Sure. - Sure.

Right on. Right on. That's what's up.

Coach, I really need my stilts and a plunger!

Eh, I don't care.

I'm happy to lend you a bra,

but I don't think I have anything that would fit you.

That's the Peter Pan.

That'll smash 'em down good,

but you'll never get those in there.

I know. I just wanted to see

what it would feel like to be your size.

Are we doing, like, a boob Freaky Friday?

Because I don't want to lug yours around. They're a load.

I know. That's the whole point. That's why all the women

in my family have back trouble, you know?

So, now that I have insurance though,

I was thinking maybe I could have, like,

breast reduction surgery.

No!

I wonder who this is.

What?

It's a boob reduction, Schmidt.

Just accept it.

Acceptance is stage five.

I'm grieving, Cece. There are five stages of grief.

Stage one was denial.

- This is not happening, this is not... - Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

- You're not getting a boob reduction. - Yes, I am.

- This is not happening. - Yes, it is.

Stage two was anger.

Your breasts belong to all of us!

Okay.

Who are you to decide?!

Next will be stage four, depression.

And then stage five, acceptance.

But right now, I'm firmly planted in stage three,

bargaining.

Dear God, if you stop Cece's breast reduction,

- I'll circumcise Coach. - Whoa, Coach.

Go out with them tonight? Doesn't make any sense, man.

And compromise the long game? Ha.

Not until I replace their rocker switches with dimmers.

Forget your long game, Winston! Getting a girl

to have sex with you is not about planning ahead.

It is about seizing opportunities

that you never saw coming. It is instinct.

All right? It is improv.

It is jazz, man.

But with words. You dig? And the words are,

"Oh, yeah, girl, I'm about to..."

Glen, my man, tell me something good.

And you better not be trying to sell me

some non-dimmable halogens, you son of a...

- Where you at? - Are you kidding me?

Hey, buddy.

You know what you need to surround yourself with tonight?

Four new boobs.

On two different women?

You're damn right.

Take me to them.

Um, do you want to, like, go find a bar, grab a drink?

There's a bar that I like.

It's called... my place.

Great. Uh, is it... You think it'll be crowded?

You know I'm talking about my house, right?

Okay. Yeah, no, I wasn't... I thought that was just

- a clever name but now I do. - No.

And, yeah, let's go there.

Um, one thing I want to,

uh, disclose to you in a very mature

adult way, I... live with my ex.

- Okay. Uh, yeah, you live with your ex. - Yeah.

But also three other guys.

It's more zany than sexy.

Okay. So it, like, wasn't really serious?

Oh, it was very serious.

Did you say "I love you"?

Not until he said it.

Uh, yeah, I don't think I can do this.

- I'm sorry. I just... - What?

I've been on so many weird dates lately. I'm just looking

- for something easier. - I... No, Ian, Ian, Ian,

Ian, Ian, look.

Yes, I live with my ex.

But there's nothing to worry about.

Because...