Tales from the Crypt

ARE YOU ALONE TONIGHT?

WELL, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY.

THERE COULD BE 2 OF YOU,

AND IMAGINE WHAT A FRIGHTMARE THAT COULD BE.

AAH!

AH-HA HA HA.

JUST A REFLECTION.

NOT SO FOR TONIGHT'S STARS,

FRANK AND EDDIE--

2 BROTHERS WHO ARE TOUCHINGLY CLOSE.

WHEN A WOMAN TRIES TO COME BETWEEN THEM,

SHE FINDS HERSELF CAUGHT IN A TANGLED WEB

OF JEALOUSY AND INTRIGUE.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT A TWINNING COMBINATION.

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, I BRING YOU...

MY BROTHER'S KEEPER.

WELL, GO! YOU DRIVE LIKE AN OLD LADY.

HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU THAT, FRANK?

WHENEVER I DRIVE, EDDIE.

WHICH IS ALL THE TIME, ISN'T IT, FRANK?

WHY EVEN BOTHER HAVING A FERRARI

WHEN YOU DRIVE IT LIKE A GODDAMN VOLKSWAGEN?

YOU WANTED THE FERRARI.

IWOULD'VE BEEN VERY HAPPY

WITH A VOLKSWAGEN.

YOU'D HAVE BEEN HAPPY WITH A BICYCLE BUILT FOR 2.

NOW LOOK, IF YOU DON'T STEP ON IT, I WILL.

OW! GET YOUR FOOT OFF ME!

EDDIE, THIS ISN'T FUNNY. WE'RE GONNA HAVE AN ACCIDENT!

I CAN'T STAND BEING WITH YOU

WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE, DO YOU, FRANK?

NOT UNLESS YOU AGREE TO SEE THAT NEW DOCTOR I'VE FOUND.

NOT ANOTHER DOCTOR! HOW MANY DOCTORS DO I--

WH-WHOA!

ENOUGH! STOP!

OK.

EDDIE!

DON'T YOU KNOW BY NOW

THAT NO DOCTOR CAN HELP US WITH OUR PROBLEMS?

PROBLEM,FRANK.

WE ONLY HAVE ONE PROBLEM.

BUT I GOT TO ADMIT,

IT'S A BEAUT.

IT'S A BEAUT.

REALLY, EDDIE, YOU'D BE SO MUCH HAPPIER

IF YOU'D JUST LEARN TO ACCEPT... OUR CONDITION.

ACCEPT THE FACT THAT WE'RE FREAKS?

ACCEPT THE FACT THAT WE'RE FREAKS?

NEVER.

NEVER.

YOU'RE ONLY A FREAK...

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE A FREAK.

AW, PLEASE, FRANK.

AW, PLEASE, FRANK.

KEEP YOUR PSYCHO BULLSHIT.

WHEN YOUR ASS IS ATTACHED TO ANOTHER GUY'S ASS,

YOU'RE A FREAK.

YOU'RE A FREAK.

BARTENDER, GIVE ME A SCOTCH, WILL YOU?

EDDIE, REMEMBER,

WHEN YOU DRINK, I FEEL IT, TOO.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

MAKE IT A DOUBLE.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

YOU KNOW, UNDERNEATH THAT--

YOU LOOKING AT ME? HEH HEH.

EHH...

GEE, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON WEIRD ENOUGH

TO READ BOOKS IN BARS.

TO READ BOOKS IN BARS.

UH, MINE'S...

ANDRE MALRAUX' MAN'S HOPE.

WELL, THIS CERTAINLY IS...

FATE.

HA. ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

HA. ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

I'M MARIE HILTON.

UH, FRANK DURAN.

WELL-L-L-L.

LOOKIE HERE.

YOU KNOW, UNDER THAT MARIAN THE LIBRARIAN EXTERIOR,

I'M THINKING THERE'S A STUDDED LEATHER CORSET

JUST ITCHING TO GET OUT, AM I RIGHT?

EDDIE! PLEASE.

WE WERE HAVING A NICE CONVERSATION.

WELL, HEY, DON'T LET ME CRAMP YOUR STYLE, LITTLE BROTHER.

WELL, HEY, DON'T LET ME CRAMP YOUR STYLE, LITTLE BROTHER.

IS THAT GUY YOUR BROTHER?

UH, YEAH, YEAH.

I GUESS HE GOT ALL THE PERSONALITY.

EHH...

WELL, IF THAT'S PERSONALITY, HE CAN HAVE IT ALL.

YOU KNOW, MARIE, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

I COULD SWEAR WE'VE MET SOMEWHERE.

I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU EVER GO TO THE SYMPHONY?

I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU EVER GO TO THE SYMPHONY?

I LOVE THE SYMPHONY.

WELL, DID YOU GO LAST SUNDAY?

NO. I COULDN'T CONVINCE MY BROTHER TO GO.

ACTUALLY THAT'S WHY I AGREED TO COME WITH HIM TONIGHT.

3 TRIPS TO A BAR EQUAL ONE SYMPHONY.

3 TRIPS TO A BAR EQUAL ONE SYMPHONY.

WELL, SO YOU AND YOUR BROTHER

HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER?

YOU SEE, EDDIE AND I--

COME ON, FRANK, LET'S DANCE.

EDDIE, PLEASE. I WAS JUST TELLING--

TELL IT TO HER ON THE DANCE FLOOR. COME ON.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO...

I'D LOVE TO DANCE.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE...

YOU'RE CONNECTED.

OH, IS IT THAT NOTICEABLE?

OH, IS IT THAT NOTICEABLE?

YEAH, MARIE, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU, UH...

EDDIE AND I ARE SIAMESE TWINS.

YOU'RE SIAMESE TWINS?

GROSS!

HOW ABOUT YOU?

YOU EVER TRIED THE 4-LEGGED LAMBADA?

EDDIE, COME ON!

LISTEN, IT'S GET-- IT'S GETTING LATE,

AND I HAVE TO GET UP REALLY EARLY,

SO I HAVE TO GO. UH...

SO I HAVE TO GO. UH...

STILL DON'T THINK YOU'RE A FREAK, FRANK?

STILL DON'T THINK YOU'RE A FREAK, FRANK?

EXTRAORDINARY.

SIMPLY EXTRAORDINARY.

NOT OFTEN DOES ONE COME ACROSS

A CLASSIC PAGO PAGI FORMATION.

TWINS.

JOINED AT THE BOTTOM.

YEAH, WE KNOW HOW WE'RE ATTACHED.

THE QUESTION IS, CAN WE BE SEPARATED?

WELL, YOU BOTH HAVE THE FULL COMPLEMENT OF ORGANS.

YOU TWO ARE LUCKY THAT WAY.

YOU HEAR THAT? WE'RE LUCKY, FRANK.

OF COURSE, YOU SHARE ONE SINGLE BLOODSTREAM.

SO, THIS DENSE AND TANGLED WEB

OF VEINS AND ARTERIES

WOULD HAVE TO BE COMPLETELY REROUTED.

AH. THE COMPLICATION.

BUT NOT ONE THAT CANNOT BE OVERCOME.

TODAY, WITH LASERS

AND MICROSURGERY,

THERE IS A CHANCE.

SEE, THERE'S A CHANCE.

YEAH, WHAT KIND OF A CHANCE?

UH...50-50.

UH, OH, WE'LL TAKE IT.

GOOD.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE, EDDIE.

THERE IS A 50% CHANCE WE COULD DIE HERE.

NO, NO, NO, FRANK.

THERE'S A 50% CHANCE WE'D LIVE.

I THOUGHT YOU AND YOUR BROTHER

WERE OF ONE MIND ABOUT THIS.

OH, WE ARE, WE ARE.

WELL, THEN, YOU MUST SIGN THIS MEDICAL RELEASE.

WELL, THEN, YOU MUST SIGN THIS MEDICAL RELEASE.

COME ON. SIGN IT, FRANK.

IT'S NOT MULTIPLE CHOICE.

I DON'T KNOW, EDDIE.

I'M GONNA NEED MORE TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.

I'M GONNA NEED MORE TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.

WHEN YOU ARE READY WITH THE PEN,

I SHALL BE READY WITH THE KNIFE.

I SHALL BE READY WITH THE KNIFE.

YOU, UH, THINKING ABOUT THE OPERATION?

YOU, UH, THINKING ABOUT THE OPERATION?

A LITTLE.

A LITTLE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE A SLEEPING PILL.

I WAS PLANNING TO DO SOME READING.

THE STORY OF OUR LIFE, FRANK-- YOU ZIG, AND I ZAG.

YOU KNOW, FRANK, FOR MOST PEOPLE,

THE SIMPLE ACT OF PEEING

DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A SYNCHRONIZED OLYMPIC EVENT.

AHH...

IT'S TRUE.

JUST THINK, FRANK--

ONCE WE GET THE OPERATION,

YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO GO TO ANOTHER BASEBALL GAME AGAIN.

OR VEGAS--ALL THAT HIDEOUS ARCHITECTURE.

OH. YOU COULD SLEEP IN YOUR OWN BED.

OH. YOU COULD SLEEP IN YOUR OWN BED.

I COULD ROLL OVER.

AND THAT COOKING SCHOOL IN PARIS

YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO?

CORDON ROUGE.

IT'S CORDON BLEU.