2 Broke Girls

Han, what're you doing in our bar?

You know we can't serve kids.

Or did you just want to see

what a successful business looks like?

I know what a successful business looks like.

My cousin runs a Blimpie's in Queens.

You have a relative that works at a Blimpie's?

Is he single?

Hi, I'm Clint, the new bartender.

It's a pleasure for you to meet me.

I hired Clint away from that cool bar down the street.

He has a following.

And his following followed him here,

and now we have a following.

You following?

Oh, a following.

Like I had on YouTube before they got all weird about nudity.

Wow.

Girls, this place has more people in it

than my first marriage.

Hey, Earl.

Cacao Storm for my diabetic dreamboat?

Well, you know I can't say no to booze.

If I could, I'd still be in The Temptations.

No, no, no, it's very little booze, okay?

See, you drink it for the raw cacao.

Yeah, it releases serotonin and boosts your energy

and your mood.

I'm pretty much a genius.

And I'm pretty much gonna pass.

You want to try a Cacao Storm? Huh, buddy?

Yeah, you do.

They're addictive.

Raw cacao with a little chocolate liqueur.

It's how I got to be such a big deal.

And it's how I'm gonna get a new wardrobe

with the way these are selling.

Soon, I'll be able to buy clothes from places

that don't also sell gas.

I'll try one. I am a little stressed.

I'm entering the post office's

Federal Duck Stamp Contest this year.

They still have post offices?

I wonder if my "wanted" poster's still up.

It is. You were a cute kid.

And they have a contest to design

a new duck stamp every year.

If I win, my mallard drawing will be on

official United States postage.

How can there be a winner of a contest

you have to be a loser to enter?

You feeling the buzz yet, son?

You should. I only use pure Columbian cacao.

Strongest in the city... actually, in the state.

I just didn't want to brag about it.

It's one of the greatest things about me.

Oh!

Yes, yes.

I think I feel it. A little jolt.

Wasn't that your American Gladiator name?

Why you got to harsh my buzz?

Wait till this duck flies to stamp victory.

Then I'll be ridicule-proof.

You'll never be wedgie-proof.

I just checked our receipts.

We already made $1,500 tonight.

Max, if this keeps up, we'll be able

to watch Hulu without commercials.

$1,500 in one night?

I didn't even make that much

when I turned in my mom for the reward money.

Plus, it think this is better than you bartending, Max.

You were great, but your "one for them, one for me" policy

got a little topless.

You enjoyed the tips, didn't you?

I said "Tips."

Excuse me, excuse me.

Haven't you seen a stroller in a bar before?

Hey, girls.

What, you're not even gonna say hello,

'cause I look like garbage?

You didn't even give us a chance, Sophie.

You were too busy running over all of our customers.

Well, I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing you

with the way I look, Caroline.

Look, I don't have time to make me and baby Barbara look sexy.

Max, maybe we should get manicures?

I haven't had one since Gwyneth Paltrow

was only a little annoying.

We don't have grooming money.

I'm still cutting my hair with a sword like Mulan.

Max, we're doing really well,

so why not enjoy our success a little?

I mean, we don't have "screw you" money yet,

but we have enough to be mildly unpleasant.

No kiddin'!

Oh, come on, come on!

I want to get our nails did.

Why does it take so long for a load to finish?

Have you tried dirty talk?

Oh, that's my dryer.

Oh, mine now.

You snooze, you lose.

But I wasn't snoozing, why am I losing?

'Sup, Janice?

How's things down at the Coinstar?

I'm ready for a change.

Max, don't engage her, she threw my clothes on the ground.

Buzzer go off? You snooze, you lose.

Ugh, now I have to wash these again because there's...

what I really hope is fudge on the floor.

Ugh!

Where's my underwear?

Looks like Ralph has a job interview.

Ralph, that's my underwear.

Give it back.

Ugh, I can't wait till we don't have to come here anymore.

But where will we cook our chicken?

You know what?

We're successful now.

We don't have to come here anymore.

Can I have your attention, everyone?

Uh, that depends, are you a cat video?

I'd like to make an announcement.

As of today, we are saying good-bye to this place.

So Ralph, you can keep my panties,

I know you have a wedding next month.

Max and I are successful enough now to afford

our own washer and dryer.

Or more realistically, a low-budget fluff-and-fold.

So take one last look at us...

But no need to take out your penis, Marty.

Come on, Max, let's go get our manicures.

Good-bye, Laundromat, we are never coming back

to this hell hole again.

You just put another load in the washer.

We are coming back to this hell hole again.

Earl, we got manicures!

Caroline wanted our nails to project success, so...

What says "classy lady" like Monopoly houses?

Wow, congratulations, Max.

This is probably the closest any of us will ever come

to owning a house.

Speak for yourself, Earl.

Max and I are successful now.

I said good-bye to the Laundromat this morning,

and this afternoon, I said good-bye to the bodega

where we get our flu shots.

You could've waited till after I got my

flu shot and sandwich combo.

Hi, could you bring me a water, please?

Um, could you bring someone water

if you had houses for fingers?

I can't wait till we say good-bye to this place.

I'm gonna be really mean.

I may do it as a poem.

What rhymes with "rat-infested"?

Flat-chested.

You better slow down.

We've only had one good night at the dessert bar,

and you said we had to keep working at the diner

till we made enough to be legally poor.

Okay, fine.

It's like those nails are making you reasonable

and I don't like it.

Han, your hair!

Who are you supposed to be, Edward Scissor-hans?

I was up all night, sketching my stamp.

Want to see my duck?

Praying that wasn't an auto-correct.

Look at all the practice ducks I've drawn.

The American Wood duck.

The Harlequin duck.

The Spot-Billed duck.

A mallard.

A mallard.

A mallard, a mallard...

Caroline, take is batteries out.

This beauty's gonna win me the stamp contest.

All I have to do now is color it.

And then sit back and plan my victory party.

Guess which stamp I'll use to send the invites?

Gay flag?

No, a mallard!

Where'd you get that cacao from?

Clint gave me a couple grams before he left last night.

I've been micro-dosing it all day.

Why are you rubbing it on your gums?

Are you teething?

Clint says the buzz is stronger if I take it straight.

Okay, I didn't believe Clint when he said cacao

was addictive, but I also didn't believe in leprechauns

until I started working for one.

If I cut my gums...

Will it enter my bloodstream any faster?

You're a junkie!

Han, you're acting like that time you had a whole Red Bull.

Okay...

you have a problem!

I'm telling Clint you're cut off.