Special

I'm just a sucker for a trend.

Right now, I'm intermittent fasting.

So I have to eat for 16 hours and then fast for eight.

I don't think that's how that works.

I know what I'm doing. Are we still on for tonight?

Yes! We're gonna finish the greatest story ever told.

Dawson's motherfucking Creek .

Five seasons in two weeks. We are...

Disappointments.

Crushing disappointments.

Big news, you guys.

The FDA's considering labeling our recent content as a sleep aid.

Ryan, it's weeks since you wrote about your disability,

aka, anyone cared what you had to say.

What are you working on?

I'm actually kind of having a... a writer's block moment right now.

But our new work space has an inspiration tepee.

Have you not been?

Oh, yes, many times. I-I love it there. I just, um...

I guess it's just true what they say. It's harder to create when you're happy.

You're not happy.

Um, no, I am. I'm... I'm very happy.

Really? It's been two months since you spoke to your mother.

- How do you know? - Samantha told me.

- She tells me everything. - You don't see me, but I see you.

- So are you okay? Do you miss Mommy? - I'm fine.

- Oh, you don't need Mommy? - Drop it, Olivia.

Why don't you just write about your disability again?

You could be like the new, hot, marginalized group of people.

I would, but I just feel like I've already done that, you know?

I don't know what else there is to say. I guess my CP is just kind of, um, NBD.

Okay then. Who's getting laid?

Willful, Graceless, I know you're not. All you do is hang out with each other.

- That's not true. - That's not true. No.

- We have very full, happy lives. - Mm-hmm.

Sure. Enjoy Dawson's Creek , lovers.

Spoiler alert!

Jen dies at the end.

- She's the best part. - I love her.

Oh! Those are for me.

Oh my God. So sweet. I'm overcome with emotion.

Yes, it's true.

I've taken a new lover. Rae.

Please stop asking me about it. No, seriously.

Please stop.

Please respect my privacy at this thrilling time.

Olivia has a boyfriend?

Samantha's getting laid?

L-O-actual hell.

I guess tonight we should...

Yeah. We're going out.

Okay, let's play a game.

Gay or Just Has Kind Eyes?

Ry, why do we even have to be here? Jen Lindley waits.

Kim, Jen Lindley is dead.

Just like our love lives.

Mine's by choice. I'm not interested in dating my oppressors.

Okay, fine. Then I'll just speak for myself.

I've been in a major dick drought. I haven't had a man's touch since Carey.

Am I totally pathetic for thinking me and him could've been together?

It's not your fault Carey moved to New York

to try and become the next Ronan Farrow.

Okay. You know what? I'm meeting a guy tonight.

And I suggest you do the same.

Fine.

Here we go.

What are you...

What are you doing?

Prepping for war.

And break!

Okay.

Oh! Oh my God, I'm sorry. Got you there.

Hello! How are you?

Don't feel bad. He's straight.

How do you know?

I overheard him telling a woman to smile.

Ugh! Tale as old as time.

Well, reviews said this space was mixed. Gay, straight, but...

I don't know, judging by our posture, I'd say we're the only two queers here.

It used to be mixed,

but as with San Francisco and rimming,

the straights took it over and made it theirs.

- Ugh, I hate that! It's appropriation! - Oh, so annoying.

Maybe we should stage a protest by making out. Right here. Right now.

I've always been an activist.

- Sorry. - It's okay.

FYI, I have a boyfriend.

- What? - We're open. Totally aboveboard.

Okay.

- Hello. - Good morning.

What are you... You don't have to tidy up. I mean...

I have a rule. Always leave people better than how you met them.

Okay.

So...

So.

Last night, it was, um, it was super fun.

It was so fun.

Yeah. Definitely in the top ten of guys that I've taken home.

And, um, you know... And, you know, had intercourse with.

- Right. - Yeah.

First time, huh?

Is it that obvious?

No. You did great.

There is no food in your house. Not to be weird, but I checked.

Oh, that's just because cooking isn't really my journey.

I have a solve for that. Let's get breakfast.

Wait, your diva of choice is Sky Ferreira?

Yes. "Everything Is Embarrassing" is a perfect pop song.

Which, in its own way, is kinda embarrassing.

Yeah. I guess you're right.

No! Don't back down. Defend your diva!

Okay, fine.

I think her voice is incredible, she's never put out bad work,

and yes, she may be a little unreliable when promising new music,

but criticism of her often feels rooted in misogyny.

Okay, go off, gay feminist. I'm fully hard.

So, yeah, I was a backup dancer for a couple music videos,

including Ciara! Don't be jealous.

- No, that's actually really cool. - Thanks.

But the work dried up, and now I teach a dance class

a couple of times a week at a sweat circle.

You know what they say, "Those that can't do

teach complicated dance choreography to hot people." What?

What do you do?

Oh, I, um... I write for this blog called Eggwoke.

Or I did.

I'm very late, and I might be very fired.

I got you.

"I will be working from home today and writing a listicle called

Five Reasons Why Having Sex With This Guy Named Tanner Is Better Than Going To Work.

I should attach a picture of my butt, right?

A lot of people are visual learners. Could be helpful?

- No! You cannot write any of that. - It's all true!

No, it doesn't matter! You can't do it.

What?

Nothing.

You're just, like, really cool.

You're, like, really cool too.

I'm missing Law and Order because of you.

I'm sorry. I should never have bought this.

Call Ryan.

He's a young person. He's better at these things.

Mom, I told you many times, Ryan and I aren't speaking.

- What happened? - We got into a fight.

Oh, what did you do?

Why do you always assume that it's me who screwed up?

Listen, remember when we didn't speak for a year?

Yes. You do?

Of course. It was terrible. And over something so inconsequential.

You did accuse me of killing the family dog.

Well, you let Abracadabra eat chocolate-covered popcorn,

two things that kill a dog, together.

I did not let him . He ate it when I wasn't looking.

- Never mind. You were saying? - Look.

The point is, we are never gonna get that time back.

We wasted it because we were both too stubborn.

And I regret that.

Oh my God! Ryan!

Is this you?

Oh God.

Yes.

I brought a picture of Lil' Kim to my hairdresser

and said, "Make me look like this."

Lil' Ryan! You were adorable!

No. I was just tragic and closeted.

When did you come out?

Seventeen. Um...

Yeah, actually, I made this coming-out video for my mom,

but it was before YouTube was a thing, so I couldn't, you know, monetize it, but...

My mom flipped. She was... She was just so happy for me.

What about you?

Oh, it was horrible.

You know what? We've been laying in bed far too long. Let's get some exercise.

Oh, I don't do that.

No, I'll teach you one of my routines. It will be cute and super easy.

Okay, this is really simple choreography.

You just bring your right arm up and your left foot back.

Your... Oh, wait. Okay. Right arm and then... Wait, okay. Sorry.

- It's okay. Just do it again. - Sorry.

- Right arm up. - Okay. Right.

- Left foot back. - Wait. Okay.

Wait. Sorry. I'm sorry. I-I actually can't do this.

Literally anyone can do this.

Yeah, well, I'm not everybody. Okay?

I have cerebral palsy.

Okay.

I was gonna ask.

What... what is that?

You know, I actually... I wrote about it, so you can just Google it. Okay?

Okay. It's no big deal.

We can do something else.

- You pick. - Okay.

Okay, okay, okay! I'm gonna pick! I'm gonna pick!

You're Mommy!

Oh!

I, uh... Excuse me?

I could tell by the beaten-down look in your eyes. You're Ryan's mother!

Oh! I'm... I-I am, but...

Olivia! Um, your mother's actually on line two.