That Sinking Feeling

- How much is a hamburger and a coffee? - 45 pence.

45 pence...

- 45? - 45, yes.

See you the morra.

You've got to make the most of what life offers you.

Life isn't meant to be easy.

Not for anybody.

OK, some of us may start out with more than others.

More... advantages, you might say.

That's not the main item.

It's basically every man for himself.

Take the two of us, for instance.

What did we start with? What did we do with ourselves?

For a start, there's my 'O' levels.

Two!

Ah! Now, there's a fair advantage you might say, eh?

But I worked for them.

You see, that's what you and I have in common.

Not the 'O' levels, no. The advantages, eh?

You know, the little supports that help us along life's weary way.

Let's face facts, Earl.

We've had our fair share of advantages.

Like, for instance, you had a nice, warm country,

money, a big house,

girls, a big horse.

Aye. And I bet you ate a lot of nice curries up at that...

Kandahar, eh?

Nicely done, Earl.

Oh, wait a minute here.

I don't see too many 'O' levels there, Earl old son.

How did you do it?

And why the bloody hell don't I have a job?

Oi!

Go on your bike! I'm trying to sleep here. Come on, clear off!

Go on!

...PX-135 conversion for the quadraphonic speakers.

You've got the wattage meters built in at the start.

- How much is that? - Including the pre-amp, that'd be £740.

- What about the FM tuner with... - Automatic phase tracker?

- Aye, automatic phase tracker. - Another £460.

You've got the basics for a first-rate system.

- Eh? - The basics.

Oh, the basics.

If you took the Elite speakers, I could give you the lot for, say, 1,080?

- Have you got a cigarette? - Aye, certainly.

You're tempting me, but I want tae think about it.

- About that automatic... - Phase tracker?

Aye, phase tracker. I'll pop in on Friday and let you know.

Thanks a lot. That piss-taker, I mean phase tracker is magic.

Aye, my dad only needs it on Saturday, so it's mine all week.

- I've got to buy my own petrol. - Really?

Aye, it's 20 miles to the gallon in town.

- That's tough. - Are you working yet...?

- That's tough, too. - Well, things are tough all over.

Aye. I have to scoot now. See you!

Oh, come on!

- Where are you going? - I'm going for a walk. See you later.

- I'll get it fixed in a minute. - It's no' that...

- I'll no' be a minute. - See you later, Ronnie.

The rain's definitely goin' off, eh?

It sure is.

A good shower really cleans the place up.

It makes the world sparkle.

It sure does.

Did you have a good day?

- Very enjoyable. - Same here. Very, very enjoyable.

Me, too. In the park mostly.

It's miserable, isn't it?

Yeah.

I tried to kill myself today.

Just after you left, Wal.

I took a mouthful of Corn Flakes and milk and held my nose shut.

I tried to drown myself in Corn Flakes and milk!

No, if you want to kill yourself, what you dae is,

you stand somewhere wet, get yourself a good earth,

then plug yourself into the mains.

That's what I was gonnae dae.

Woof!

No, I think the best way is out a window.

Really high up.

Hit the ground at 120 mile an hour.

I was gonnae try that up at the high flats, but the lifts were stuck.

Couldnae be bothered climbing 400 stairs.

Christ, you'd be fit for nothing by the time you got to the top!

There's got to be more to life than committing suicide.

There's got to be something. There's got to be some way out.

I think the rain's gone off, eh?

Oh, beat it, eh?

Are youse comin' down the road then?

- Are youse goin'? - Aye, come on.

Hey! Do you no' think it's time you traded that in for something wi' wheels?

I'm sorry I had to drag youse all out on such a cold night, but now we're all here,

well, Ronnie wants to say something.

I've got a lot to say, boys, but I've just got one key word to say first of all.

Sink.

No, no.

Get up. Let me put it another way, eh?

We are sittin' on a gold mine.

Or should I say a steel mine? A stainless steel mine!

Look, what's this area famous for?

What's it well known for?

Drunks.

Muggers.

- Multiple social deprivation! - Sinks!

Stainless steel sinks.

Hundreds of them up at Martin's warehouse.

- Sinks worth a fortune. - You mean where I used tae work?

Aye, we mean where you used tae work.

The sinks come at 60 quid apiece.

An hour in there and we could shift 80, maybe 90 into a van.

60 times 90? Hey, that's over 100 quid!

- Where will we get a van? - Vic's mate's a van boy.

He's gonnae get it fixed up wi' him. Any Corn Flakes?

No. Sugar Puffs...?

Hey, we need a modus exper...

Eh, a modul oper...

Och, you mean a modus operandi?

No, we need a way tae get in!

- Wal, put your shoes on. - Aye.

Decoys. Two guys dressed up as cleaning ladies to take care of the night-watchman.

You know, we can get wigs and make-up, a dress.

I'll be one of them.

Good idea, Vic.

We need some inside information.

Alec, where did you say you worked before you got the sack?

The accounts department.

It was unfair dismissal! It's no' my fault I'm no' a walking computer.

OK, men, back to work. Keep thinking.

This job's gonnae be perfect. It's gonnae be a work of art.

We're gonnae be rich. But we still need some more guys, though.

Vic, get the van fixed up, right?

- Are you sure you've nae Corn Flakes? - No.

Alec, remember anything you can about the layout.

Doors, windows, anything. Draw a plan.

Wal, check the night-watchman. See where he spends the night.

Check out his routine. What else do we need?

Four or five more people with skill, courage and determination.

- Morning rolls? - Ten dozen.

- Jam sponges? - No.

- Bridies? - No.

- Pancakes? - No.

- Coffee buns? - A dozen.

- Paris buns? - No.

- Small Alberts? - No.

- Chocolate doughnuts? - A dozen.

- Iced doughnuts? - No.

- Sugar doughnuts? - No.

- Apple turnovers? - A dozen.

- Madeira cake? - No.

Angel cake...?

- Ginger slabs? - No.

- Albert slabs? - Dozen.

- What's wrang? - I've got something to tell you, Bobby.

We cannae talk here. We'll go somewhere quiet.

- I cannae leave the shop. - Just a couple of minutes. That's all.

- Sultana cake? - No.

- Cream cookies? - No.

- Apple slab? - Two.

You've got a van.

Well, what do you think?

Well?

Sorry, I couldn't hear you.

Oh, fuck.

- Small trifles? - No.

- Large trifles? - No.

It's a big job.

Local...

High-class goods.

Fool-proof entry.

We want a look-out.

Plus someone that can handle alarms.

Oh, for God's sake, it's like a public park here!

Come on, let's get somewhere quieter.

Shoo!

It's magic, this place, in the summer.

So, a good alarm man is what we need.

One circuit does the whole place, as far as we know,

then one, maybe two good look-outs, you know?

One on the inside and one outside on the road.

We want people with skill, courage and determination.

What's up?

It's quite choppy today, isn't it?

I'm sorry to be a bother, Ronnie, but I'm just not a very good sailor.

I'm very keen on the job, though. It sounds fine.

I'd be fine if I was sick.

Come in, number seven, your time's up!

Keep away fae thae swans. They're evil.

They can break your arms with their muzzles.

- Beaks. - Aye, beaks. Ducks aren't so vicious.

- Hey, where's New York? - 3,000 miles that way.

- Where's Australia? - 12,000 miles that way.

- Where's China? - 5,000 miles that way.

Ask me the capital of Ethiopia.

OK, what's the capital of Ethiopia?

Addis Ababa.

- What's six and eight? - 14.

Rubbish! Naewhere near it.

- Aye, it is. - You're miles off it.

- No, I'm not. - It's naewhere near 14.

Hey!