Columbo

You weren't supposed to keep a key.

Do you have insurance coverage? What if something happened to your loved one?

That was one of the things we agreed to, Freddy.

That I'm not supposed to keep a key to my own house?

This is not the house you live in anymore.

Let's just get this over with, all right? I don't have a lot of time.

Freddy, what was so important that it couldn't wait?

Nance, we got a lot of things to discuss, all right?

My lawyer says he sent the final decree to you over a month ago...

and you haven't signed it yet. I'd like to know why.

Freddy, I have got a date, and I'm not even half ready.

And, you know, I regret that I ever agreed to this.

What, the divorce?

No, not the divorce.

So, what's the big deal? I mean, just come back another time.

No! Nance, I'm here, okay? We're gonna talk. I thought you wanted to get this over with.

I do. I just don't understand why it has to be now, this minute.

So, what time is the date?

Do you mind if I finish my hair while we talk?

Go ahead.

- Thank you! - You're welcome.

I haven't signed because we agreed on something that's not in the papers.

Can you hear me?

Freddy, can you hear me?

Loud and clear.

Well, why did you renege? We agreed that you have to pay your debt.

Mmm-hmm.

What?

You mean our debt.

No, I mean your debt.

You borrowed that money, not me. I mean, you just had to have all that equipment.

- Wow. - Look, we have discussed this, Freddy.

And then you agreed, I think, "Great! Well, now it's final."

But then, you change your mind.

I mean, how many times do we have to go over the same thing?

Huh.

It never fails. Just when I'm ready to go out, something always comes up.

- Huh. - I hate being rushed like this.

Hey, five bucks.

Did you say something?

You know, this isn't just me talking, Freddy, but my lawyer.

That debt was acquired by you, on your own, as an individual.

Yeah, all me.

Geez.

Prior to our marriage.

Yeah, by about six weeks.

What?

Oh, my God.

Freddy, I can't hear you if you don't speak up.

- Freddy? - Come on, 11. Come on, 11.

Come on, 11. Come on, baby, yeah.

Come on, come on. Yes, come on, 11. Come on, please.

Please, yes, come on. Come on, give me 11. Give me 11.

Come on, come on.

Eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven.

Oh, my God.

Yes!

Freddy?

- Lottery. - Mmm-hmm.

- How'd you do? - Not bad. I picked three, won five bucks.

Do you... You play? You buy a ticket?

- No. - No.

You know, I... I think your hair looks nice that way.

Freddy, it's one thing to split our assets 50-50,

but I don't think I should be asked to go 50-50 on your debt.

- I mean, it was never my obligation. - Is that so?

- Well, that's just not the way I see it, Nance. - That's obvious.

No. You know, it's like this money that I borrowed,

the debt that we're talking about, was so that I could set up a photography business.

You know, the same business that we lived on for three years while we were married.

You know, it's the same business that I still break my back trying to run.

It's the same business that allows me to pay you money every month,

while we argue over this silly divorce that you wanted.

You know, it's the same business that bought this house,

and your robe, and this furniture, and probably even these ridiculous-looking slippers.

- Freddy! - No, no, Nance. Here's the thing.

You know, if you don't see it that way, that's fine, because I'm not gonna fight you on this.

I'll spend just as much money on legal fees trying to collect from you...

as if I just assumed your half of the debt. So it's over, okay? Okay.

Divorce granted. I'm gonna change the papers. Case closed. Good night, good luck.

Have a nice date, have a nice life.

Freddy?

Oh, God!

Yeah!

Here, hold it.

That's it, touch it,

feel it.

Feel the history.

From the year 1674, from Mother Russia.

A gift to the czarina at sweet 16, from her father.

A total of 18 karats of emeralds.

The setting is platinum, of course. The artistry is magnificent, you can see that.

The craftsman must have been an inspired man. Certainly a God-gifted one.

Mrs. Weatherford, Mr. Weatherford,

this is more than a unique piece of jewelry.

It takes my breath away, Mr. Lamarr.

Your breath and the education of the grandchildren.

Our grandchildren have parents, darling. Thank the good Lord.

And all of them gainfully employed, the last time I looked.

It's a real nice piece, Lamarr. Let us think about it.

As you wish.

The education of his grandchildren?

Doesn't that fathead realize he'd be buying an investment?

What does he think this is, a fish market?

Am I losin' my touch, or is it just this damn recession?

Mr. Lamarr, the information from your broker just came in. Do you want to see it?

Do I want to see it? Ha! Yeah, I want to see it.

The broker's secretary said to make sure to tell you that he'll be in his office.

I'm dead broke.

I'm broke.

God.

Uncle Leon.

- I got a problem. - Ah.

I got a big problem.

Uncle Leon, you're the only person I've ever been able to turn to, to trust.

You know that.

You tell me one of your problems, I'll tell you one of mine.

At the end of the day, if anyone's left standing they'll win a prize.

Okay. And I start?

Go.

I just won $30 million in the lottery.

Yes, I can see how that could be a problem for you, Freddy.

No, Uncle Leon, I'm serious.

- I'm sure. - Uncle Leon, look at me.

I'm serious. As God as my witness, I just won Wednesday night's lottery.

The jackpot was $30 million.

No one else has the winning numbers. The whole thing is mine.

Every penny, every cent, mine. I got proof.

Well...

Well?

Thirty million.

30,435,885 to be exact.

Doggone, this is amazing. I find it hard to grasp.

You're telling me.

$30 million, all goin' to my little nephew, Freddy Brower.

My favorite nephew.

I know that for a fact, Uncle Leon. No arguments there.

Well, Freddy, my boy.

For once in my life I find myself at a loss for words.

You don't have to say anything, Uncle Leon. I know how you feel.

You said you had a little problem here. You were kiddin' me, weren't you?

No, sir.

I got a little $15 million problem.

You've lost me now.

Nancy.

Nancy? What's she got to do with it? I thought...

- We're not divorced yet. - What?

What I didn't say is, that if I go down there to collect the $30 million,

the next thing you know, half of it's gonna wind up in Nancy's personal bank account.

Oh.

Would you agree I have a little problem?

Let's take a walk, Freddy.

I'll think better in the fresh air.

Tell me, Freddy, who else have you told about your windfall?

Nobody.

- Nobody at all? - Nobody.

Look, Uncle Leon, I've been walkin' around in a daze ever since Wednesday night.

I don't know if I've eaten, I don't know if I've slept, but one thing I know for sure...

is I haven't told anybody anything.

That's very good. Good, Freddy, very good.

- Why? What are you thinking about? - A switch.

A switch?

- Substitution. - What do you mean?

It's not exactly legal, I'm afraid. We'd both be running a little risk.

But I think it's the only possible solution.

Let's hear it.

I cash in the ticket.

You?

Just as if I'd bought it. I get the 30 million.

And then?

And then...

I give the money to you.

We can do that?

I mean, that would work?

Why not?

I don't know.

Yeah, I... I guess it would. Wouldn't it?

It's not really that complicated, Freddy. You give me the ticket, I cash it in,

and the lottery people give me the money and I give it to you.

And Nancy never has to know.

- Bingo. - All right.

This is good. I like it.

Wouldn't you rather have all the money now,

while you're still young and you can get all the pleasure out of it?

Yes.

Or would you rather have it dribbled out to you over 20 years?

No, I would like it right now, when I can enjoy it.

I'd like it right now, right here in my hand.

Well, that's your prerogative, Freddy.

It's your money. You can do whatever you please with it.

As a matter of fact,

I know some people who might be interested in a transaction like this.

Of course it could take a little time. I probably could broker the deal myself.

You know, get a few dollars for my trouble.

I'll take care of you, Uncle Leon. 10% off the top.

That's very generous of you, Freddy, but I...

But nothing. Now, I don't want to hear any more about that, okay?

As you wish. Many thanks.

- Forget it. - Okay.

You really think this will work?