American Pie 2

- Sure you don't wanna go to my room? - No. Why?

My roommate's already moved out. We'll be all alone.

- All right. - The door is locked.

- Okay, Jim, relax. Relax. - Okay, yeah, sure.

No strings attached, okay? It's just friendly goodbye sex.

Yeah, right. Right, right, right, right.

But you see, it's just that...

we've never even had friendly hello sex.

- So do you not wanna do this? - Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, I do. Yeah. No, I definitely do.

It's just that...

you see, this is actually my first time.

Well, not my first. It's my first time...

since my first time.

So, technically, that's my second time.

And I don't... I don't wanna suck at it.

So if I'm not up to par, performance-wise...

Jim, this isn't exactly a turn-on.

I mean, girls like a guy with confidence.

Hey, I'm confident.

Oh, I am... I'm absolutely, totally confident.

- Let's get naked. - Okay.

Seems like just yesterday my dad picked me up after my first year at college.

We popped a couple of beers...

and he said, now, you're a man.

And today I get to say the same thing to my son.

Honey, your speeches embarrass him.

So, try and do what the kids say, and just be cool.

I think I bring new meaning to the word cool, honey.

That's his dormitory up ahead.

Turn over.

- Can't bring alcohol in the dorms. - Good.

Thank you, Matt. I'm just here to surprise my son Jim.

- Now pin my leg up. - What?

Pin my leg up, like this.

Maybe you can help me out, you know.

Is that the one? No.

There!

Now I remember.

I didn't do this for you.

Thanks, dude.

- Where's my big guy? - Oh, my God!

- Jesus! - Jim, we got here a little early.

- Dad, get out! - I'll wait in the car.

Go, Dad! Oh, my...

- Jeez! - Was that your dad?

- I'm so sorry. - For your own edification...

Son, I'm not embarrassed.

I am!

It's a perfectly normal thing for two human beings to do.

This is human nature... human nature at its best.

Son, everybody does it. Your mother and I... Well, not so much any more.

Got your favourite. Oh, my God! They're fucking!

Honey, honey, listen. I'm gonna take her...

- Please just go! - Actually, if you wouldn't mind.

Honey... I'll take her to the car.

- Hi, Mama. - What?

Natalie!

I'm Jim's dad.

You must be the parents of this young lady.

I'm sorry I didn't get her name, but hopefully my son did...

because I have not been here the whole time.

Natalie, get dressed!

- Beer? - Avert your eyes! Turn around!

- Thanks, Jim. Don't believe in locks? - Oh, my God!

Hey, fuckface.

- Mornin', dude. - Come on, Ozzy. It's show time.

Before you go to Ann Arbor to pick up Heather...

I wanna show you what you're missing.

See what they are today, dude. See what they are today.

Okay, here we go. Moment of truth.

- There's little hearts on her panties! - Super.

There's little hearts on her panties! Come on, look, you pussy. Look.

What the fuck, man? Come on!

I'm disappointed in you.

Here it is, the end of our freshman year and you screwed one girl.

One.

You're a disgrace to men everywhere.

Look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year...

and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.

All right, here's a new idea for you, Stifler, okay?

You find a girl. You two become best friends.

You don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other.

- You laugh at the people who do count. - Here's a new idea for you.

I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.

I'm never even gonna think about political science again.

Hey. How'd you do?

- Fine. - Yeah?

Can't believe I'm going abroad for summer. Last thing I need is more classes.

- You're gonna have a great time. - Hello, summer!

- Did that exam blow or what? - Yeah, it sucked.

- Kev, what's up, man? How are you? - Good.

Put your party hat on.

- We got 12 weeks of immortality ahead. - Yes, sir!

Weird.

The one that got away, huh, son?

Well, evidently you two...

made quite the handsome couple on the internet.

I didn't see it.

It was brought up at a PTA meeting.

Anyway, my point is...

these little sexual debacles should not get you down...

because you know what?

It happens to the best of us.

In fact...

the first time your mother and I...

got together...

I used a condom.

Well, she referred to it as shrink wrapping.

But I got over it.

Anyway, keep your chin up. You keep plugging...

and good things will happen.

Good to have you home, son.

It's good to be home, Dad.

It's gonna be nice to hit Stifler's tonight after exams.

- Did you get through 'em? - There's the mystery man!

Finch, how are you?

It's Japanese.

It means hello. Hello.

- Finch, what happened to Latin? - Met a Japanese girl at the art museum.

Changed majors.

Wanted to understand the things she was moaning.

- You got laid in an art museum? - The Met.

- And the Guggenheim with Francesca. - The Guggenheim?

And then my social-psych professor in Baskin-Robbins.

All right, enough.

But I'll tell you, none of these women even compare to...

Stifler's mom.

Stifler's mom is a goddess.

How about some more of Stifmeister's collegiate concoction?

This thing is like half alcohol. You're just trying to get me drunk.

Mary, would I do that?

- My name's Christy. - Christy, right. Beautiful name.

Like it matters.

Hey, how you doing?

Howdy-howdy, fuckin' partners!

Johnny C., how's it going? Good to see you.

Looks like someone gained the freshman 15.

- This'll help. - You're an asshole.

Missed you too.

All right, everybody having a good time? Ladies?

Fellas! How's it going?

The keg's back there as always. Enjoy.

Ladies, I'm Steve Stifler and I have an 11-inch penis...

around!

Think about it. Sherman!

Okay, Stifler, take your shot.

Come on, man. I'm really happy to see you.

All right.

You stupid fuck!

Back at Stifler's. It's just like old times.

One difference. We're college men now.

Some of these girls are from the grade below us.

I might actually have a chance.

Hey, I remember you.

Do you now?

You're that guy who blew his load on the internet.

Splat. Oh, wait, Nadia, don't go. Splat.

- Pathetic. - Loser.

It's exactly like old times.

- I'm gonna miss you. - I'll miss you.

I'll call you when I get in, okay?

Go have fun.

Bye.

I can't believe those two girls, Kevin.

Jim, it's not a big deal.

They toyed with my emotions.

- Hello. Hello. - See? There's other girls.

- How are you? - You got nothing to worry about, man.

Jessica's here.

With Vicky.

And Vicky got hot!

What's that supposed to mean?

Look at her.

- Yeah, Jim, I see her. - Hey, Kevin.

I'll be right back.

- Hey, Vic, how are you? - What's up?

- I'm okay. - Yeah, I'm good.

That's good.

- It's good to hear. - Yeah, you too.

Well, this is about as comfortable as a high colonic in Tijuana.

And I would know. Okay.

- I'm gonna get a drink. - She's right.

- Why is this so weird? - Actually, I have no idea.

See, I knew it. I knew you'd be mature about this.

You know, and we could still be friends, right?

I miss you, Kev.

Friends, right?

Yeah, right. I mean, I know you said friends and I... I just...

I'm sorry. I was... It was just...

an old habit... a friend kiss.

Are you sure?

Vic, why wouldn't I wanna be friends with you?

Look, we'll... we'll just do this, okay?

- Friends. - Friends.

Stifler's mom's room.

How did you do that magic you did?

Tantra.

What the fuck are you doin' in here?

- Just relax. - You get out of my house!